Booking Your Own Goddamned Gigs: Killing Time Until the lnevitable 12 Gauge Buffet

Unlike the art of cooking up over a $10 camping stove on the street without getting caught, booking gigs is an art form that few have mastered. There's an obvious reason why: bookers really don't want to be found by you because you and your band are like a cancer on your local music scene. Booking you is a sure way for any bar to lose money, reputation, or celebratory after-gig rails off the monitors. Some people still don't know that they're shit, so I felt obligated to offer my unwanted advice free of charge all over their facebook event page: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=161145733911192&v=wall&story_fbid=163643150328117

When these guys wake up in about 2 hours and see that I've pissed the truth about their gig all over their fuck page, they're probably not going to be too happy. They'll probably panic and delete everything to keep the 1 person who actually will show up from canceling. So to preserve my beautiful, hallucinatory wisdom I offer you a transcript:

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(Note: Radio City New Island Rock had just given me admin powers of their event page for absolutely no reason.)

Spike: Holy shit, I'm an administrator? Can I abuse my powers to ban you all to a life of dinner show gigs at Uncle Charlie's Saigon Hepatitis Hut? You go on at 3. AM or PM, it doesn't really matter either way.

Them: We had no idea what powers we were bestowing you. I suppose If that's the place were Harrison Ford gets his tacos, then yes... Gig get's kicked off at 9

Spike: So your real gig starts at 9? Either there are no other bands desperate enough to play that taco hut you call a venue or your manager is a booker BJ machine. I'm putting my money on the first one...

(no reply)

Spike: I see that this venue also likes to randomly charge people admission for shows that no one would see even if they were being paid to go to them. Are you sure this place is in Witchita and not LA?!? http://www.myspace.com/thesecretastronauts/photos/23398983

(no reply)

Spike: Also, I don't know of many venues worth playing where the bookers post their phone numbers right on their myspace. The smell of desperation (and cooking heroin) is in the air...

Here's their shitty venue: http://www.myspace.com/rockislandli...veict
and here's the Relax Bar in LA (a shitty venue, but not as bad as fucking Dante's Pizzeria and Venue here): http://www.myspace.com/relaxbar

Notice the lack of booker's phone number?? It's because they don't want people flooding them 24 hours a day with word of their latest EP and/or meth acquisition. So let's face it, you've booked a shitty gig--what else is new? Just try to make the best of it and get all the free alcohol poisoning that you can before the bloat sinks in and your pasty body is found by a jogger behind the Smell.

(still no reply)

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[ By the way, here's a list of venues and their webpages to prove my point ]

Reality is cruel. Venues are run by idiots who hate music, The members of Shiloe still roam the earth, Passion Pit's "NAMBLA Patrol" tour still rolls on as they haven't hit a patch of black ice and Cliff Burton'd in their tour van, and the piss cup that was thrown at MGMT turned out to be a cup of stale Manchester ale. ALE?!? Goddamnit, I've lost my faith in everything now...

What more do I need to say? You don't stand a fucking chance of getting an audience to your gigs no matter what you do on stage. THE END.