Hornin' In On My Action

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up at the crack of 3 PM in Forest Lawn covered in dried vomit and cheetos dust after some of the trailer trash spawn from the neighborhood started poking me with a dirty stick. So I did what any self-respecting skag merchant with a jones for cheap beer and shitty music would do: I hit the strip. Of course, one of my many stops along the way was the West Hollywood library where I tried to sneak in some quality time at hipsterdwarfpornandbikerfrottage.com. Instead I stumbled across some lazy scum-fucks from Laurel Canyon trying to parlay their jobs writing ad copy for Tampax into a spot in the LA zine arena -- Buddyhead.com

Slagging off bands on the internet is MY gig, you fucks! Once my lawyer gets out of that Columbian prison you'll be carving off a percentage to help the Spikester afford his appetite for heroin-soaked grapes and items from the Arby's dumpster menu.

Check out these posers:

http://www.buddyhead.com/buddyhead-newsgossip-%E2%80%93-06222009/

here's the article:

Chad “Horseface” Kroeger from Nickelback is being sued for assaulting a heckler outside a bar in Vancouver, BC. (http://www.chartattack.com/news/69225/chad-kroeger-sued-for-assaulting-heckler) Personally, I don’t see how telling Chad Kroeger that Nickelback sucks could be considered heckling any more than telling Clint Eastwood he was in Dirty Harry or telling shit it stinks. It’s just stating a commonly known fact. But I guess Chad didn’t want to respect the dude’s First Amendment rights (or whatever their weird Canadian version is called), so he pulled a Scott Stapp and punched the observant furniture salesman right in the face. The ass-kickee, Noah Christian Morse, is claiming he suffered “suffered a concussion or brain injury involving a loss of consciousness, dental injuries and discolouration, permanent scars to his face, headaches, sleeplessness, anxiety, moodiness and loss of concentration.” Yeah, I’d be pretty fucking moody too if I got owned by the lead singer of Nickelback in front of my friends. It’s not all bad news for Chad, though. Looks like he’ll finally be back on the open road again after getting sidelined by a DUI last year. You know, because what the world really needs right now is another dork in a mullet cruising around in a tacky-ass Lamborghini.

Did you ever ask yourself what would have happened if whoever dropped the mutagen in the sewer and created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles missed the turtles and hit a group of turds that were floating around instead? Well, it DID happen and the freakish results of that accident started this band. They’re called Hollywood Undead and, needless to say, when we saw this video our jaws dropped right through the floor and are tunneling their way towards China as we speak. We would have just embedded the video except Hollywood Undead apparently asked for the embed links to be removed from youtube. Slick move pussies, I guess even you realized how bad everyone with computer access was gonna go to town on you when you put this shit out. How could this happen? Did the dudes from Brokencyde get impregnated by Slipknot, Junior-style and squeeze out these abominations, masks already on? Pretty positive Randy Rhodes has been doing helicopters in his grave ever since this public service announcement for why abortions should remain legal used his signature guitar riff in that beat. Things are getting worse all the time, kids. If you guys need us, we’ll be on top of the Hollywood sign with sniper rifles.

So Travis Barker almost died in a plane crash earlier this year. Since the crash all three members of Blink 182 have grown closer and have really come to realize that if one of them dies in a freak plane accident, that there’s no way All Tomorrow’s Parties is gonna ask them to reform and play “Dude Ranch” in it’s entirety! The blow the art community would suffer from the lose of just one member of Blink 182 would huge! So with that in his mind, Guitarist/douchebag Tom DeLonge had this to say about the new Blink 182 song (they’re making a new song, by the way):

“It’s got a little bit of (Pink) Floyd, a little bit of Rush, a little bit of Blink in there. It’s crazy, but it somehow sounds exactly like where we left off (in 2005). It’s an amazing song.”

Yeah, it’s funny you mention Pink Floyd, Tom, because I was just listening to “Dark Side Of The Moon” last night and couldn’t help but notice all the striking similarities it had to “Take Off Your Pants And Jacket” (though the Blink record syncs up a lot better to “Two Girls One Cup” than The Wizard of Oz). I even had to stop and make sure I put the right CD in. Yeah, we still have cds. Seriously though, there’s not a drug that powerful in the world that could make Blink 182 even vaguely resemble Pink Floyd. Trust us, we’ve tried em. Syd Barrett would be spinning in his grave right now if he weren’t still tripping his face off. Roger’s still alive though, and I’m pretty sure he could beat the shit out of you even though he’s probably in his 80s by now. As for the Rush comparison, well, we already know you sing like a six year old girl, so no surprise there. To be fair, though, I have been taking your words out of context. You know, the context of your head being stuffed all the way up your own colon, as you clearly demonstrate in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB2YLPhceSM&feature=player_embedded

So Courtney Love is “getting Hole back together”. Cept she’s the only original member. Yeah, that’s right, no Eric Erlandson. Some poser named Micko Larkin is playing guitar. Yeah, you got it… basically Courtney Love took ANOTHER idea from Bill Corgan and pulled a Smashing Pumpkin. You sly fox you Courtney. First you get the guy to have sex with you (somehow), then your husband blows his brains out cuz he finds out you’re fucking a weird bald dude, then you get Billy to write your songs for you and now yer cherry pickin’ his “reform the band people liked from the 90s even though the other members fuckin’ hate me” idea. Everyone’s totally gonna fall for that one! Yeah, so now Courtney’s new record “Nobody’s Daughter” is gonna be the fourth Hole LP. Eric, let’s grab some beers dude.. call us. For the record, as much as I don’t wanna admit that Courtney Love news amuses me, whenever she opens her mouth I can’t help but perk up my ears and wait for the explosion! Yeah, I know it’s bad. She’s a really bad person that killed Kurt Cobain one way or another. Her diarrhetic borderline retarded self indulgent rants makes my skin crawl. But as much as I don’t want to admit it, when it comes down to it Courtney is just that car wreck on the side of the 101 to me. No matter what you’re gonna rubberneck the tangled mess of metal and glass. Check out what diarrhea of the mouth sounds like here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrVp7hQ18qc&feature=player_embedded

Remaining on the subject of ladies: ever noticed that when a group of girls pick up instruments and play anything besides pop or some Lilith Faire shit the indie rock press starts furiously jerking off and awarding gold medals like it was the Special Olympics? Well, one band that needs to start thinking of a thank you speech for receiving this musical affirmative action is the consortium of bleeders known as The Vivian Girls. What a treat that band is! Boring songwriting, terrible instrument performances, calculated “lo-fi” recording, shitty vocals hidden under a pile of reverb AND duds that look like hand-me-downs from “Ugly Betty”? Hot Dog! If it looks like shit and sounds like shit it must be good, right? Oh, and it’s all girls? Well, then it must be genius! Actually, we bet if you added a penis or two into the equation, the P-dork rating of this band wouldn’t stay up at 9.015437791AB- or whatever it is now. If we’re gonna keep having to hear about these chicks, can we at least request that the drummer starts hitting the drums a little harder than the Haagen Daaz? Don’t get us wrong, Buddyhead loves the ladies, we just don’t give passes to shitty bands no matter what’s lurking in their jeans.

Paige Hamilton wants to show you how to tune it to Drop D and play a whole song with your index finger. You heard that right, get out Dad’s Discover Card http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.Net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=122177


Someone…ANYONE in the vicinity of Tom Morello, please do the following: 1) slap him really hard across the face, repeatedly – don’t be afraid to work in that back hand either; 2) tie him down to a chair and make him listen to his last 3 musical projects on repeat for a week; and, assuming he even survives #2, 3) make him go house to house throughout the country and apologize for the last decade or so of his life. Yeah, Tommy we saw you on the NINJA Tour with that Chimney Sweeper’s Gentlemen’s Club rap metal band, and by our count, that’s 3 strikes. Actually, let’s be honest, you were tagged out the SECOND that very first Audioslave song leaked out of the Port-a-Potty, so I guess now we’re trying to find out just how many more nails you can possibly put in your coffin? Seriously dude, we needed ANOTHER rap metal band from you about as much as we need someone to invent barbed wired condoms. By the by, where did you find that backing band? Was Avril Lanvinge having a back-up musician sale? Look, we’ll give you this: in 1991 you were in a mostly minority band, playing rap and metal together when the PMRC had a Fatwa out against both genres (and before they became the lamest musical combo ever), with a singer shouting at the LAPD “fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” in Rodney King-era Los Angeles. Rage rebelled in a time and place where it was actually dangerous to do so. 20 years later you’re just a rich dude beating a series of dead horses. Retire. 10 years ago.