$600 & a needle of skag or obo + my 50% Cut (Finder's Fee)...I'm jones'n.
CarFax Report:
1969 Shit Van w/ Convert LX Shell - Vin: 27OD77RCK69MNNN
- Does Not Qualify for CARFAX Buyback Guarantee
- Twenty Seven-owner vehicle
- Collision Repair Facility record indicating multiple car/engine fires
- Salvage and rebuilt, no titles issued, illegal in Florida
- No Muffler
- Certified Mobile Flop House
- Deluxe Model, comes with piss washing hobo
- Warranty voided
- Sophomore Slump Package Available
- FEMA Flood advisory
- Manufacturer recall
- One Large Midnight Accident in Dörarp, Sweden.
- Propensity to kill the most talented musician in your band: i.e. your bassist
- Warning: Modified Dodge Ram Van w/ Camper
Thinking of taking your shitty no-talent "Indie/Folk/Americana" clone band out on tour? Well, listen up wastoids, I got a cherry money pit up for grabs. I can't tell you how many tours, blowjobs, botched felchjobs, and colostomy bags this money sucker has seen. Oh wait, almost forgot the biggest selling point. Back in the early 80's, when I was the thrash/speed slop-styled guitarist for Nutwrench..ever heard of them...didn't think so poser, I hid this major payload, a sweet deal I worked out with a Columbian national and a three armed nitro fueled porno store janitor named Lenny in Wabash, in the back camper. Anyway, here's the rub, I was kicked out of the band at a gas station in Tacoma. So, I already ransacked the van yesterday and shit, I couldn't find it. If you can its yours.
Ooooooohooooooohoooo, you want to tour Europe, the Scandinavian terrain? Well, shit I almost forgot to tell you, this oil burner has been there done that! Well, Ol Jimmy Z himself leased this beaut - for some reds and a little "slap n' tickle" from then owner Tina - for a European tour for this mouth breathing band...hmmm, escapes me now. But they had spunk....and there's probably still some stuck to the interior. Shit, by now they probably dropped the whole "power metal" gig and are making double bass pedal tinged MOR shit. Caveat - make sure your bass player makes separate travel arrangements....some bands have found this out the hard way...cough Metallica cough.
Look shithead, you have to put the horse before the cart. Sure, we'd all like to get our hands on a "Magical Defibrillator" and revive our own personal comatose Led Zeppelin bassist so that we can then proceed to overcharge our numb robotic sleep-drooling stupid fan bases exorbitant ticket prices at venues known for their shitty house sound. Hey, when that happens, you come back to old Spike and I'll point you in the direction a no talent gold diggin' bird of a punk rocker you can steal away from a middle class alcoholic east bay teenie boppin' axe legend. You and me both buddy...anyway, save yourself some heartache! Before we tour the Eastern Block, a place known for murderous border guards and some rippin' biscuit, lets just concentrate on gettin' your goldbrickin' ass to Bakersfield so you can play and I can get my head "cleaned" and my 79% cut.
If interested, meet me here at Tio Snoopy Jr's Taco Hut:
You give me the money and I'll take you over to the Van and hotwire it for you...I seemed to have misplaced the keys. Wear black!
If you show up and don't have the cash or the score...you end up here:
visit Totally Fuzzy
No comments:
Post a Comment