Business Plan Stage 3, Part II - The Aftermath

Gather around and listen, fuckos. I have a story to tell.

As you might imagine, I black out a lot from the crack/uppers/Thunderbird wine I pound constantly. It's a high price to pay for being the greatest manager in the history of your fucking life, but it gets the job done and so do I.

So when I finally came to in the library's book return I found out that while I was high on special K and my own sense of superiority, I placed an ad on Craigslist.
My house

Shit bands have been flooding my email inbox ever since, so I feel like I need to do a public service and tell them to fucking go home and never touch another guitar again.

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From: foulballrecords@netzero.net (foulballrecords@netzero.net)
Subject: I ND A MANAGER‏

WHAT IT DO TTHIS YA BOY KARIMINALwitSTYLE I SAW YA AD ON CRAIGSLIST I GOT MY SHIT TOGHETEHER JUS ND SM REPRESENTATION YA KNO I GOT A MYSPACE IT AINT GREAT N SHIT YET BUT I GOT A SINGLE ON THERE I RELEASED LAST YEAR IM TRYN TO BLOW IT UP HOLLA AND IM DOIN SHOWZ BUT IND TO GIT PAID CONTACT 323 802-5473 KARIMINAL

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Spike sez: "FINALLY I MEET SUM1 WHO ENJOYZ THA TAYSTE OF METH MORE THEN I DU. HOLLA."
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From: joe VALDIVIESO (choppersforlife@msn.com)
Subject: THE GENERATOR

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/THEGENERATOR1

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Spike sez: "Sorry, I only go to Ventura for VD and pharmaceutical grade elephant tranquilizer. Also, I think I detected a Fernandes Starter Pack...dump that shit and buy a real guitar.Come back when you have a drug problem. Capiche?!"
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From: JONNY EP (jonnyepradio@gmail.com)
Subject: Manage ECHOrobot?

Want to manage us? Check us out at myspace.com/ECHOrobot. Thank you for your time!
Jonny Perez

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Spike sez: "Fuck Yeah, now this shit is the real thing. Loved the song about washing your hands with Andrew Jackson and the shit coming from hookers mouths. Now go grab the master tapes, mix the tracks down real low, slap it on a CDr and give me all your monkey dust!"
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From: DUCHETTA@aol.com
Subject: Need a Manager? Tired of Playing Shows to an Empty Room? (The Bathroom of the R‏

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/muc/1583693520.html
I play Latin/Jazz any ''room'' for us?... or?? Please let me know .Thanks (no rock)

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Spike sez: "No comprendo espanish si no me manejas al Dario's PCP labratorio, no puedo buscar por un Mariachi acid jazz bar. No rock? You fuck!"
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From: Evita Carrasco (evitalc31@sbcglobal.net)
Subject: RE:Need a Manager? Tired of Playing Shows to an Empty Room? (The Bathroom of the Red Rock on Sunset)‏

Is this a real ad??? If it is please go to www.myspace.com/evitafreaks

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Spike sez: "As real as any ad from a guy who claims to live in the bathroom of the Red Rock on Sunset. BTW your band belong to eunuch. Fuck you!"
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From: Magen Melancholy (magenmelancholy@gmail.com)
Subject: RE:Need a Manager? Tired of Playing Shows to an Empty Room?

Hello,

Though I could really use a manager I am inquiring for my friend. He’s an INCREDIBLY talented artist however, music is about the only thing he’s good for. He lacks complete motivation to do much of anything; even play guitar. He also lacks the knowledge and skill. I don’t blame him cos’ all he should really focus on is his music, which is why I have started searching for some options. He’s unmanageable. But so insanely talented I cant bear to see this amazing music go unheard. HELP.



From: Magen Melancholy (magenmelancholy@gmail.com)
Subject: Ooops

It sounds like I said he lacks the knowledge and skill of playing guitar. That’s not true. I meant to say that’s about the only thing hes good at. Anything else? Useless. I’d say he’s like a modern day Bob Dylan with some crunk punk in the mix.


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Spike sez: "It sounds like you said he lacks the knowledge to quit dicking around and get a job scrubbing toilets at the Pizza Hut in El Segundo. I'd say he's like a modern day G.G. Allin except without the fans, personality, rap sheet, or obsession with feces. If the only thing he's good at is something you describe as "crunk punk", you might as well hand him the box cutter and My Chemical Romance albums to inspire him to bleed out in kiddie pool on his front lawn. Goodbye cruel world, hello giant pile of Columbia's finest in the sky.
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