The Spike Anderson Guide to Breaking Down and Just Hiring a Hooker

So you're unlucky with the women? And you listen to Jethro Tull records all day, paint model airplanes, and then secretly huff the airplane glue when your mom goes to goes shopping? Want to steal a bit of the Spike Anderson charm that's worked so well on legions of hookers, valley trash, and that one lazy-eyed concert promoter I met at the Smell that one time? Well get fucked! Do I look like I care? No. I. fucking. don't.

...except that it's been brought to my attention that the Billy Corgan-looking fuck who wrote the life story of Vince Neil's coke habit wrote a dating advice book and made a boatload of cash, so I figured I should take my own coke-fuelled shot at it.
that Billy Corgan-looking fuck


Here's a sneak preview:
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Chapter 1 - So you play in a band that everyone hates called Lloyd London

You know sometimes I miss the good old days of tripping the person you like, or running over their cat and blaming that guy they were hitting on at the gym. Not that I ever would. I love animals! I'd just run over the douchebag from the gym. Not that I ever would. I'd pay some trucker a couple of uppers to run him over. Classy.

People seem to have a really hard time starting conversations with strangers. Girls think guys should do it, but all men are really bad at it. It's mass hysteria. It's like a fucking conspiracy or something, jesus! Anyway, there are so many creative ways to start one, none of which involve mentioning your half-way decent keyboard chops or your ability to clear out a venue in record time. I have many, some I will share, the rest I will save for when I feel like boning your mom.

1. You say, "Hey it was good to meet you last week, It's good to see you around again." This is always followed by her "who the fuck are you?" so you shoot back "...yup, still a bitch" I guess this conversation probably won't go anywhere but hey, can't save them all, Hasslehoff.

2. Don't buy her a drink and say it's from you. Buy her a drink and tell the waiter to mention it's from the ugliest guy in the bar sitting in the corner leering at all the women. They will most definitely make eye contact with him, out of morbid curiosity. He will see this, he will pounce, you will save. Sex will ensue so you better save up for those child support payments.

3. Go to the bar with a mustache, pay a girl a compliment and ask her if she likes your mustache. She will probably say no. That's when you shave the thing off in the bathroom. Come back out and she'll be speechless. Or she'll taser you in the balls.

4. How about maybe grow some balls, walk up, say hi. Offer your name, or your friends name...just don't forget to use the roofies. Also, Don't touch her boob, don't look at her boobs. I know, it's like the sun, how can something that spectacular NOT be stared at? But you can't. You will burn your eyes out. Speaking of burning, try not to mention that you have syphillis.
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I have more wisdoms to fill your tiny lizard brains with, but if I tell all of them half the women I've porked in Vallejo last year will recognize me and try the old child support cash grab...or as I like to call it, the Lake Elsinore Shuffle.