Jerry's Deli, They'll Fucking Give you Hepititis.

These are the times that try men's souls...good thing I don't have one....what with all the forced penetration, urine hoarding, and he-she rendezvous. But times are lean and I've resorted to snorting the last traces of Ludmila's personal stash of smuggled butt hash off of my limp johnson. Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm married...or was married...yeah, she's Russian, she's called Ludmila, and she came in the mail.

Ludmilla, the busted cherry of my eye.

It's amazing what an Eastern Bloc chick will do when you give her some back alley dental work and an Iron Maiden mix tape. Shhh.....its not really Iron Maiden - just some shit grind band from Pico Rivera. But yeah, I traded her to Sergie for a handful of raver drugs but that shit only lasted the bus ride to the blood bank. No complaints, I got 10 bucks for some plasma and a full release from all the needle play in the lobby. But that only got me as far as the liquor store for a bottle of Cobra.

But, back to my point....actually I don't have a point..well besides the one I used to bust some trust-fund cherries in the Amoeba Records parking structure. Yep, I hate to admit it but I had to get a job. Wait, no...a real job...one that doesn't involve exploiting your band & your trust fund or blowing CEO's in the back alley behind Tribal Cafe. So naturally I applied to the first and ONLY roach infested restaurant that would let me bathe in their kitchen sink and give a skag-haggler like me a job - fuckin' Jerry's Deli. You know, its amazing what Javier, the head "chef", will let you do in the meat freezer for a tube sock and a half full can of spray paint. FUCKING SANDWICHES!!1 I don't know what got into me. There I was - Shitloe started playing on KXLU, I had just slammed a fist full of Fontana biker dope, and I found myself geeking out over the pig meat. My shit-fondling boss was yapping about the finer points of prosciutto and how it's not safe to cook pcp by the propane tanks and next thing I know I'm involved in some sweet horizontal action with the ciabatta rolls. The mustard ended up down my pants and I deposited whats left of my sperm count on the pastrami.

I must have passed out because the next thing I know I woke up next to a poodle carcass in a Norm's dumpster. Anyway, long story short...if you ate or touched anything...and I stress ANYTHING from Jerry's Deli in Westwood, congratulations....you have a nasty skid row leper strain of Hepatitis. Its not Hep C so it'll only destroy your craving for one of Jerry's dumpster reserve sandwiches, not your liver.

No Peace Until the Stars Run Cold

Dreams. We all have them. Some dreams, like yours, are fucking worthless. Mine are like diamonds. Or, you know, a brick of uncut skag or something.

One dream that I never had was to become a political advisor. Still, I can't help but try sometimes when I meet a candidate like Mitt Romney or Wink Hartman (R-KS). Wink...now there's a bold human being. Bolder than bold. Bolder than the fact that I'm using the word "bold" even though I have no idea what it means in this context. Motherfucking Shit Ass BOLD.

Anyway, Wink Hartman is a worthless bastard because he refuses to accept my campaign slogan suggestions. Here's a taste of the pure fucking gold that has been pouring out of the Facebook account that Wink has still been unable to block:

- Wink Hartman--finally a congressman who can describe the taste of human brains in real detail!

-Wink Hartman: Tough man, gentle raping.

- Wink helps dealers in the community by buying 20 lbs of pure smack every day, all to support the local street economy. No other candidate cares about stemming the currently ballooning heroin exchange rate (and speaking of heroin and balloons, Wink makes a great drug mule). Finally a candidate that addresses the issues YOU care about!

- Wink Hartman: Recently cleared of ALL 28 counts of human slavery and trafficking.

- Kennel the elderly! Join Wink Hartman!

- Vote for Wink Hartman--Because we're all doomed anyway. Might as well hassle the Mexicans a bit before we go, eh?

- Stay on the Anti-Christ's good side: Vote Wink Hartman for Congress in 2010.