Jerry's Deli, They'll Fucking Give you Hepititis.

These are the times that try men's souls...good thing I don't have one....what with all the forced penetration, urine hoarding, and he-she rendezvous. But times are lean and I've resorted to snorting the last traces of Ludmila's personal stash of smuggled butt hash off of my limp johnson. Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm married...or was married...yeah, she's Russian, she's called Ludmila, and she came in the mail.

Ludmilla, the busted cherry of my eye.

It's amazing what an Eastern Bloc chick will do when you give her some back alley dental work and an Iron Maiden mix tape. Shhh.....its not really Iron Maiden - just some shit grind band from Pico Rivera. But yeah, I traded her to Sergie for a handful of raver drugs but that shit only lasted the bus ride to the blood bank. No complaints, I got 10 bucks for some plasma and a full release from all the needle play in the lobby. But that only got me as far as the liquor store for a bottle of Cobra.

But, back to my point....actually I don't have a point..well besides the one I used to bust some trust-fund cherries in the Amoeba Records parking structure. Yep, I hate to admit it but I had to get a job. Wait, no...a real job...one that doesn't involve exploiting your band & your trust fund or blowing CEO's in the back alley behind Tribal Cafe. So naturally I applied to the first and ONLY roach infested restaurant that would let me bathe in their kitchen sink and give a skag-haggler like me a job - fuckin' Jerry's Deli. You know, its amazing what Javier, the head "chef", will let you do in the meat freezer for a tube sock and a half full can of spray paint. FUCKING SANDWICHES!!1 I don't know what got into me. There I was - Shitloe started playing on KXLU, I had just slammed a fist full of Fontana biker dope, and I found myself geeking out over the pig meat. My shit-fondling boss was yapping about the finer points of prosciutto and how it's not safe to cook pcp by the propane tanks and next thing I know I'm involved in some sweet horizontal action with the ciabatta rolls. The mustard ended up down my pants and I deposited whats left of my sperm count on the pastrami.

I must have passed out because the next thing I know I woke up next to a poodle carcass in a Norm's dumpster. Anyway, long story short...if you ate or touched anything...and I stress ANYTHING from Jerry's Deli in Westwood, congratulations....you have a nasty skid row leper strain of Hepatitis. Its not Hep C so it'll only destroy your craving for one of Jerry's dumpster reserve sandwiches, not your liver.

Teabaggers: No Nuts, Not My Problem.

I know what you're askin. What the hell drugs are these Teabaggers ass slammin? Try this experiment. Take grandpa's tumbler and fill it with of Ammonium Nitrate. Now add a AA battery and put it in the microwave and press cook. Now while you're watching your house go up in flames slam an Ether/409/PCP cocktail up your urethra. Feel the burn cause you got the Rand Paul fever.

Which brings me to my point, its time for me to update the list of things teabaggers hate. So far, after a quick glance at the LA XXpress, we've established that the Tea Party hates black people, mexicans, vegetables, craft brew, actual currency, facts, admitting that their teenage daughter is pregnant-barefoot-married to a mexican and or black man, filtering their chain e-mails for racist and furpie content, reality, any gun that isn't fully automatic, school, college, advanced degrees that you earn in college, fluoride, and now women.

Shit, I haven't seen that many middle aged white men attack a woman with a pixie cut since the great Mendocino Snuff Film Festival of '79. I mean fuck, The Earthquake never even got that much velocity on his ass hammer.



And now straight from a black balloon, I'm hearing the man responsible for the "teeth on the curb" thuggery wants an apology from the victim. That takes balls- And in a perfect world, those balls should be whacked off like el gordo swingin' away at his birthday pinata!

Extra! Extra! Idiots Declare Internet and Music Dead! Rest of World Continues to Use Internet, Listen to Music.

Everybody in? Is everybody in? The ceremony bullshit is about to begin.


Vile pissbags Prince and T-Pain have spoken: Music and the internet are over. Now we're going to have to figure out what the fuck to do with ourselves. Drink Brandy/transmission fluid cocktails from a stolen colostomy bag? Feed Tommy Lasorda to the street people of Westwood? Actually get a fucking JOB and work for a living?!?! Jesus christ, can you actually imagine? The horror, the horror. Spike Anderson, toiling under the goddamned sun, picking those goddamned bananas 26 hours a day. No longer bilking the gullible and gutless out of their trust funds...

NO! Wake the fuck up! What kind of rat bastard psychotic would even write something like that?!?

Yeah, the rest of us still use the internet and listen to music (although not all of us are listening to the soundtrack to Glitter like you probably are, jagoff). Seriously, if the right combination of drugs can make a human being actually say something as shit-brained and ridiculous as "the internet is over," can't we figure out the right level of GHB to pump into our leaders to make them say that the War in Iraq is over? Or maybe that the war in Iraq is now going to be fought by only the members of congress and their families. Also, Rush Limbaugh is going to be used as a condom for the rest of his life.

As for music, well, it probably should be over by now. At least it should be for bands who just want to impress hookers and get rich by selling pop-punk bullshit to advertising executives. Well I say go home kids, the shit rock bailout is over. Spike Anderson's Teabagging Party has come to drape its sweaty sac of truth onto your worthless careers. Get fucked, get out, leave my 230% cut in my mailbox behind the Tastee Freeze.

Does that sound too vicious? Fuck off! But I have more to say, so now you should LISTEN, scum.

Is Google in bed with the CIA? No. Fucking...no. Not more than any other corporation or company, at least. Google saves, at most, the terms you search for on its website. That's not necessarily as important as you might think. Searching for something is different than visiting a web page. You can search for "banana bread recipes" and end up following the search results to something completely different (that's how people get away with looking at porn sites at work). On the other hand, ISPs keep all of the REALLY damning information on you (i.e. your name, age, location, at least credit card number, etc.). So if the CIA is in league with anyone, it's the ISPs (most of whom are owned by giant multi-national corporations). So the next time you see someone like M.I.A. say something in the press like "Google and Facebook were developed by the CIA, and when you're on there, you have to know that." then you know they don't actually have any fucking clue what they're talking about. If you don't understand something, you can't make a statement IN THE FUCKING PUBLIC PRESS about it.


MIA's reply:

if the corporations own the government(or the other way around) then doesn't that mean the cia or "government" might have access to your private information....for a price??

That said, maybe I'm wrong and maybe its time we take it to the streets...or I could just continue drinking kentucky moonshine and shooting pigeons.

Oh yeah, and Noam Chomsky. You know, the guy who actually checks his facts:

Freddy Mendoza, Former Zepplin Roadie

Shit, I remember Freddy! He was the guy in the road crew who we would use whenever we needed someone to hide something up their ass. Sept of '68, Zepplin-Cream European tour...he hid 4 bricks of angel dust up his ass and strolled through a checkpoint outside of Milan. Turns out it wasn't a checkpoint, it was just a gas station and the attendant had to hose him down with mace to keep him from biting through the gas pump while he was screaming, "Fuck the French!" Well Freddy blacked out and we never found out what happened to all that PCP, but if this video is any indication it'd be easy to guess...