Cash Grab Of The Week - Slash's Pissing on His Own Legacy

Slash...if he lived in The Soviet Union he'd be working in the gulags. I don't really need to say anything about him. All I need to do is play you this clip:


No, it isn't the 34 tabs of low-grade acid you had for breakfast playing tricks with your mind. That actually is a rap version of "Paradise City" featuring Fergie (which is pants-shittingly bad). Way to piss all over your own legacy, Slash. Any of your other old songs you want to ruin? Maybe an N'Sync/Fallout Boy disco cover of "Sweet Child o' Mine"? I was going to name some of your other songs, but I can't think of a single song besides those two that isn't already ruined as it is. And when his fans got pissed off at his terrible version of "Paradise City" he said that they took his music "too seriously." Yeah, get off his back. He only recorded that song as a joke. A joke that he will sell to a fucking Coca-Cola commercial so he can add another floor to his house.

That song is from Slash's first solo album, by the way. You know, the one where he convinces a few untalented burnouts from Reseda to help him sell albums. What could be better than 70 minutes of generic rock riffs with the guy from Maroon 5 whining over it? Good news guys, Slash compiled a list of everyone he knew who would help him grab some cash and put them on the same record! If either this or selling his soul to the people who made Guitar Hero doesn't have him eating 9mm rounds for dinner soon, I don't know what will.

Protip: I've heard that there's a cheat code in Guitar Hero 3 where you can restore Slash's dignity and self-respect.

He's beyond the point of being a sellout. He's entered into some new category of being a sellout that there isn't a name for. To top it all off he actually called modern musicians "sellouts." What fucking balls. Hey Slash, want to see a sell out? Print out your fucking discography off of wikipedia. See that entry for the Insane Clown Posse? How about the one for TLC? What about Rhianna? Someone should beat that hypocrite with a bottle of shitty Slash rotgut vodka (4 proof, aged in Slash's bathtub):


The reason that anyone can tolerate this 45 year old dude strutting around in his stupid top hat, bumbling around looking like he's searching for a fix while he's on stage is that he was the guitarist for Guns N' Roses. For some fucking reason people like their first record, which I still think is annoying and worthless, but I'm willing to conceed this point to all the fuck toads out there who tattooed "GNR roolz!" on their dicks. Okay...but what has he done since that one record? Nothing but legacy-ruining bullshit and we all know it.

So how does he still have a career? Ultimately, his music is for children. His top hat and public persona makes him a sort of a cartoon character to them, and honestly they're the only ones dumb enough to actually take his bullshit seriously. Look at most Slash fans. They're almost all under the age of 18. Either that or they're old people trying to relive their 20's, when they would take coke naps in the hallways of motels on the Sunset Strip (or maybe that was just me). So when Time Magazine comes out and calls him the 2nd best guitarist after Jimi Hendrix, something needs to change. Someone has to call out this, to borrow a phrase from Miles Davis, "no playing motherfucker," and apparently a junkie from El Segundo has to do it because no one else in the music press has any balls any more.

Slash - You're severely over-rated, and you're more of a salesman than a musician right now. Do the right thing. Put your guitar away forever and maybe we'll try to forget all those hilarious videos of you fucking up your own ridiculously simple riffs while you're strung out.



(There nothing cute about showing a stadium full of people that you can't play for shit, despite what the title of the video above says)

BEEP BEEP BEEP Newsflash! Axl Rose sez "Slash used to piss himself backstage." I don't even need to write a fucking joke here: the guy used to PISS HIMSELF.