"Freelance Photographer"...OF MY ASSHOLES!

Los Angeles is a cesspool. Don't believe me? Look at these hipster fucks! Well blow my starfish, everyone is influenced by punk, and yet, everyone is so predictably safe. Where's my patron n piss shooter? Ew...Spikester, don't hurt 'em. Well, fuck you I'm a freelance photographer and my upper middle class stock broker parents have the Apple Store receipts to prove it.

The unedited versions of my photos in The Shit Deli.

MGMT Album Leaked.....Please Flush!

http://www.whoismgmt.com/

Whole album is streamed

AND IT BLOWS HIPSTER DICK (unwashed, cheesy with a strong brine taste)



"MGMT is ___________."

Chapter 34: Cover Art aka Page of Scribbled Shit n' Piss

Gather around young children, let Uncle Spike tell you about cover art. Cover Art can make or break you, and since your wayward junkie uncle has the attention span of a Tenderloin Hooker looking for a good time...here is the long and short of it...see kids that's a cliche but we'll save that for our "I'm a victimized gold card yuppie urban poet and I play no instruments" workshop.

Ok, hipster dipshit, I'm going to take two bands with the same name and point out the do's and don'ts.

Here is an example of shitty boner curdling artwork.



Lets see, a band who hails by Hammerhead because what is more extreme than a stupid re-tard looking shark that has a habit of being bludgeoned to death by happy dolphins. Ok, I see a dune buggy...because we can't exclude the douchebag motorcross market...I see a football helmet...because if there's one sport a band from England loves it is American Football. Fucking stupid but smart since surburban droids from Detroit are the only ones buying this, Faygo, and the Insane Clown Posse box set. Lastly, looking at this manly artwork, I've inferred that the title of the album should read, "Will To Survive...Violent Crenshaw Buttstabbing". Listen metaldicks, if you're going to be a band obsessed with death and war and drop tuning your instruments...I'm going to show you how its done.

If you're going to be metal then you better do it right asshole. Here is an example....



1. Name your band "Fucking" and your first album better be titled "Metal". Consider yourself a poser.

Moving on.....


Here is an example of good or indifferent artwork. Same name, different band. American, Fuck yeah!



Kids, notice the brain puzzling artwork on this EP. The redheaded stepchild with the old timey vacuum bulbs and B movie font makes you think...its a surf band...its a, its a garage band...its Perry Cuomo's Bastard Child...hmm, what the fuck is this band. Answer, hand over $55.99 to some anglophile on ebay and you'll find out its the best thing you've never heard. The artwork kinda sucks but who cares, at least it doesn't remind you of an ill-fated shower party.


Want some musics?
Lucid Media has a few albums up by this band. Noise Rock!
Hammerhead - Into the Vortex Lp
Hammerhead - Duh, The Big City Lp

Chapter 11: Take it on the Fuckin' Road, On Your Own Dime

Tina & the Piss Artists Tour Van for Sale.
$600 & a needle of skag or obo + my 50% Cut (Finder's Fee)...I'm jones'n.



CarFax Report:
1969 Shit Van w/ Convert LX Shell - Vin: 27OD77RCK69MNNN

• Does Not Qualify for CARFAX Buyback Guarantee
  
• Twenty Seven-owner vehicle
• Collision Repair Facility record indicating multiple car/engine fires
• Salvage and rebuilt, no titles issued, illegal in Florida
• No Muffler
• Certified Mobile Flop House
• Deluxe Model, comes with piss washing hobo
• Warranty voided
• Sophomore Slump Package Available
• FEMA Flood advisory
• Manufacturer recall
• One Large Midnight Accident in Dörarp, Sweden.
• Propensity to kill the most talented musician in your band: i.e. your bassist
• Warning: Modified Dodge Ram Van w/ Camper
  

Thinking of taking your shitty no-talent "Indie/Folk/Americana" clone band out on tour? Well, listen up wastoids, I got a cherry money pit up for grabs. I can't tell you how many tours, blowjobs, botched felchjobs, and colostomy bags this money sucker has seen. Oh wait, almost forgot the biggest selling point. Back in the early 80's, when I was the thrash/speed slop-styled guitarist for Nutwrench..ever heard of them...didn't think so poser, I hid this major payload, a sweet deal I worked out with a Columbian national and a three armed nitro fueled porno store janitor named Lenny in Wabash, in the back camper. Anyway, here's the rub, I was kicked out of the band at a gas station in Tacoma. So, I already ransacked the van yesterday and shit, I couldn't find it. If you can its yours.

Ooooooohooooooohoooo, you want to tour Europe, the Scandinavian terrain? Well, shit I almost forgot to tell you, this oil burner has been there done that! Well, Ol Jimmy Z himself leased this beaut - for some reds and a little "slap n' tickle" from then owner Tina - for a European tour for this mouth breathing band...hmmm, escapes me now. But they had spunk....and there's probably still some stuck to the interior. Shit, by now they probably dropped the whole "power metal" gig and are making double bass pedal tinged MOR shit. Caveat - make sure your bass player makes separate travel arrangements....some bands have found this out the hard way...cough Metallica cough.

Look shithead, you have to put the horse before the cart. Sure, we'd all like to get our hands on a "Magical Defibrillator" and revive our own personal comatose Led Zeppelin bassist so that we can then proceed to overcharge our numb robotic sleep-drooling stupid fan bases exorbitant ticket prices at venues known for their shitty house sound. Hey, when that happens, you come back to old Spike and I'll point you in the direction a no talent gold diggin' bird of a punk rocker you can steal away from a middle class alcoholic east bay teenie boppin' axe legend. You and me both buddy...anyway, save yourself some heartache! Before we tour the Eastern Block, a place known for murderous border guards and some rippin' biscuit, lets just concentrate on gettin' your goldbrickin' ass to Bakersfield so you can play and I can get my head "cleaned" and my 79% cut.


If interested, meet me here at Tio Snoopy Jr's Taco Hut:



You give me the money and I'll take you over to the Van and hotwire it for you...I seemed to have misplaced the keys. Wear black!

If you show up and don't have the cash or the score...you end up here:

Coke Nap Records Release - Give us your money!

"Quit your yammerin' you fucks, Spikes about to open his trench coat of goods and shower some sweet rain over your submissive cherry bottom! Last night, while I was dangling my good leg over the Santa Monica Pier after another fight with South Bay Mud, I said to myself, "Spike, LA needs an enema...a rock and roll filled colonic"! So Spike knew exactly where to find some talent on the quick, good ole 6th and Spring. Apparently, I showed up 5 minutes after 8 and the pigs had already shut my talent show down. So I did the next best thing, I knocked on some tents at 1st and Main and rustled out 3 fuckers assbumping gold flake and a part-time PowerDom out of the LAXXpress..."

Coke Nap Records Presents

Three Douches / Captain Jizzbeard Split EP




Side A - Three Douches
1. "Spike Anderson's Needle Supply"
2. "Docks After Dark"
3. "Smells like Pepperdine Dropouts"



Side B - Captain Jizzbeard
1. "Snuff Films & Wine Coolers"
2. "Sex President"


....But Spike, "where can I buy the slab, where can I score something that looks white..." Same place as always, out of some guys van in the Smell parking lot (usually guarded by a vagrant) or a flop house near you. Now fuck off Ne'er do Wells