Jerry's Deli, They'll Fucking Give you Hepititis.

These are the times that try men's souls...good thing I don't have one....what with all the forced penetration, urine hoarding, and he-she rendezvous. But times are lean and I've resorted to snorting the last traces of Ludmila's personal stash of smuggled butt hash off of my limp johnson. Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm married...or was married...yeah, she's Russian, she's called Ludmila, and she came in the mail.

Ludmilla, the busted cherry of my eye.

It's amazing what an Eastern Bloc chick will do when you give her some back alley dental work and an Iron Maiden mix tape. Shhh.....its not really Iron Maiden - just some shit grind band from Pico Rivera. But yeah, I traded her to Sergie for a handful of raver drugs but that shit only lasted the bus ride to the blood bank. No complaints, I got 10 bucks for some plasma and a full release from all the needle play in the lobby. But that only got me as far as the liquor store for a bottle of Cobra.

But, back to my point....actually I don't have a point..well besides the one I used to bust some trust-fund cherries in the Amoeba Records parking structure. Yep, I hate to admit it but I had to get a job. Wait, no...a real job...one that doesn't involve exploiting your band & your trust fund or blowing CEO's in the back alley behind Tribal Cafe. So naturally I applied to the first and ONLY roach infested restaurant that would let me bathe in their kitchen sink and give a skag-haggler like me a job - fuckin' Jerry's Deli. You know, its amazing what Javier, the head "chef", will let you do in the meat freezer for a tube sock and a half full can of spray paint. FUCKING SANDWICHES!!1 I don't know what got into me. There I was - Shitloe started playing on KXLU, I had just slammed a fist full of Fontana biker dope, and I found myself geeking out over the pig meat. My shit-fondling boss was yapping about the finer points of prosciutto and how it's not safe to cook pcp by the propane tanks and next thing I know I'm involved in some sweet horizontal action with the ciabatta rolls. The mustard ended up down my pants and I deposited whats left of my sperm count on the pastrami.

I must have passed out because the next thing I know I woke up next to a poodle carcass in a Norm's dumpster. Anyway, long story short...if you ate or touched anything...and I stress ANYTHING from Jerry's Deli in Westwood, congratulations....you have a nasty skid row leper strain of Hepatitis. Its not Hep C so it'll only destroy your craving for one of Jerry's dumpster reserve sandwiches, not your liver.

Wanna Get High? Take 15 hits of this mp3 I just downloaded, bro

Okay, seriously. Stop racking out that last line on your mom's makeup mirror, turn off the heroin-stove you use for cooking your Carnation Injectable Breakfast,

and don't forget to cancel your job interview with Tugjobs R' Us to finance those two other habits. You don't need any of that shit any more! Just throw it all into a large bag with the word "Spike" written on it, and leave it next to the Talking Stick in Venice. There's something new, and whatever dickbag decided to name it didn't have an ounce of creativity in his fuckbrained skull -- it's called iDosing.

Wait, is that for reals?! That's gotta be faker than Shiloe's statement that they were "signed" to a record label. Let me check the website again...no, it's still real. It still exists. Rednecks in Oklahoma are still talking about iDosing after school in Tito's Fuck Lounge.

So what is iDosing? It's when the internet gets you high, man! According to an unverified source who enjoys writing bullshit and posting it in the science section of an unreliable's newspaper's website, "A person can iDose by simply finding a dark room, slipping on the headphones and sitting motionless, listening to repetitive, atonal tracks, and the time it takes to achieve any transcendental state is entirely up to the user." Hey waitaminute...that sounds familiar. I think I saw some Buddhist monks iDosing on TV yesterday. Shit! Those fuckers have been dealing the entire time and the DEA are just sitting on their dicks waiting for our kids to get hooked. I don't even want to think about how Grooveshark is passing out free samples to all the kids. Jesus, it's like the goddamned Havana Skag Conference over here!

So what's so bad about meditating iDosing? "An analysis done on the dangers of iDosing has shown that while the practice itself is mostly harmless, there's a chance of it leading to more harmful addictions." Yeah, you could get addicted to breathing. Shit, you breathe a lot and you'll PASS OUT. No lie. I had a real bad breathing habit for the last...shit...46 years of my life!

This just goes to show you that there's evil drugs everywhere, even the internet. ESPECIALLY the internet. Hey, maybe now that we create--err, "discovered" this threat to our kids safety, we can get the government to pass a law saying that we can restrict the internet just to certain people. You know, to keep the goddamned kids from listening to their goddamned mp3 coke. And while we're at it, we make a law that keeps poor people off of it, too. Hey, why not? When you're fear-mongering to keep people distracted from reality, you can't resist slipping some laws in that will take people's rights from them. I know, let's make it so only corporations and rich people can use the internet, because really they're the only people who deserve it. Right?!

Fuck it, I don't care about politics or getting "serviced" behind the Tujunga car wash any more. I'm just gonna put on these headphones and trip out on some idiot's attempt to get rich e-drugs.



I think I'm almost starting to feel like I might be getting pretend high!