Cash Grab of the Week: The Artist Formerly Known as Stupid Fucking Asshole

The early years of Spike Anderson were sweet. By the time I got to third grade I was living large: I had all the underaged women I could stand, a pile of Capri-Sun empties that I fashioned into crackpipes during gym class, a clean sheet of priors, barely any STDs, and a brand new liver to abuse. I wasn't the STD-riddled coke addict we all know and love yet, but I was -- wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Prince.

Anyway, Prince was a big figure for me during the 80's. He taught me that you could be a gay man and still have sex with women. Also, that you can just declare yourself a sex symbol even though you have a mustache that makes you look like a convicted rapist and you're a Jehovah's fucking Witness. How did Prince reconcile his constant sex with his religion? Simple. He beat Miles Davis in the race see who can develop a bigger coke habit and now it's a miracle if he can even remember how to tie his own purple sequined cape, let alone remember all the meaningless laws of his coke-fuelled religious beliefs.

Not even that fat guy who made Jersey Girl can explain his insanity:



It was pretty simple to make pop music in the 1980's: all you needed was a synthesizer, a tape recorder, and a complete lack of taste or subtlety. Someone found the only black guy in Minnesota who had all those things and got him a record deal. Ever since then we've had to listen to shit like "Raspberry Beret" on the radio and just deal with it. And even when he didn't fuck up, he still fucked up: the only decent thing Prince ever did was piss off Al Gore's wife with "Darling Nikki", but that just led to putting parental advisory stickers on shitty John "Cougar" Mellencamp records and giving Ice-T an acting career.

Here's an idea: write a bunch of songs and get really famous. Then when you're at the peak of your fame, convert to a religion that believes that blood transfusions are sinful, the space shuttle is an abomination of god, and that God hangs out in the Pleiades system where we'll all go to live when we die. This way you'll be sure to alienate millions of your fans and squader away everything you spent your life building. Way to go.