Spike Presents, "Music Pre-Pose Out Echoplex Vegan Smilecore Bullshit"

Due to the success of California Über Alles, Dead Kennedys were invited to perform at the Bammies, the Grammies of San Francisco, which Biafra describes as San Francisco's "backslapping circus banquet." During dress rehearsal, DKs ran through their current hit, but when got onstage, they treated the audience ( full of music industry bigwigs and mainstream rock acts such as Journey) to a scathing attack of the music industry, in a song called "Pull My Strings" composed especially for the occasion.


[During their performance, the Dead Kennedys wore white shirts with the letter S painted on the front. On the recording of the song, once "Pull My Strings" begins the audience can be heard cheering in response to the band members pulling their black neckties from behind their backs in front of them, making a dollar sign.]


The song, recorded live at the awards show, begins with the band playing the opening chords to "California Über Alles". After the first few bars, Biafra yells out "Hold it!" and sarcastically tells the audience that they're becoming a New Wave band because they "need to prove [they're] adults now". Klaus Flouride begins to play another bass line, and a new song begins.

Biafra begins singing about him not being able to afford a car thanks to his self respect, and decides to sell out to the record companies to make some money ("I'm tired of self respect, I can't afford a car, I wanna be a pre-fab superstar"). He decides to become one of the cookie cutter new wave acts breaking into pop music at the time. The chorus implies that the musicians in the new wave bands need to be dumb and have a large penis, and are able to be pulled by strings like a puppet because they've sold their souls to the record labels, who basically can now mold them in whatever they (the labels) want them to be.

One of the targets of the Dead Kennedys in the song appears to be The Knack, who hit big around that same time with "My Sharona". Twice in the course of the song, in its middle and at its end, a bridge is played to the tune of "My Sharona", with Biafra singing the word "drool" to the tune of it and replacing "My Sharona" with "my payola". Biafra also makes a sarcastic reference to the hypocrisy and drug abuse of the American bourgeoisie, referencing famous comedian Bob Hope with the line "And when I'm rich and meet Bob Hope, we'll shoot some golf and shoot some dope".

This was the only time they ever played the song, despite its popularity.

Greg Ginn: Hurling His Fans Into Brick Walls Since 1979

Defending a horrible, Black Flag reunion show/cat shelter benefit, which got slammed by the music press for lacking the involvement of almost all of the other Black Flag members, using pre-recorded basslines, and generally just being a complete pile of shit, Ginn dumbfoundingly claimed,

"I don't like hanging around cynical people. They'd never do something for a cat, so they can't understand that."

Further evidence that Greg Ginn is a human dickbag can be found within the 8 years worth of obscure Black Flag articles HERE online.

Cashgrab of the week: Buddyhead.com

How do you squeeze more heroin out of your local hipster?

Step 1: Have no taste in music.
Step 2: Don't start band Start music page.
Step 3: Take photo of self in wife beater or failing that post-coitus feline sex.
Step 4: Tell people what kind of music to like then don't be open to other people's opinions.
Step 5: Aol Skag from Huffington Post!!1
Step 6: Try to act like a bad ass Punk Rocker but really be some sad fuck living a boring life.
Step 7: Pull the Plug on any band you don't like.


Also, make a wikipedia that says you're openly gay. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Travis_Keller That definately helps.

Extra! Extra! Sunset Junction Cancelled! Gibby Haynes Furious Over Lack of Human Piss Targets!

http://www.tgdaily.com/games-and-entertainment-features/58134-unplugging-sunset-junction-street-fair-is-cancelled

Hey kids, want to see LA city government corruption in action? Visit this site here.

excerpt:
The five-member panel appointed by Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa cited concerns over unpaid fees from last year’s event in their denial of the permit. According to an official statement made today by Sunset Junction, one week prior to the 2010 Sunset Junction festival, the organization was given a bill from the city for $267,000—an unprecedented amount in the 31-year history of the street fair. The organization subsequently requested an itemization of the fees from the city, and claims that the fees were “inflated more than 10 times that of comparable LA festivals” and that the fees billed for the police were “questionably inflated.” These concerns were addressed at today’s permit hearing.

Kevin Rutmanis' Questionable Racial Comments

http://www.markprindle.com/rutmanis2-i.htm

Cash Grab of the Week: Noel Gallagher Needs to FUCKING STOP already

Guess who just released the first single off of their new solo record? If you guessed "someone I might actually give a fuck about" you're WRONG. No kids, it's Noel Gallagher and his randomly named High Flying Birds here to bum everyone out with acoustic shitrock:



In case you can't play the YouTube video posted above here, let me describe what it sounds like to you: it sounds like Noel Gallagher's fucking career ENDING is what it sounds like. Man, this shit wouldn't even cut it as a Heathen Chemistry b-side. Boring drums, virtually no electric guitar, shit lyrics, awkward horn solos for no reason...could someone finally tell Noel Gallagher about 16th notes? At least Nickelback has distorted guitars in their songs, this is just 4 minutes of cheesy strings and plodding drums even Tony McCarroll wouldn't have to strain himself to play. Why is this a single? Better yet, why was this even recorded?! You can tell he spent longer shooting this video than he probably did on recording the entire album. Get ready to buy this album from that rack next to the counter at Starbucks that holds all those Amy Grant and fucking Enya albums.

This new album is just going to be a bunch of weepy ballads from a sad old bastard. I'd rather listen to fucking Coldplay.

Fuckin' Cops Always Hassling the Incredible PCP Hulk

Cash Grab of the Week: Spike Andersons

Yeah fucko, you read that right: "Spike Andersons." Plural. As in, multiple fuckbags who are trying to cash in on the Spike Anderson Media/Needle Empire by using my name. Damnit, this is going to hurt sales of Spike's Cokegate Toothpaste (the only paste that lets you brush your teeth AND rub coke into them at the same time). So I guess I'm famous now or something. How do I know? Because I've been getting a lot of hits lately. Also, people have been visiting the website a lot.

What the fuck man, what's with all these people trying to steal my name by being born with it?! And really, who would be born with a name that bad? I wasn't even born with it, myself--I was born Needle Fuckbag Anderson, and I had to change my name to keep people out of my stash.

But I guess that didn't work, because now all the cash or westwood-style rubdowns that would normally come my way are going to this NAMBLA club roster:


First of all, I don't what the fuck he's doing to that dog, but it looks like he's showing it the kind of love only a 60 year old air force pilot from Texas could show it: corn-holing.




Hey, it's fuckin' Rivers Cuomo using his Target t-shirt and 'lude supply to pick up "the bitches." I'm pretty sure the one on the right is the lead singer of Rush.



The Grand Dragon of Wichita here seems like he's using my name to sell investment advice. My investment advice to him is to invest in getting a second hot plate for the methlab you call an office.



And finally there's this guy. I guess he's out there looking for underaged twinks or manning his Meth Lab, I don't fucking know.

My Hero (pt 2)

Donald Rumsfeld: Lizard Person

Fuckos, things are not as they seem--our former Secretary of Defense was (and is still) a lizard person. Louis CK found out first-hand:

As someone else said, "Rumself finally begs off with the excuse that his grandchildren are listening, to which Louis replies, 'They have a right to know.'"

Fuck man, we've already seen the damage that lizard people can inflict on slick-haired, greaseball 70's actors:

Fuck Spin Magazine

More ideas from the hip failures at Spin Magazine: comparing shit to other, unrelated shit for no goddamned reason whatsoever!!!1 Hey you fuckin' kids, wanna make your own Spin album review? Here's a shit-by-numbers kit that'll have you snorting printing ink searching for a way to kill the pain of your existance, just like if you were a staffer at Spin:

1) Fuckin' worthless adjectives. Add a few! It's not just a piano it's a "watery" piano. If a band has done cocaine, then their songs are "cocaine tight" or "cocaine drawn" or some other awkward attempt to use "cocaine" as an adjective. Example: if I wrote an album all of my songs would be referred to as "PCP-and-gas-soaked-rag tight".

2) Comparisons to genres of music which is in no way related to the album you're reviewing. If there are any kind of sampled drums on the record, you can bet some fuck at Spin will call it "Dubstep-y". Is there a slow song that has reverbed-out guitar on it? Congratulations! It is now "jazz influenced", mostly because no one at Spin has ever actually made eye contact with a real jazz record, or black subculture, in their entire fuckin' lives. And No, Al Jolson in blackface doesn't count. And if you can't think a genre to compare it to...



3) Make up your own genres, however baffling they might be to anyone with half of a brain left. After all, every band can't be "80s-influenced and DIY-minded" can they? Don't know what "alt-metal" is? Neither did the reviewer who put that into a review of the last Killing Joke record. Shit man, I could do this all day. Just name a band. The Strokes? "neo-garage." Nirvana? "proto-trash". Destroyer? Preemie-folktronica. The hyphen is your friend here--it will make your insane bullshit seem plausible to people who aren't paying attention to anything but the tits in the liquor ad on page 3 (aka most of Spin's readers). Fuck-you!

4) Vocabulary--add a few words that make you seem smart, and therefore worthy of making judgement calls about things you clearly don't know shit about. Throw the word "atavistic" in there somewhere without any explanation and you can check this one off and start counting the blowjob vouchers with your good, non-jerk-off hand. Can't read? NOT a problem because you can always make up words like "maximalistic". It won't matter anyway...no one reads Spin for record reviews...that's what ITunes is for.

5) You might ask yourself, "Spike, how many good songs do I need to have on an album to get a good review from Spin?" Let consult the old magic 8-ball on this one. *SNORRRRT* Hint: the answer is zero, you fuck!!! What, do you think Spin knows dick about good music?!? They only know about blowing the same 6 bands over and over (every album that Pavement ever made? 10 stars). The reviewer doesn't have to justify that rating to anyone except the inbreds who mail them every week and get nuked by the editor in the "letters" section that no one fuckin' reads. What does it matter if Yeasayer gets a 3/10 rating but still ends up on the yearly "Best Of..." list? No one's gonna take these fuckers to task except a junkie with a Glendale library card and veins fulla charlie cut with burrito droppings and pocket lint. Especially when they gotta sell ad space to K-Mart, so kids buying the latest Linkin Park album will buy their fuckin' tube socks.

I'll leave you now with just this catastrophe of a magazine cover. Take a good look at every name printed on it (starting with Nickelback live) and shudder deeply:



"At this point Spin Magazine is a version of "OK," "US," and "People" for all the useless yuppies that read vampire novels. Even then, why would you buy it when you can go online and read it for free?"
-Elvis

The Search for the Mel Gibson Stash Continues...

To a lubed-up muscle-wanker like Henry "Discreet Rubdown" Rollins , it's great to be an outsider. Of course, if you were to ask Greg Ginn...he'd say "Henry's a pussy - throwing teenage girls into Chain Reaction's brick wall is the new SWEET RELEASE". Yeah. Sure. Maybe 30 years ago, it was "Get in the Van." Now it's more like "Get in the Escalade while the chauffeur's cousin Joaquin gives you a rusty rimjob ontop of a pile of caviar-filled champagne bottles, platinum cards, and empty Dianabol vials. " Fuck man, Rollins doesn't live on the edge--he's too busy countin' the cash to measure up to a real edge-dweller: Mel Gibson.

Let's review, fuckos. Mel Gibson, the world's most famous bigot, has railed against gays, jews, african-americans, women, jews again, hispanic people, sobriety, good movies, education, his audiences, and his own lack of teen Malaysian dwarf-servants to poke at. Understand that Mel doesn't want to live on the edge, but his own confusing beliefs and daily 7 gram bowls of industrial-grade skag keep him too "limber" for straight society and your plebeian poolside blowjobs. And fuck, how do you reconcile the fact that you hate Hispanic people with your obsession with the Mayans?! Answer: take another hit of the meth slurry you seem to belt down like it was cheap, racist vodka.

So I thought to myself, "I don't care whose pets I gotta tie off this week, I'm gonna get my hands on some Gibson-grade arm candy." Well shit man, I crawled up and down Pico kicking over every cardboard box and tearing down every Shiloe gig flyer looking for my fix, when I found THIS FUCKING GUY restin' his coke spoons on an Amoeba Records shirt outside of El Burrito Jr...

So, naturally I did what every decent American would do...I celebrated my own personal 2 minutes hate with dollar needles stabs of brake fluid and whatever else I could "snowball" into a Ralph's bag. After that sweet drip, I licked my lips and slowly approached this jenkem merchant while foisting a picture of Mel Gibson dumping yuppie art-grads into a NoHo dumpster as my only form of identification. You see, Osama ain't dead, he just moved to La Brea where he supplies hipsters with baking soda eightballs and a complimentary eyesocket for blue balled sink-washing truckers.

To Be Continued...

Pure Gonzo

My Hero

punk fuckin' rock

Freedom of Information - Anonymous and the Philosophy of "Operation Payback"

Our society is currently learning a valuable lesson -- information is free and belongs in the hands of the people. The WikiLeaks cables which exposed diplomatic misdeeds fall under this principle. Those in government operate with full motherfucking impunity and don't want us to see the troops in Iraq mowing down civiilians because it might make their war "unpopular." Fuck that!

If you followed the Wikileaks scandal you might ask yourself, "why has Bradley Manning been thrown in jail and not one of the people who killed those children and civilians been punished?" Because the American legal system is broken in ways that are obvious to anyone who reads the news or pays attention to anything at all. And here's yet another one of many recent examples:

The GE Corporation used a tax loophole to gain a $3.2 billion dollar tax return this year. Then US Uncut, a burgeoning grassroots movement pressuring corporate tax cheats to pay their fair share, posted a fake GE press release announcing that they would return their illegitimate (but legal) $3.2 billion tax refund, and that they would lobby to close the sort of corporate tax loopholes that had allowed them to skip taxes in the first place. Several major media outlets, including USA Today, ran the story as true. It was eventually revealed as a hoax.

In the period the hoax was believed, GE's stock plunged by .6% (far more than the value of the supposed return), then quickly recovered as soon as it became apparent the press had been duped. Obviously, GE can't possibly be expected to do the right thing voluntarily; their stock would keep plunging. That's why we must change the law. That's assuming that anyone can get a law passed when corporations like GE have money enough to buy votes in Congress, making them essentially untouchable.

And these corporations ARE untouchable. The Sony Corporation slapped a lawsuit on George Hotz for merely posting a youtube video showing users how to access the processor of their ps3's. They won this court case, and the judge of the case granted Sony permission to view the IP addresses of everyone who visited the youtube video or the guy's website. The only retaliation that a company like Sony will receive is from Anonymous:


The internet is the last Wild West, and the people have the power there. So here's the deal, corporations: information and files are available over the internet for free no matter what you do. Nothing you do will change that. Accept it. What these corporations do if they can't get someone to take their content offline is hire internet security companies to hit them with denial of service attacks. This is what started Anonymous' Operation Payback to begin with.

Stop the lawsuits. They're lopsided, as you've made sure you've bought off enough control in the government so that the law is always on your side. People won't stand for it, and Anonymous is the result of that. Speaking on behalf of the RIAA, here's what Gene Simmons of KISS said:

"Make sure your brand is protected...Make sure there are no incursions. Be litigious. Sue everybody. Take their homes, their cars. Don't let anybody cross that line."

FUCK YOU.

"The people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, we guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us." - Fight Club

Spike vs. Internet: Round 3,423

- Jeff A Page:
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO U LEFT A VERY NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT ONE OF MY BOXING EVENTS.WHAT WAS IT THAT U DID NOT LIKE? I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO IMPROVE MY EVENTS AND I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT I NEED TO CORRECT.THANKYOU.

- Spike Anderson:
What warranted my negative comment? Bad cuts of skag. I need more fresh, pure heroin at these events to keep the monkey offa my back enough to enjoy them.

- Jeff A Page:
what the fuck r u talking about?just talk plain english and were u even there?

- Spike Anderson:
Is anyone really "here" or is life just an illusion caused by PCP? Whoa, shit's gettin' philosophical.

- Jeff A Page:
ok,i can see this is just a waste of my time and you are an obvious idiot who has done too many drugs and fried your brain.

- Spike Anderson:
Air guitar solos!!!111 middly middly mee mee MEWW!

Think you know what happened on "9/11?"

Think Again.

also, a group hitting corporate criminals back: http://theyesmen.org/

Article Titles Are for Bitches

On March 22, Tom Waits was accepted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Also, two Weeks ago, my shit was "accepted" into a toilet, where it will probably go on to be the next owner of Spaceland. I'm not comparing Tom Waits to shit, just the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame to a place where people unclench the bowels of the collective music industry and millionaires pat one another on the back. Hey, maybe they've got a space for him there next to ABBA and Dick Clark's massive coke spoon.

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
- Hunter S. Thompson

Spike vs. Witchita, KS

I've sold out to some online magazine. What's that you say--where's my cut? Well, what's 123% of zero dollars? Fuck.

Junko's Clinic: Purveyor of Spike Anderson's Heroin-Related Accupuncture Since 1976

Meth, Records, and Links to Confused Meth Heads Boasting About The Quality of Their Meth Source

Yet another pasty white man plans to drive around Tennessee in a yellow rape van, only this time it's Jack White. But here's the twist: he says there's records inside instead of delicious candy. Does that really help you rape more kids, Jack?


Did you know that 97% of all high school aged kids have never acquired a crippling meth addiction? And why not? Jesus, don't the kids have access to google meth search in schools these days?! I blame the economy and budget cuts for cheating our kids out their spastic, stuttering birthright. Listen to your man on the inside, Spike--try punching in "jesse hughes biker meth", you fuckin' kids! Pick any one of the 193 links that comes up and you're good.

Show Your Love For The Band By Hitting Them WIth Shit

The Jesus Lizard are a great group of guys. All fairly motionless on stage and around 6' tall. You could throw whatever's laying around at them all day and never miss. Maybe that's why I hit the singer back in '94 with my last piss bottle like I was Dock Ellis on a LSD-inspired no hitter.

The LA Scene is Dead, Go Fuckin' Home

Extra, extra! LA Weak-ley chronicles boring old men playing a secret show for their label's dealers! Bob fucking Mould was there, basically just to bum everyone out with his shitty music and desperately grope the twinks in the front row. What could be better than a secret show from 5 guys who have been mailing it in since that video where a midget got a handjob? How about a punch to the dick? Or anything, really?

Yes, the Foo Fighters have a new record coming out. No, you AREN'T supposed to give a fuck. Although they did recently reveal that their limo driver is a 60 year old speed freak.

I don't get how you can be punk rock and still be another dinosaur band that doesn't do shit except tag team the label's secretary and write mediocre songs that are just punk rock enough to guarantee that they'll keep the cash rolling in.

At least we all know that "genius" shitheads like Daft Punk are just a marketing team in plastic robot suits who don't actually make real music. Jesus fuckin' Christ.

Apparently LA is now just the retirement home for rich rock stars who don't do shit or care about anyone else's music. If you're not in the Foo Fighters, Eagles of Death Metal, or one of their 20 related bands, you don't have shit and can't get any decent gigs. For instance, who's playing the Whiskey for the next 3 weeks? Shitty metal bands and a few terrible cover bands -- very little original rock music. Spaceland's been bought out and now puts on gigs two or three times a week. The rest of the week? Fuckin' DJs. The Echo/Echoplex are the last decent venues in LA, and they're constantly in financial trouble.

Every member of the Sex Pistols lives in LA, but do they play in bands with the locals or go out to gigs? What about Trent Reznor? Married putting out shitrock with his wife. Josh Homme? Putting out mediocre shit and selling it to anyone dumb enough not to have seen them when it wasn't being phoned in. Anyone from The Doors? The only guy that gave a fuck is dead, the rest of them just play their old material so they'll be able to pay for their funeral in a few years. Perry Farrell? His last project sucked and was made fun of. Seems like he'd rather be on television with his wife. Guess who's getting a nice BJ tonite? John Fusciante? His solo records are shit and he has nothing else going on because he can't play for shit and never could. Anthony Keidis and the Chili Peppers? Strapped into their heroin feedbags. Dave Navarro? His orgy schedule won't let him. Henry Rollins? Says he "may never do music again." Sort of like how I "may never give a shit about anything Henry Rollins does again." Ozzy Osborne? Can't even take a shit without 13 hits from his kit bag and a permission slip from his bitch wife.

The Los Angeles scene is nothing and the people that live here are so dumb they don't mind these Rich, Useless, "Rock Stars" shitting in their ears and calling it a sundae. What choice do the rest of us have, then? You've got to get in the van.

Spike Anderson to Anonymous: You're Welcome

You know what's great? Cash. Making money is the greatest thing a human being can do on this terrible shithole planet. But being rich is for winners, and some uppity poor fucks just can't seem to warm to the idea of spending the rest of their days off squeegeeing the Sizzler salad bar sneeze guard's puke stains. So the fuckin' kids these days are into culture jamming. Spike Anderson has tried his hand at it before, mostly to rattle the fragile egos of shitheads from the west side:

Bassist Needed For Desperate Fame Seekers (santa monica)
We are looking to write great music that people can put into beer commercials. We see no moral problem with that at all. If you feel the same way that we do about money--i mean, music--then visit http://spikeanderson.blogspot.com/

Shameless self-promotion, I like that. Anyway, the almighty greedheads at Bank of America felt the need to try to strike a blow against some culture jamming group called "Anonymous". Anonymous? I've been there. Shit, I've been giving out Anonymous handjobs in the bathroom of the Circle K behind the ditch I sleep in for 19 years, and all I ever got in return is a free "froster" (which is kind of like a slurpee that one of the employees pissed in).

HBGary, a security company that invents new ways to rape your freedoms daily, was recommended to B of A by the Obama administration to help forge documents and otherwise build a case against Anonymous and WikiLeaks. If you want to find out the truth, you should do everything EXCEPT visit this link to some shitheads bitchy article about why we should hate being informed of corruption in the government.

Building a case against people who host teach-ins at universities and freedom of information rallies seems fair. Who the fuck wants free information?!? Haven't you ever heard of "pay to play", fucko? It works for the Whiskey's unique brand of shithead bookers, it'll work for the California educational system.

Well...okay. What the fuck did that last paragraph mean?! I typed it and I still don't fucking know. Rubbing pure mescaline into my tear ducts hasn't really made anything clearer. Maybe I'll just turn on the TV.

A simple trip to wikipedia provides even the most incoherent junkie with links to Anonymous' activities and whereabouts and the IRC channel and port that Wikileaks uses [IRC Server: sunshinepress.org Port:9999 (SSL ON) in case you're interested]. Anonymous aren't as open about where they operate as someone like Wikileaks: you're going to have to visit a few different sites to find out what's going on.

I'm waiting until WikiLeaks settles on a cash payout from Bank of America, because that's the obvious solution to this problem. Buy everyone out and fill up their websites with ads about penis growth and Rogaine chewable blotter sheets. Hey, it worked for fuckin' Myspace. If anyone involved is reading this, I offer you my services as a heroin manager/"business" injector free of charge...after I take my 3049% cut.

When will the government learn that every time they try to fight this shit its gonna end up like you beating your Dad's ass at Ken Griffey Jr.'s Baseball. Why? Fuck you that's why? Oh, you want a serious answer? Well, much like you and your Dad citizens and the government had some good times together a long time ago, but it soon went south. Now the government can't wait a minute to tamper with our food. I can just hear these fuckheads in the US Government now..."So, Momar Kadafi fired on his own people how do we one-up that?? Waterboarding? Too obvious. Fly a UFO over O'Hare Airport and scare the shit out of them?

Sorry we can only do that once.

I know we'll kill them and their children by poisoning their food." Because, guess what? We don't know the long term effects of modifying food and apparently that's not as scary or newsworthy as a UFO. But, hey its only the end of life as we know it, right?




One final parting money shot, an Anonymous slogan that will make corrupt assholes everywhere piss themselves in fear (and hungry, smack-filled promoters piss themselves for whatever reason I can think of off the top of my head)


We are Anonymous.
We are Legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
Expect us

Mind Control For Dummies

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110224/ap_on_re_us/us_pentagon_general_investigated

Spike's Mini-Cashgrab of the Day: Shinedown

When I was trying to make my dirty brown stain on the East Bay scene in AIDS Blanket, I always thought to myself, "fuck, I don't actually wanna have to write my own music to make it big." I realized I'm either:
a) too lazy
b) have 24 different unknown substances floating around inside me at any given time

or

c) I just wanna pay someone else to write this shit so I can get the credibility, fame, and all the hot topic sponsored hooker tag teaming that a grown man can stand.

Well, that shitty metal band Shinedown has clearly chosen "c". They hired a buncha studio musicians to play on their records, then had to practice those songs until they could actually PLAY them before going on tour behind them. Yet another Paramore-type situation that was put together to rope in more of the Three C's for the record execs--Cash, Coke, and C-hookers (alright the last one may or may not actually make any sense, but what else do you expect from a man who has to roofie himself to sleep every night?).

My source for this? Source?!? What are you some sort of fucking test tube baby?! What are my sources....how about every single studio musician in LA?! They're all pointing and laughing at the failure pile that is Shinedown. Seriously, it's not publicly known, but everyone involved with studio recording in LA will confirm it.

That Last Acid Tab Finally Just Kicked In

Great Cokehead Cash Grab of 2011

...Thom I think you'll really appreciate what I'm about to do for you. See, I heard about your new album of Shitrock that's being mailed today kinda like the "mailing in" you did while recording it. You didn't have enough material, but so what? That can easily be fixed by combing through the old "On A Friday" demos, putting the ipod on shuffle and hitting record. Anyway, I'm gonna get to the fuckin' point. I am prepared to give you a 20% cut of my worst(best)skag. Judging by your last record you're gonna need all the help you can get. That In Rainbows shit might fly with your run of the mill dumbass/Passion Pit fan but for anyone with a discerning ear you might want to actually fucking try this time. And, when other college students talk shit about you and are right....

But now, with The King of Limbs, we're back to paying standard-issue fees for digital versions of the album ($9? Get out of here...). And Radiohead have proven themselves as just another pop band churning out singles (see the video), not really interested in pushing forward their music stylistically, or continuing to sit on the forward guard of the new music market. Oh well. A band that was pretty interesting there, for a few years, is boring again. Yawn.

<
Well, buddy, that's when you need my particular home-made products. I mean every shithead who thinks they know anything about music is tearing you apart. All you need are some good drugs to put you over the edge and back on top of the world. Because, let's face it Radiohead without drugs...and a sense of humour...you're just fucking Coldplay!!1

Radiohead - Lotus Flower by h0nki
Shit man, this fucker took the label's gold card and went to Dolce Gabbana and all he got was a shitty bowler's hat? The last time I danced like this I had just coasted thru the security checkpoint at JFK before the balloon finally burst.

The Great White Guitar Wank Opus

Hey kids, fill your favorite syringe and clean your best bent/dull needle...and then listen to 4:59-5:48 of this Cramps interview.

Done? Ok, now get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness and maybe just maybe good ol' Spike will give you some of the "bad" mostly Labrador stuff. The price? Your dad's gold card and admitting that your Ipod is full of bubblegum creed cum clots. Oh and a pair of your sister's panties...you know for "educational" purposes.

See kids, the truth is that Rock and Roll is for fucked up nihilistic sex fueled drug hazed mental patients. Yup, look at all the greats...Fast Finger Freddie of the short lived East Bay thrash band, Vietnam. Shit, we used to milk his cat to make Uncle Charlie milk shakes. Then, we'd jack your jaguar and take it on a Brothels Across Oakland world tour. My point is - look at all the rock stars. Jagger pushed a snicker's bar up Faithfull's cooch. All Darby Crash wanted was another beer. Lennon rearranged hecklers faces at shows and did so much acid that he thought it was a good idea to let his wife record an album. Iggy Pop sliced himself open on stage and sang about "cocks in his pocket". Bowie stuffed every conceivable powder up his holy nostrils. GG was born under the legal name Jesus Christ Allin and was later arrested and imprisoned for rape and torture. Ginn hated girls so much that he threw teenage female punks into brick walls when they foiled his feral cat benefits. I could go on except that I don't remember too much of the 70's or 80's....well, I remember my gay 90's pretty decently but thats for another time.



Free tip #1. If you are going to be a rock band then forget about your amyl dreams of the great white 10 guitar wank opus. That dream is dead, you can thank CAN for killing it, digging it back up, raping it, burying it, digging it back up and attaching nipple clamps to its black dahlia-esque grin.



Free tip #2. cut the intro and outro. Look, follow this equation to all the tit flashings your black heart desires: verse + chorus + bridge + chorus + call it a night. Look, shitstain, keep your songs short because I need your gig to be over in 10 minutes so I can haul your ass down to little Joey Leibowitz's bar mitzvah by 3pm and then swing by my flop house by 4pm and score.

Your songs should be like this


Free tip #3. Art is for losers. Remember, its Friday and the random girl/guy in the audience just got canned from American Apparel for sticky labia wrestling in the leggings section. All he or she wants to do is get their rocks off to something loud that their parents will hate. Shit, all I want to do is throw up some horns and drop a Quaalude in your Pabst.

Don't do this


So remember.....

Shut up and play.

Los Haters the Needle in my Eye

So, apparently some scum fucks are trying to make Arizona a facist state. Well, they're already a racist state, so..they're already halfway there. Oh, sorry wrong blog.
Spike here and I am hopping mad. The man wants to take away my coke and needle tacos along with my heroin-infused milkshakes that I get at the Umberto's taco truck on Pico. It seems mexican-americans weren't content to just leave things alone, I mean hey man they got a song in a big movie, right?





Ain't that enough?!!1


Well they just had to fucking go and offend everyone by trying to become a citizen and make a decent life for their families. Shame on you Mexican-Americans. You clearly don't love this land of freedom enough or God would have let you be born here. All that's left to do is go back to what I was doing in the first place before I wrote all this shit...smoking cockroaches:

Cash Grab of the Week: Replacing Real Music With Some Shithead DJ

Spike Anderson loves DJs.

Oh jesus oh god no, already it's sentance one and he's contradicted himself, you're thinking. And so what? You can second guess a man with lungs full of diesel fumes all you want, but you can't fight the wisdoms of my latest business venture.

Ask yourself this: why manage bands when you can just have one guy play other people's music all night and make the same 97.001% cut with an all-access pass to the craft-services table? Bands are full of uppity young fucks, and none of them take well to my patented hands-on-throat management style.

Own a stereo? Then you're a DJ. Better learn how to stare vacantly at a bunch of hipsters pretending not to care, because you're on at the Echo for a 4 PM set. You're on after DJ iPod Shuffle. Hey, it takes talent to pick an LP out of crate and set it on a record player. My cut. Fucking. I want. Now!

Spike Presents, "What Your Gigs SHOULD Be Like, Posers"

Okay fuckos, here's the story behind the gig:

Black Flag was scheduled to fill in for "The US Airforce Orchestra" after they couldnt attend so BF told the park owner that (according to Keith Morris, singer of Black Flag) "we had some Fleetwood Mac songs in our set."

The gig was supposed to be part of a series of gigs called "Concerts in the Park" which consisted of mainly jazz or hard rock bands. So when many of the mothers and fathers in the park heard that Black Flag was playing, they assumed that they were another old, children friendly, jazz band. Keith Morris says, "all of a sudden there's this line of leather-clad, torn Levis, black t-shirts, spiky dyed hair guys coming in: surf rats, skaters, skiers, a sprinkling of druggie friends... "

When the mighty Black Flag stepped on stage, the mayham began to occur and thats about the time when the picnicking families realized the same thing. Keith: "The first thing I remember saying is, 'We're loud, and if you don't like that, you can go watch Walt Disney.' Then we
launched into our set, and for ten minutes it rained orange peels, cantaloupes, half-eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken drumsticks."

Needless to say, the gig was a complete catastrophe. A few days later, the Manhattan Beach Recreation Department's Special Events Supervisor apologized in a press release: "We plan to screen and audition every act from now on...so nothing like this will ever happen again."

Fuck the man.



Most of their best gigs were near-riots anyway:

SLOW CHAFING SATANIC HANDJOB

------> READ THIS

Put on your "Church Clothes" kids - Because just when I thought it was safe to gargle some Hurricane Charlie, slice my face open, and blow your dad - someone just had to knock the caviar out of my mouth.

Do you know what it is like to have your white-gloved puritanical wisdom banhammered by greedy Extenze Advertisers?




...like a cheese grater against the soft yeasty nubile foreskin!!!1




Much like "Future Doorway Dwellers" this music video, by the Cramps, was banned from TV...blame the PMRC...or THE SHIT-BAG COMPANIES that ADVERTISE on MTV (of course Capitol/EMI didn't have a problem putting the record sales up their nose). Apparently, you can't use forceps to pry a full grown man out of a sweet smelling bloody zombie pussy. Speaking of pussies, Sergi says it would make a good OB Tampon commercial...you know the one marketed to teens during family dinner time. Can you break $20? SLURP, SNIFF. I digress, because apparently ADVERTISERS don't like it when a man puts a chicken leg down his thong while bending over to show his burnt starfish. Also, you can't have a woman sit on a dude's face and put it on TV - someone might begin to VIOLENTLY MASTURBATE. But then again, this vile video is available on Youtube.com and god knows NO ONE ADVERTISES WITH THAT ONLINE BLOWJOB VIDEO DATABASE.

"Settle Down Spike, you're blowing this out of proportion. Google is letting you corrupt minds they're just not going to pay you for it!"

WELL FUCK YOU, I NEED MY 1000% CUT, I HAVE A FISTING PARTY AT THE MOTEL 6 TO PAY FOR. (btw, its the Motel 6 a block away from Hollywood Park if you are interested and have 5 bux)


I can't seem to get that annoying taste of JIZZ-CRUST duct tape off my lips. Shit, now the Redondo John's are requesting that I wear a rubber glove when I hop on the end of a 4 man train? What is the world coming to!

The solution you ask? Besides a juicy fat tit nipple that squirts liquid PCP (thats Phencyclidine for the laymen or bay area computer programing speedball regulars)? Corrupting impotent males googling for Tijuana grade Viagra!!1

Ok now this is where I clean up, find god, start a cooking blog, become a substitute teacher at a christian high school, and jerk off to American Idol while standing in front of an open window. ONLY IN AMERICA.



JUST THROW SOME FUCKING LOOSE CHANGE AT THE SON OF A BITCH!!!1


AdSense, the Domino's Pizza of Advertisers?

Exhibit 1. AdSense + Steroids = American.




Exhibit 2. AdSense + Ebay = Cheap Babies

3. Exhibit 3. AdSense + WoW = pay for sex.

Exhibit 4. AdSense + Burglary = Hey, its the "Economy".


The truth is that advertisers don't care who pimps their shit. Only, how big the asshole's arm is that swings the pimp hand.

Well, I guess I can't rely on Google to pay me so i can eat wine & Coke Taco's....so its back to the corner...but i'll rise up from the bottom of the river...bitch!!!1



BTW, a man's ass is ok with advertisers.....just as long as no one says FUCK

Censored by The Man!! (AKA Google Are Spineless Pussies)

Google thinks this blog is too obscene for its advertisers. Hey Google, here's a couple of names you might of heard of before: Perez Hilton, Buddyhead.com, Cracked.com, and about 500 other blogs with tons of advertisers that are just as profane as this one. To give you some idea of why these 733t haxors are bed-wetting shitheads, here's a fun fact from wikipedia: "New employees are called "Nooglers," and are given a propeller beanie hat to wear at their first TGIF." You can't make shit like that up:


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Hello Spike,

Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. Unfortunately, after
reviewing your application, we're unable to accept you into Google
AdSense at this time. We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below.

We've found that your website contains content
that isn't in compliance with our program policies. We don't allow
websites with excessive profanity or potentially offensive content to
participate in Google AdSense. Please review our policies
for a complete list of site content not allowed on web pages.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Now how's this for hypocrisy? According to Google's Guide to Net Neutrality, where they they claim to be huge supporters of free speech online,

"Network neutrality is the principle that Internet users should be in control of what content they view and what applications they use on the Internet."

The first step to giving people control over their content is letting advertisers decide to throw in with controversial sites rather than pre-approving them and telling your advertisers who they can and can't advertise with.

Here's an experiment, kids. Go visit Time Magazine's best blogs of 2010. I know, I know. Fuck Time Magazine. But still, look at how most of those blogs contain some kind of profanity. One's even called "Sh__ My Kids Ruined" for fuck's sake. Look, not everyone in this country is 10 years old. Most of us use profanity in our daily lives. Fuck Google and fuck the Soccer Mom-ification of America.

(By the way, it hasn't escaped me that this site is actually hosted on a google-related website. But it's too late to switch now and there really isn't anything else out there that's free).

It's okay, you can always vote Sarah Palin into power if you can't handle hearing the truth occasionally blaring at you from a monitor. You can always turn on FOX News and pray to Jesus to finally turn this country into the Third Mall from the Sun once in for all. Or maybe you could grow up and realize that people should be allowed to say things you disagree with, because it's their right to do so as human beings.



If you like Spike Anderson, here's a list of non-google search engines that do the job just as well without the mega-corporate fucksmanship you've just come to acknowledge thanks to my jarring, violent wisdoms. Which engine do I recommend? The first one to come up with this page as the result of a search for "Spike Anderson Sez Fuck Off"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

New Shit

What's new, what's new...well for one thing, the ads on the side of the page will help keep my veins filled with smack and maybe afford me a luke-warm tortilla that's been spat in from El Burrito Jr. That's right, spikeanderson.blogspot.com is now officially a business, so now I can start dumping sewage in the LA river like every other corporation. Shit, that's like dumping water into a pool.

Posers, Hipsters, people who want a t-shirt with a junkie on it...look at the very bottom of this page and find the Spike Anderson t-shirt. Jizz stains not included.

Oh and I almost forgot, everyone's favorite worst band ever has a twitter--The Three Douches. Now you can keep tabs on their daily round of butler beatings.

Spike Presents, "Here's What You're Doing Wrong, You Fucker"

Here's what you're doing wrong--you're clearly a marketing team who thinks they know dick about music. Craigslist, you've never let me down when it comes to shitbrained posers:
-------------------
"Rock-genred (marketable, but in good taste).
Initial goal>>>move our creative team into creative space and force magic.

This position is non-paid until deals are offered. Inquire by clicking hyperlink above. Serious inquiries ONLY"
-------------------

Cash Grab of the Week: Paramore aka God's Chosen Greedheads

If you've been paying attention to the failures of the music industry during the last 5 years, then you've probably heard of the self-described poser emo band Paramore. Yep, that's right--finally someone came out and declared themselves to be "emo". Jesus Christ, not even fucking Fallout Boy would cop to that bullshit.

The band was founded by some sort of evangelical hooker and random musicians pulled from Atlantic's massive rolodex of cokeheads who own a Squier Shitcaster. Hope the paycheck was worth being told what to play by someone with the intelligence of a 12 year old who's been snorting lines of glitter off her Lisa Frank coke mirror since she was shat out of the test tube by a coupla industry fucks.

They're all practicing Christians, which is yet another thing you can put into the pile of reasons not to give a fuck about them. It's all a ploy to make their music go down easier for the dead-eyed Calvary Chapel soccer moms of the world. What would Jesus do? Flash his tits on Twitter to the world for fame, I guess. Hey, you know what? Spike Anderson loves Jesus, too. Now you judgmental born again assholes can feel guilt-free about enjoying my posts about trying to find the last good vein in my eyelid for my daily fix. Sure, I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, especially since he seems to be cool with me fucking over my fellow man for my 138% cut.

Apparently, that paycheck wasn't enough to keep the rest of the band from leaving and the guitarist from telling us what we already know: their band is a pile of shit.

Here's the shocking revelations contained in this songblower's announcement:
- Paramore were formed by a major label looking for easier access to hookers n' coke
- The lead singer is a cunt who is desperate for attention
- Their music blows

Well what a fuckin' newsflash that is. At least he had the balls to tell everyone the real reasons his shitty band is no longer plaguing us with their music. As far as the singer goes, the world now knows she's an attention starved whore who is a glorified American Idol contestant sponsored by Hot Topic. In a perfect world, she would be beaten on sight by music fans and reasonable people everywhere she went. In reality, she'll probably start her new career as a cam whore and reality TV show shitbag any day now.

Shit man, with hair like that I half expect the Grimace to show up to your gigs and blow coke up the Hamburgler's nose before the encore.

Resurgence of The Paycheck/Rush Limbaugh should have been a blowjob

My old friend Jimmy called me the other day to talk about Lenny Dykstra. I had to smack him upside the head and remind him of two things:

1) Lenny Dykstra is a baseball player and not even that great of one. I'm sure the 2 people still watching baseball might care but the rest of us DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

2) There are more important things like the story out of Arizona. Basically, someone who isn't brain damaged but may become a vegetable was almost killed by this fuckhead who was possibly inspired by this dumbfuck.

Just remember Jim, Rush Limbaugh knows best.