The Great White Guitar Wank Opus

Hey kids, fill your favorite syringe and clean your best bent/dull needle...and then listen to 4:59-5:48 of this Cramps interview.

Done? Ok, now get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness and maybe just maybe good ol' Spike will give you some of the "bad" mostly Labrador stuff. The price? Your dad's gold card and admitting that your Ipod is full of bubblegum creed cum clots. Oh and a pair of your sister's panties...you know for "educational" purposes.

See kids, the truth is that Rock and Roll is for fucked up nihilistic sex fueled drug hazed mental patients. Yup, look at all the greats...Fast Finger Freddie of the short lived East Bay thrash band, Vietnam. Shit, we used to milk his cat to make Uncle Charlie milk shakes. Then, we'd jack your jaguar and take it on a Brothels Across Oakland world tour. My point is - look at all the rock stars. Jagger pushed a snicker's bar up Faithfull's cooch. All Darby Crash wanted was another beer. Lennon rearranged hecklers faces at shows and did so much acid that he thought it was a good idea to let his wife record an album. Iggy Pop sliced himself open on stage and sang about "cocks in his pocket". Bowie stuffed every conceivable powder up his holy nostrils. GG was born under the legal name Jesus Christ Allin and was later arrested and imprisoned for rape and torture. Ginn hated girls so much that he threw teenage female punks into brick walls when they foiled his feral cat benefits. I could go on except that I don't remember too much of the 70's or 80's....well, I remember my gay 90's pretty decently but thats for another time.



Free tip #1. If you are going to be a rock band then forget about your amyl dreams of the great white 10 guitar wank opus. That dream is dead, you can thank CAN for killing it, digging it back up, raping it, burying it, digging it back up and attaching nipple clamps to its black dahlia-esque grin.



Free tip #2. cut the intro and outro. Look, follow this equation to all the tit flashings your black heart desires: verse + chorus + bridge + chorus + call it a night. Look, shitstain, keep your songs short because I need your gig to be over in 10 minutes so I can haul your ass down to little Joey Leibowitz's bar mitzvah by 3pm and then swing by my flop house by 4pm and score.

Your songs should be like this


Free tip #3. Art is for losers. Remember, its Friday and the random girl/guy in the audience just got canned from American Apparel for sticky labia wrestling in the leggings section. All he or she wants to do is get their rocks off to something loud that their parents will hate. Shit, all I want to do is throw up some horns and drop a Quaalude in your Pabst.

Don't do this


So remember.....

Shut up and play.