Cash Grab of the Week: Noel Gallagher Needs to FUCKING STOP already

Guess who just released the first single off of their new solo record? If you guessed "someone I might actually give a fuck about" you're WRONG. No kids, it's Noel Gallagher and his randomly named High Flying Birds here to bum everyone out with acoustic shitrock:



In case you can't play the YouTube video posted above here, let me describe what it sounds like to you: it sounds like Noel Gallagher's fucking career ENDING is what it sounds like. Man, this shit wouldn't even cut it as a Heathen Chemistry b-side. Boring drums, virtually no electric guitar, shit lyrics, awkward horn solos for no reason...could someone finally tell Noel Gallagher about 16th notes? At least Nickelback has distorted guitars in their songs, this is just 4 minutes of cheesy strings and plodding drums even Tony McCarroll wouldn't have to strain himself to play. Why is this a single? Better yet, why was this even recorded?! You can tell he spent longer shooting this video than he probably did on recording the entire album. Get ready to buy this album from that rack next to the counter at Starbucks that holds all those Amy Grant and fucking Enya albums.

This new album is just going to be a bunch of weepy ballads from a sad old bastard. I'd rather listen to fucking Coldplay.

Fuckin' Cops Always Hassling the Incredible PCP Hulk

Cash Grab of the Week: Spike Andersons

Yeah fucko, you read that right: "Spike Andersons." Plural. As in, multiple fuckbags who are trying to cash in on the Spike Anderson Media/Needle Empire by using my name. Damnit, this is going to hurt sales of Spike's Cokegate Toothpaste (the only paste that lets you brush your teeth AND rub coke into them at the same time). So I guess I'm famous now or something. How do I know? Because I've been getting a lot of hits lately. Also, people have been visiting the website a lot.

What the fuck man, what's with all these people trying to steal my name by being born with it?! And really, who would be born with a name that bad? I wasn't even born with it, myself--I was born Needle Fuckbag Anderson, and I had to change my name to keep people out of my stash.

But I guess that didn't work, because now all the cash or westwood-style rubdowns that would normally come my way are going to this NAMBLA club roster:


First of all, I don't what the fuck he's doing to that dog, but it looks like he's showing it the kind of love only a 60 year old air force pilot from Texas could show it: corn-holing.




Hey, it's fuckin' Rivers Cuomo using his Target t-shirt and 'lude supply to pick up "the bitches." I'm pretty sure the one on the right is the lead singer of Rush.



The Grand Dragon of Wichita here seems like he's using my name to sell investment advice. My investment advice to him is to invest in getting a second hot plate for the methlab you call an office.



And finally there's this guy. I guess he's out there looking for underaged twinks or manning his Meth Lab, I don't fucking know.