Cash Grab of the Week - Tool

Separately they are 4 millionaires who play shows opening for Linkin Park, together they are a band that writes music about freemasonry and their yacht collections. Everything they've done for the past 7 years has been a ploy to fund the church of Scientology and keep children drinking shitty wine that is brewed by homeless people in the back of Maynard's van.

"Why are they sellouts?" you ask. Fuck you, that's why.

Maynard Keenan? Sells wine to nascent Insane Clown Posse fans.
Danny Carey? Solid gold drumset.

Adam Jones? Putting money into L. Ronnie's pockets.
Justin Chancellor? Just joining the band was cash grab enough. All of the free hobo wine and LSD enemas that came with the job was just the icing on the diamond encrusted cake.

To some people, the music they make now is alright. I just hope those people will eventually stop screaming "Maynard!" in public in a vain attempt to get him to show up and sign their photocopy of his birth certificate. He's a guy who wrote a song called "Cuntry Boner," for fuck's sake. He's not some sort of messiah.

The worst thing about Tool is that all these shit bands have copied them, but always in a way that shows that they have no clue what made Tool a decent band to begin with. Examples:

Chevelle (aka Christian Tool)
P.O.D. (aka Another, Much Worse, Christian Tool)
Disturbed (aka Tool for people with brain damage)
Limp Bizkit (aka Douchebag with a backwards hat)
Korn (aka Some junkies from Bakersfield bought a PA system and a distortion pedal)
Godsmack (aka The Heavy Metal Shiloe)
...and so on.

Little known fact, I actually auditioned for Tool once when Adam Jones was sidelined by acute asshole-itis (you know, that disease that makes you tell the press that Tool is "your band" even though all you do is make shitty videos of your sculptures while you're eating meth crystals all day). Anyway, I didn't get the gig. They were worried that I wasn't good enough to be able to tune to drop d and play every song with my index finger. That and I didn't constantly use the wah pedal to cover up my shitty playing.

When someone with an 8 figure bank statement to tells you to question authority, you know they have their head up their ass. Possibly far enough to write a song called "Jambi." Here's some of the lyrics:

'Here from the king's mountain view;
Here from the wild dream come true -
Feast like a sultan, I do,
On treasures and flesh, never few.'

Snorting ketamine from a Fun Dip packet and watching the Lord of the Rings DVDs makes for some shitty lyrics. Take my advice: retire, sail to Tahiti, and buy all the under-aged drug mules you can bring back in your luggage.

"Time to trainwreck our own fucking songs..."




So, that's why you don't want people to videotape your concerts...