The Coachella of My Burning Asshole!

Hey, how's the sunburn? Did you remember to drink enough fluids. Ho boy, you must be tired what with all the synthetic Sky Valley peyote, $30 vegan tacos, and one giant sized Thom Yorke elvish kick to your nutsack!

Oh wait, let me translate for all the folks that don't speak hipster. Every 20somethings favorite holiday in the sun occurred this past weekend. Ahem, you know The Coachella Festival? Yep, a big sucking musical magnet for fledgling date rapists, unicorn forest camp counselors, and chain smoking 50 year-old desert hot springs bartenders has 'happened', man.

And now the blog-o-sphere lights up as light stick wielding attendees rush to see how they can keep the sex train rolling until next spring's party in methland.

But before the Spikester leaves, I just wanted to let everyone know a little bit of information. You see, I'm sure Thom Yorke and his glacier saving ass cashed a check this weekend. Probably looked something like this....


Ok, back to my point. You see, I'm sure lots of people drove their pink Prius's to the polo grounds in order to hand over their hard earned skag money to uh...

A. Bilderbergers
B. Illuminati
C. the man
D. a very bad man
E. an undercover popper selling cop
F. AEG
G. All of the Above.

Before I post this family tree for all of you american apparel wearing fucksticks, keep in mind AEG, the owners of the Coachella Festival, also bears the same name as the defunct German motor manufacturer AEG that donated money to the MOTHERFUCKING NAZIS! Just a coincidence, but the Spikester loves to weave a great story.


The Coachella Festival - The Cold Hard Truth...as documented by a junkie

The Coachella Festival is promoted by Goldenvoice and owned by AEG.
AEG, or Anschutz Entertainment Group, is owned by the The Anschutz Corporation.
The Anschutz Corporation was founded by Philip Anschutz.
The Anschutz family owned the largest oil field in the United States.
The Anschutz family sold half of the interest to the oil field to MOBIL.


"Coachella debuted in 1997 with Rage Against the Machine and Beck headlining. Because of low attendance and high production costs, the then-independently owned Goldenvoice lost at least $750,000 on the inaugural festival. It did not stage another edition of Coachella until 2001, the same year it was bought by AEG Live (which now also owns a controlling interest in the San Diego Sports Arena)."

"We almost didn't do Coachella this year," said Paul Tollett, 44, the organizer and founder of the 11-year-old show, which is promoted by concert heavyweight Goldenvoice and owned by AEG in Los Angeles. "We felt the economy wasn't looking so hot. But festivals seem to be hanging in there, and I'm as surprised as anyone." - LA Times

"In May 2001, the Bush administration upheld Anschutz's right to drill an exploratory oil well at Weatherman Draw, in south-central Montana where Native American tribes wanted to preserve sacred rock drawings. "

"Often identified as "Christian billionaire Phil Anschutz"^[20], he is a Republican donor who supported George W. Bush's administration. He has been an active patron of a number of religious and conservative causes:"

"Helped fund Colorado's 1992 Amendment 2, a ballot initiative designed to overturn local and state laws that prohibit discrimination against individuals on the basis of sexual orientation but was invalidated by Romer v. Evans after it passed."

"Helped fund the Discovery Institute, a think tank based in Seattle, Washington that promotes intelligent design and criticizes evolution"

"Supported the Parents Television Council, a group that protests against television indecency"

"In 2009 Anschutz purchased the conservative American opinion magazine The Weekly Standard from Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation.^"

Ok, I'm lazy and im getting the whiskey shakes. Folks, if the Spikester could spend 5 minutes scouring the web for information on the Coachella Festival, or as I like to call it, "Geezer Cash Grab/Hipster Void Drug Fest", then imagine what you could do with a GED and a computer that isn't owned by the County Library. Just remember, vegan tacos and 20 dollar donation to save the rain forest are really code for "so, have you heard Hot Chip's B-sides and uh, wanna fuck?".

One more time, Coachella - you, yes - your ass is putting lots and lots of coin into the pockets of a guy who wants you to believe that all dinosaurs, with the exception of Paul McCartney, never existed. He hates obscenity but promotes MGMT and She & Him ear rapings. Look, the Spikester doesn't give a fuck about Coachella and how many dead seals I get to club for the show to go on. In fact, I applaud Thom Yorke for gettin' paid and all the fossil fuels spent is just a bonus. The point is, I hate your ass!

You can't beat the man, he always gets his 87% cut!



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Sources:
The Hipster Bible aka Wikipedia