Cash Grab o' The Week: Billy Shitstain Corgan

Big Bill Corgan...what a piece of fucking work he is. At any point in his career, I could think of a million reasons he should be banned from ever making eye contact with a guitar again. So fuck, where do I start? All the speed and seconal powder I rubbed into my gumline doesn't seem to be helping. You got a problem? Yo, I'll solve it. Just quote the pasty weirdo and let him let loose his gibbering psychoses:

"About six months ago, I listened to Siamese Dream. That was the first time I'd ever really heard my own album, because I had separated from the experience of making the record. And it really moved me. It made me cry, it's so beautiful." - BC 1996

Now that's fucking comedy.

Okay, let's say you're the average concertgoer. For some reason you bang down 50 gallons of meth/speedball stew, trip, open your wallet, and accidentally buy a few tickets to a Smashing Pumpkins reunion show. An unlikely scenario, I know. No one in their right mind would ever buy any kind of ticket to a Smashing Pumpkins concert. As for the meth/speedball stew...well...when you're like Spike and every vein is collapsed and clogged with bacon fat from injecting liquid Arby's sandwiches, you have to get creative.

Anyway, so you bought a ticket to Billy Corg---errr, The Smashing Pumpkins. You're going to see only one of the original members prance around stage playing songs that everyone hates, and talk shit on his own fans when they seem upset at his terrible performance and choice of setlist. Was it worth $80 per ticket plus the inevitable wallet-raping Ticketmaster "convenience" charge?

Hey kids, Billy Corgan's not just a junkie reject from a Mr.Clean commercial with a guitar. He's a professional wrestler, too! Did y'all know that?! That's pretty sweet, bro. I mean, I always knew he was a cock wrestler, but...

BC is a fan of burning bridges, and why the fuck not? It's not like any of his former bandmates want to see his name anywhere except for on the top of a check. I mean, this shit wizard has a bone to pick with everyone:

On February 17, 2004, Corgan posted a message in which he blamed guitarist James Iha for the breakup of The Smashing Pumpkins four years prior. He also referred to bassist D'arcy Wretzky as "a mean spirited drug addict." In another post, Corgan insulted his former Zwan bandmates, claiming they had been self-conscious about their "indie cred" to the point of hurting those around them. Poking fun at their indie stance, he called them "poseurs" and declared them to be "filthy", opportunistic, and selfish.

Watch out, Billy Corgan might bitch about you to vampire-makeup wearing queens on his livejournal if you make him mad and/or if he gets a bad cut of skag that week. Chances are, if you've pissed off Billy Corgan you've done something right. Not that any of the former Smashing Pumpkins did do anything right, though. D'Arcy became a junkie and has to live with her parents in Michigan to keep her from riding the snake, James Iha doesn't have a penis, and Jimmy Chamberlin is probably digging around for loose change beneath the bleachers of a little league softball game in Azusa right now. Bilbo Corgan replaced them all with hipsters from Santa Monica and travels around with his hosebag freakshow to bum people out and force them to remember that time he wrote a book of shitty, shitty poetry. Blinking with fists? More like Shitting on Typewriter.

Lately he's been taking lessons from Limp Bizkit. He started a contest for bassists/keyboardists to audition via his livejournal, and then he just goes and hires some fuck from Veruca Salt who can barely play her instrument anyway. What a surprise, his bassist is a pale W.A.S.P. woman. Hey Corgan, going to start holding auditions at Guitar Center soon? I'd gladly show up for a chance to get a hold of whatever drugs you seem to be on 24 hours a day. When you finally complete your transformation into Fred Durst, put your hat on backwards, and start rapping about nookie, I promise to pretend not to laugh (if it'll get me the gig). Hey, Fred Durst is a fellow wrestling fan. Maybe you can meet up, drop trou, and do some sweaty, shameless "wrestling" one day.

The truth is that Billy Corgan fell ass backwards into success back in the 90's, and everything since then has been further proof that he's just a whiny crackhead from Chicago who got lucky. When you sabotage your own career, lock your bandmates out of the studio so you can record their parts, and do everything you can to piss all over your paying audience, you deserve the worst. Courtney Love.