BEEFGORE Merch

Hey fuckos, put down the pipe and start saving your CRV deposits....Merch!


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Cash Grab of the Week - Iggy Pop Edition

Rock n Roll is dead! It withered up like a washed up geezer's scrotum - dried, shriveled, lifeless upon a heap of self tanner at a Tampa "Sun Club"! The point is that you have to remember the good times...like in '78 when, mid set, you had to deliver your girlfriend's baby in the dumpster behind CBGB's - you popped that sucker out and sold it fast. Shit, you were even back in time to hear the power get cut on Television's gig - spared shitty art punk wanking by the Rock Gods. Good times.



Or in '84 when you sold your Stones tickets for what you thought was a speedball and then the next day you woke up with dead hookers littered all over your Travel Lodge bathroom in Lancaster. At first you thought "shit, I should have just used my ticket to nod off in my bleacher seat, pay $20 dollars a beer, and watch that fuck Mick Jagger actually work for his scag and coke money by eating a mars bar out of a hooker's snatch." But then you remembered anything goes in Lancaster and realized that you made the right choice. Yep, Rock has given you, well,...great times!

Flash forward to 2010 and Jack Daniels is sponsoring its own music festival. Shit, I use that wash for sobering up and disinfecting lacerations from shank fights with Silverlake drag queens. Weak shit, hey fucko, yeah you! Spike is having his own music festival. Its called Fucko Festival, sponsored by Ether. Now that is a worthy sponsor, that shit will grab you by the balls man! Now, if I could only get insurance, preferably insurance online, I could make a go of this.

Another death knell - Hauled ass down to the Roxy the other day to dropkick the owner for not allowing my powerslop band, Beefgore, to play the battle of the bands and the youth were drinking light beer before the gig. When I was their age I was dropping straight grain and black beauties like mouth wash and tic tacs.

And now Iggy Pop is trying to sell us insurance. Ironic, since the amount of abuse he put on his kidneys would make Stevie Nick's nose blush. That alone would disqualify himself from actual insurance coverage.

The torment of selling out must have been soul crushing - the convo went something like this, "Well Mr. Pop its been 25 years since you were last relevant and your fans are too stupid to actually use a computer and/or too broke to have insurance so we are prepared to offer you some Lo-Carb Red Bull and a Snickers bar for your services and namesake" to which the reply was, "Where do I sign!"

Fuck, rock is DEAD - insured, bloated, smeared with peanut butter, and floating two inches deep next to a shopping cart in the LA river. The epitaph reads, "Just Ride! - brought to you by The Man."

One more thing, Fuck you Iggy!



Oh, and here is the flyer/evidence of the battle of the bands that my band was booted from. Beefgore, voted best LA powerslop band by the LA XXpress and LA Reader - remember the name.

Business Plan Stage 2 - Networking on the Internet

The world of music promotion is changing. No longer will sloppy handjobs in the bathroom of TGI Fridays get you all the contacts and professional medication that you require. Now it's all about the internet, which is great if you own a fucking computer. Fuck, even little Frodo down the street has parlayed his own label, chock full of mp3 'net releases into a new Member's Only jacket and a week's worth of STD free Redondo Beach shower parties! But if you've been banned from the library's internet for emailing death threats to Pitchfork.com and layin' some man plaster inside every single Henry Miller novel the library has, you've got to find your own way. Mine is stealing the internet, stealing a laptop, stealing your secret stash of biscuit powder, and then tagging your mom on my way out.

I've been targeting lonely, desperate, white kids who have no taste. Where's the best place to find these potential Members of Shiloe Coachella Fanbois? An internet dating website. I asked some scene kids who were sitting around outside a No Age concert which site to go to, so they called me a douchebag and threw their empty Pabst tallboys at me. After strangling one of them with my sister's coat hanger, he told me to go to some site called OKCupid.com HERE

So far there haven't been many contacts made, so I've taken to pissing all over everyone's lives on the forums to shake things up. Dig:

===========================

*Posted under Life Advice*

Topic: Spike's Life Advice?

Step 1 - join a band.
Step 2 - adopt a calculated scenester image
Step 3 - hire me as your manager
Step 4 - sell your PA
Step 5 - all you can eat meth crystals


Reply - ovwalateen: why???

Reply - Spike_Anderson: Fuck you, that's why!


==========================

Topic: Meet for a drink not dinner

McKenzieChapman: Meeting for a drink, whether coffee or cocktails, can be a better idea than a dinner date. Sometimes a meal can be too long and awkward where as meeting for a drink or two can be short and possibly extended.

Reply - Spike_Anderson: Fuck that noise, meet for rails of PCP in Culver City after the Darby Crash memorial.

Reply - Dveck: Your hair is noise buddy. get off this website you ass!

Reply - Spike_Anderson: Alright, it seems i've pissed off a Tallahassee redneck. So I'll cut you a deal: I'll leave the website forever if you a) get me a garbage bag full Mendo-county quality kush and b) i'm still not leaving this website you fuck. Go tattoo "Skynard rulez" on your neck or do whatever else greasy Florida funboys do.

==========================

ayumi22:care to chat..?

Spike_Anderson:only if you've got good toot

ayumi22:toot..?

Spike_Anderson:toot, blow...anything white that you can buy for $50 from Sergei at the docks on a Friday night.

Spike_Anderson:so what do you say? I can go down there and knock the dick out of his mouth and have an 8ball in 10, 20 minutes.

ayumi22:by the way im a model

Spike_Anderson:perfect, then you should know where to get all the best charlie, eh?

Spike_Anderson:c'mon, you're on the Hollywood diet plan right?

ayumi22:hhmmmm what are you talking about huni

Spike_Anderson:you use the Jimmy Chamberlain workout system

Spike_Anderson:the Jimi Hendrix meal plan

ayumi22:hhmmm by the way im setting up my cam here in my room right now..

ayumi22:im going to have a free strip show

ayumi22:so wanna watch ,me..?

Spike_Anderson:Strip show? Listen. who's your manager? Jesus Ayala? I know that fuck. Better yet, tell Ayala you work for me now, now get your gold brickin' ass down to the whiskey and work our scam!

Spike_Anderson:Now that Spike is handling your clientelle and I'll only take 30% off the top

Spike_Anderson:but that doesnt include the skag fee, coke napkins, or donkey expenses

ayumi22:well you are too wierd

Spike_Anderson:you're missing out baby. I just got AIDS Blanket top billing in the Mountain High rock festival's parking lot

ayumi22:and so what..?

ayumi22:wanna watch me or not

Spike_Anderson:Alright, so you're playing hard ball. The Spikester'll be your manager for 20% but I still want all the Valley burnouts that you can round up working in my backyard 24/7 on getting the formula right for the atomic cocaine. I'm telling you, it IS real!

aymui22 is not longer available. You message will be delivered to their inbox when they return online.

=============

mischybaby13:hi

Spike_Anderson:goddamn, i'm faded.

Spike_Anderson:I mean hi

mischybaby13:why?>

mischybaby13:where u from?

mischybaby13:and how are u?

Spike_Anderson:What? Huh? Who have you been talking to?

mischybaby13:hai there!1

Spike_Anderson:Shit, this is good space coke. I'm from a lot of places.

Spike_Anderson:a lot of different urine soaked couches

Spike_Anderson:a lot of different basements of grocery stores in Pico.

Spike_Anderson:sometimes the Y if they're not full up. And if that fuck Davo who always tries to steal my coke spoon isn't there. Of course, this is all dependent on if Sergei reaches his snowball quota for the day. BANK!

mischybaby13:ohh i see heh...

Spike_Anderson:Yeah, I beat my meals out of my clients. Namely, fuckwad bands from the valley.

mischybaby13:cool

Spike_Anderson:Spike Anderson, nice to meet ya. Now get fucked and give me my 20% cut. NOW.

mischybaby13:how old are u?

Spike_Anderson:as old as that Creedence LP I snorted my first line off of when I snuck out of the crib.

Spike_Anderson:as old as the first guy who ever told a band "pay to play" and "what the fuck do you mean a dressing room? Change outside fuckface!"

Spike_Anderson:as old as the fist shitty band who ever tried to sneak their way into a venue so they could play a show to an empty house.

mischcybaby13 is not longer available. You message will be delivered to their inbox when they return online.

Billy Bob's Thorton's Band - My New Pet Project

So I've seen the future of music, fuckos, and this is it: Billy Bob Thorton on stage every night glaring at an audience and refusing to play. What I need is someone to represent Meth-Lab-And-Trailer-Park America, and we all know that Ken Ramos already has a band. Now watch this and get ready to start counting the cash:

You can see the stunned look in his eyes; a coked up deer caught in coked up headlights...made of coke.

If that ain't performance art then you must have gone blind diddling yourself to Regina Spektor album covers while you practice trying to look cool in the mirror, pole vaulter. LA now belongs to Billy Bob and his inability to answer simple fucking questions without revealing huge flaws in his personality and/or PCP induced brain damage.

At his next trainwrec--I mean show, I'll be waiting backstage with a fistful of roofies (to make him pliable) and a lifetime contract to Spike Anderson's BugFuck Records. As a signing bonus, I won't knee him in the balls violently until he blacks out and then steal his wallet.

And this is just stage one of my grand business plan. Swallow your last white cross and stay tuned.

Cash Grab of the Week - Tool

Separately they are 4 millionaires who play shows opening for Linkin Park, together they are a band that writes music about freemasonry and their yacht collections. Everything they've done for the past 7 years has been a ploy to fund the church of Scientology and keep children drinking shitty wine that is brewed by homeless people in the back of Maynard's van.

"Why are they sellouts?" you ask. Fuck you, that's why.

Maynard Keenan? Sells wine to nascent Insane Clown Posse fans.
Danny Carey? Solid gold drumset.

Adam Jones? Putting money into L. Ronnie's pockets.
Justin Chancellor? Just joining the band was cash grab enough. All of the free hobo wine and LSD enemas that came with the job was just the icing on the diamond encrusted cake.

To some people, the music they make now is alright. I just hope those people will eventually stop screaming "Maynard!" in public in a vain attempt to get him to show up and sign their photocopy of his birth certificate. He's a guy who wrote a song called "Cuntry Boner," for fuck's sake. He's not some sort of messiah.

The worst thing about Tool is that all these shit bands have copied them, but always in a way that shows that they have no clue what made Tool a decent band to begin with. Examples:

Chevelle (aka Christian Tool)
P.O.D. (aka Another, Much Worse, Christian Tool)
Disturbed (aka Tool for people with brain damage)
Limp Bizkit (aka Douchebag with a backwards hat)
Korn (aka Some junkies from Bakersfield bought a PA system and a distortion pedal)
Godsmack (aka The Heavy Metal Shiloe)
...and so on.

Little known fact, I actually auditioned for Tool once when Adam Jones was sidelined by acute asshole-itis (you know, that disease that makes you tell the press that Tool is "your band" even though all you do is make shitty videos of your sculptures while you're eating meth crystals all day). Anyway, I didn't get the gig. They were worried that I wasn't good enough to be able to tune to drop d and play every song with my index finger. That and I didn't constantly use the wah pedal to cover up my shitty playing.

When someone with an 8 figure bank statement to tells you to question authority, you know they have their head up their ass. Possibly far enough to write a song called "Jambi." Here's some of the lyrics:

'Here from the king's mountain view;
Here from the wild dream come true -
Feast like a sultan, I do,
On treasures and flesh, never few.'

Snorting ketamine from a Fun Dip packet and watching the Lord of the Rings DVDs makes for some shitty lyrics. Take my advice: retire, sail to Tahiti, and buy all the under-aged drug mules you can bring back in your luggage.

"Time to trainwreck our own fucking songs..."




So, that's why you don't want people to videotape your concerts...