Wanna Get High? Take 15 hits of this mp3 I just downloaded, bro

Okay, seriously. Stop racking out that last line on your mom's makeup mirror, turn off the heroin-stove you use for cooking your Carnation Injectable Breakfast,

and don't forget to cancel your job interview with Tugjobs R' Us to finance those two other habits. You don't need any of that shit any more! Just throw it all into a large bag with the word "Spike" written on it, and leave it next to the Talking Stick in Venice. There's something new, and whatever dickbag decided to name it didn't have an ounce of creativity in his fuckbrained skull -- it's called iDosing.

Wait, is that for reals?! That's gotta be faker than Shiloe's statement that they were "signed" to a record label. Let me check the website again...no, it's still real. It still exists. Rednecks in Oklahoma are still talking about iDosing after school in Tito's Fuck Lounge.

So what is iDosing? It's when the internet gets you high, man! According to an unverified source who enjoys writing bullshit and posting it in the science section of an unreliable's newspaper's website, "A person can iDose by simply finding a dark room, slipping on the headphones and sitting motionless, listening to repetitive, atonal tracks, and the time it takes to achieve any transcendental state is entirely up to the user." Hey waitaminute...that sounds familiar. I think I saw some Buddhist monks iDosing on TV yesterday. Shit! Those fuckers have been dealing the entire time and the DEA are just sitting on their dicks waiting for our kids to get hooked. I don't even want to think about how Grooveshark is passing out free samples to all the kids. Jesus, it's like the goddamned Havana Skag Conference over here!

So what's so bad about meditating iDosing? "An analysis done on the dangers of iDosing has shown that while the practice itself is mostly harmless, there's a chance of it leading to more harmful addictions." Yeah, you could get addicted to breathing. Shit, you breathe a lot and you'll PASS OUT. No lie. I had a real bad breathing habit for the last...shit...46 years of my life!

This just goes to show you that there's evil drugs everywhere, even the internet. ESPECIALLY the internet. Hey, maybe now that we create--err, "discovered" this threat to our kids safety, we can get the government to pass a law saying that we can restrict the internet just to certain people. You know, to keep the goddamned kids from listening to their goddamned mp3 coke. And while we're at it, we make a law that keeps poor people off of it, too. Hey, why not? When you're fear-mongering to keep people distracted from reality, you can't resist slipping some laws in that will take people's rights from them. I know, let's make it so only corporations and rich people can use the internet, because really they're the only people who deserve it. Right?!

Fuck it, I don't care about politics or getting "serviced" behind the Tujunga car wash any more. I'm just gonna put on these headphones and trip out on some idiot's attempt to get rich e-drugs.



I think I'm almost starting to feel like I might be getting pretend high!