Here's Some Music Made That Sounds Like It's Made By Mental Patients Raping A Room Full of Instruments

Hey Fuckmops, quit trying to teabag your buddies during band practice and listen to some real music. The greatest band in the history of cocaine has just recorded this shit in the Silverlake YMCA's computer lab in 12 minutes. That's right, a new track from Sexual Hitler. Yeah, you might as well sell your guitar to buy a 12 gauge to put in your mouth for dinner, because you're never gonna be able to compete. Sucker.


Sexual Hitler - Scrotum Buffet



Marty Stevens put together an album, and you'd better lock your doors if you don't want to hear it. That fucker will break in, blast his shitty generic rock on yer jambox, and wake you up at 3 AM. What else is he gonna do when he's speeding and needs to interrupt someone's day to get his kicks?



Marty Stevens - Break, Enter, and Fuck Up Your Day

Freddy Mendoza, Former Zepplin Roadie

Shit, I remember Freddy! He was the guy in the road crew who we would use whenever we needed someone to hide something up their ass. Sept of '68, Zepplin-Cream European tour...he hid 4 bricks of angel dust up his ass and strolled through a checkpoint outside of Milan. Turns out it wasn't a checkpoint, it was just a gas station and the attendant had to hose him down with mace to keep him from biting through the gas pump while he was screaming, "Fuck the French!" Well Freddy blacked out and we never found out what happened to all that PCP, but if this video is any indication it'd be easy to guess...

more reasons Dane Cook is a fucking untalented moron

"What do you say when an atheist sneezes?" You could tell the guy bless you without the God seeing as to he's an atheist. Or you could turn it into a reason to keep mainstream America mad at anyone who doesn't share their beliefs. Sure, the atheist guy was probably kind of an asshole. But the funny thing is that the difference between an asshole atheist and an asshole Christian is that an asshole atheist doesn't funnel money into a proposition to keep gay people from marrying each other, which is essentially legislating Christian beliefs onto all of the rest of us. Has there ever been a proposition or law on the books that kept Christians from praying to Jesus?

I get it now, Dane Cook needs to stay on God's nice side because its a miracle that he hasn't been killed by lightening or hit by a car filled with nuns. Unlike Dane's live show I would pay to see that. I hope those nuns have insurance that will cover shit stains.



If you're a fundamentalist Christian, don't watch these:

Looks like this kid is at it again.

So, as I was taking a shit in some newpaper I came across an article about Julian Assange and Bradley Manning. These fuckers just don't know when to quit. Don't fuck with uncle sam kids!!11

Where in the world is Julian Assange?

Yesterday the Daily Beast's Phil Shenon reported that Pentagon investigators are frantically searching for Assange, the white-haired and willfully inscrutable founder of WikiLeaks, in the hopes of stopping him from exposing more than 200,000 classified diplomatic cables: "Pentagon investigators are trying to determine the whereabouts of the Australian-born founder of the secretive website WikiLeaks for fear that he may be about to publish a huge cache of classified State Department cables that, if made public, could do serious damage to national security, government officials tell The Daily Beast."

Manhunt! It has all the makings of a thriller: An elusive renegade, government agents, and thousands of poor State Department bureaucrats nervously awaiting the disclosure of their darkest secrets. But it would be a pretty short movie — if the crack Pentagon investigators charged with protecting our national security had done a simple Web search before contacting Shenon, they would have quickly found that Assange is scheduled to appear on a panel in Las Vegas this afternoon at the annual conference of the group Investigative Reporters and Editors. (The Daily Beast has since reported Assange has cancelled that appearance; see update below.)

WikiLeaks posted a link to the conference website on its Twitter feed today — presumably to tweak investigators and seeming to confirm that Assange will indeed show up. His participation on the panel has been public since at least May 17. WikiLeaks also helpfully posted notice of another appearance — this time by WikiLeaks' Daniel Schmitt — at a free-speech seminar in Brussels in two weeks.

It's not clear what, if any, measures Pentagon officials could take if they showed up at the conference — or intercepted Assange on his way there. But finding a legal pretext to take him into custody likely wouldn't prevent the release of any documents — WikiLeaks' servers are housed in Sweden — and the optics of American officials taking the unprecedented step of bagging a journalist at a conference of journalists would be less than optimal. They could simply ask him nicely not to publish them — perhaps they could slip a question to former Washington Post editor Len Downie, who's moderating Assange's panel?

The State Department cables Assange is said to be on the verge of leaking were allegedly handed to WikiLeaks by Bradley Manning. Manning, an Army intelligence analyst, was outed this week by reformed hacker Adrian Lamo as a security risk after he contacted Lamo via instant messager to confess his role in leaking video of two Reuters staffers being killed by U.S. soldiers in Baghdad. Wired's Threat Level blog, which initially broke the story of Manning's arrest and the circumstances by which Lamo turned him in, posted large portions of their chat conversations today, and they show Manning to be a conscientious and anxious man who became disillusioned after watching Iraqi police officers detain political dissidents while his superiors stood by:

was watching 15 detainees taken by the Iraqi Federal Police... for printing "anti-Iraqi literature"... the iraqi federal police wouldn't cooperate with US forces, so i was instructed to investigate the matter, find out who the "bad guys" were, and how significant this was for the FPs... it turned out, they had printed a scholarly critique against PM Maliki... i had an interpreter read it for me... and when i found out that it was a benign political critique titled "Where did the money go?" and following the corruption trail within the PM's cabinet... i immediately took that information and *ran* to the officer to explain what was going on... he didn't want to hear any of it... he told me to shut up and explain how we could assist the FPs in finding *MORE* detainees...

At other moments in the chats, Manning describes himself as "isolated" and "self-medicating like crazy." He provided few details about the content of the cables he claims to have leaked. One, he said, involved "the Holy See and its position on the Vatican sex scandals."

The portions of the chat transcripts released show Lamo as an almost disinterested interlocutor, posing a few questions here and there while Manning unburdened himself. They do not include an exchange, previously described by Lamo to Yahoo! News, in which Lamo allegedly offered Manning an opportunity to speak as a source to a reporter — which would have obligated Lamo to protect his identity if Manning requested it — and Manning declined.

They show a keen interest on Lamo's part in WikiLeaks' security procedures, and how it protects the anonymity of its leakers: "Does Assange use AIM or other messaging services? I'd like to chat with him one of these days about opsec [operational security]," Lamo asked at one point. At some point during their chats, Lamo alerted federal authorities to Manning's role in the leaks but kept chatting with him. It's unclear whether Lamo's questions about "opsec" at WikiLeaks occurred before or after he went to the authorities, but if they occurred after, they could have been part of an attempt to gather intelligence to help U.S. officials penetrate the site's security.

UPDATE: The Daily Beast is now reporting that Assange canceled his appearance in Las Vegas "within the last several days," according to Investigative Reporters and Editors executive director Mark Horvik. That means the group has been using its Twitter feed to engage in a little disinformation. We imagine there's a disappointed Army Criminal Investigations Division agent lurking outside the Paris Las Vegas hotel right about now.

Want to know what that exchange was between Brad Manning and Adrian Lamo?? Of course you do.

The whole thing is available at http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2010/06/wikileaks-chat/

Cash Grab of the Week: Lady Gaga

Well, shit, It's about time someone made a piece of film that references the holocaust which in and of itself is worse than the actual holocaust. I'm speaking about Lady Gaga's incredibly boring, bloated, money drain of a video for "Alejandro".



Guess what? Madonna's career is over and no one misses her, you cunt. She, David Bowie, and a million other people have already done what you're doing years before you did it. And why is it that every fuckbag on the face of the planet seems stuck in the 80's right now? We've got the annoying ironic fashion, overproduced shitty dance music, and now Madonna's come back and she looks like a rat that's been died blonde and fed coke through a feeding tube for 20 years. What's next? The return of kangol hats, love songs that refer to your girlfriends' vagina as "cherry pie," and Spandau Ballet?

Oh yeah, and the artistic integrity of Lady Gaga? Apparently it's now brought to you by Polaroid -- In January 2010, she was named chief creative officer for a line of imaging products for Polaroid, stating that she will create fashion, technology and photography products. It's great that your music career is just a launch pad for your career as a salesman.

By the way, it's great that Lady Gaga has so much of a say in her music, fasion choices, blah blah blah I don't really give a shit. Well apparently she doesn't much of a say in these things, because it came out in an interview that she had to ask her record company nicely so she could shoot the photos for her album the way she wanted to. I quote: "Cover artwork was done by Hedi Slimane and has a gothic look which Gaga had to convince her record company to allow her to shoot." First sign of a real artist? Having to ask permission to make their art. I know that right before Jimi Hendrix got on stage at Woodstock he put in a call to Reprise Records to ask if it was alright with them beforehand. Jesus, he'd probably laugh until the needles fell out of his veins at the idea that anyone would have to ask permission to shoot a fucking photo session.

She's fucking profound n' shit, too. Like...deep man. Yeeeeah. Check out the text of her tattoo of a Rainer Maria Rilke quote:

In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?
—Rainer Maria Rilke

I respect you much more as an actor now, Lady Gaga, because it takes real talent to convince people you can actually fucking read. Of course, the quote is of one English translation. The real German probably reads more like this:

"Poker Face" is the audio equivalent of stepping on a pile of cold dog shit in the morning. Fuck, why is my name tattooed on this bitch?!? Right now I'm doing somersaults in my grave. Thanks.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Anyway, this article says so much more about Lady Gaga than I ever could.

America: Fuck Yeah!

I don't care what that fuck Jesus Ayala says, Spike Anderson is a patriot! I love mom's laced apple pies, frog baseball, and on Fourth of July I chew on a bag of reds, white crosses, and blue viagra.

When I see our boys in Iraq shooting at uppity fucks with cameras and the people who pull over to try to help them, it makes me giddy.


I hope someone holds these people accountable...for holding cameras. Because who said these fucks were allowed to have cameras???? Good shootin', Tex! To quote the man himself, "Hah, that guy just drove over a body." Ha ha ha. Ha. ha. That's pretty funny, bro. Hey, I'm glad this guy gets to share his private joke with all of us now that the video is leaked. I'm sure we'll all find it HIGH-larious how people are fleeing from his attack on a van full of children.

When the Pentagon found out about the video being leaked, what was their reaction? Did they pussy out and offer a public apology? Maybe try to court marshal the guys who did it and send them to military prison? Fuck NO! What are they, some kinda goddamned shit-eating communists?!? They did what the military always does -- deny, deny, deny. Then call them unpatriotic. Then deny some more -- Reuters said that U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates criticized WikiLeaks for releasing the video without providing any context.

Yeah! What about the CONTEXT of the video? I'll bet the guys with cameras did something really bad off screen just before they're blown to hell. Same thing with those kids in that van. I'll bet they made their sister cry or something. It's everyone else's fault for reading too much into things!

What about the guy who leaked this video, Bradley Manning? And why isn't he being beaten round-the-clock by government thugs like he woulda been in the good ol' days? Don't worry friends, this thought-terrorist is being tortured by "no-touch torture" in the federal clink in Quantico, VA. One person said of the man, ""If Manning is convicted, it will be because his individual dedication to human ethics far surpasses that of the US government." You mean mowing people down in the street with an Apache's minigun isn't ethical?! Here's the little terrorist right here, clearly displaying his hatred of all mankind by wearing a Hollister t-shirt:

Seems to me like he's more of a threat to the fuckin' Chipotle salsa bar than to anyone's national security.

(By the way, it's a good thing that we've got all these great investigative journalists around exposing this sort of thing so that it doesn't have to be brought to everyone's attention by a junkie from Pico)

Anyway, fuck terrorists. Or people with cameras. They're one and the same, bitches.

When in doubt, destroy everything

Cash Grab of The Week: Daft Punk Pieces of shit or Really REALLY big pieces of shit?

Guess what kids I had a great idea 10 years ago while I was passed out after huffing one too many amyl nitrates behind the Chuck E. Cheese "restaurant" on Pico. I should have known after my dealer called them his "King Fuckin' Hell special." Anyway, my idea...robot costumes. Oh, and shitty techno music trying to be passed off as being made by someone who wasn't a souless jerk with no goddamn talent or abilty to actually play a FUCKING INSTRUMENT. Well, I never got around to it.
It's too bad because that shit band Daft Punk beat me too it. But, even my black tar heart wouldn't have made a fucking GAP COMMERCIAL. I mean fuck I'd rather sell my body for sex or better yet sell organs piece by piece. I heard you can get some pretty high grade crystal meth for a good scrotum. If there were any justice in the world Daft Punk would die in a large explosion due to their enormously expensive(and bloated) live show.

Their latest artistic decision was designing a couple of bottles for coke. Yeah, I know--you'd sign any piece of paper with the word "coke" written on it, wouldn't you? Been there, done that, had the coke spoon bronzed and mounted. But just when you expect to dive nose first into a mountain of Columbia's finest, you find yourself being whored out to a company that was run by Nazi sympathizers during the 40's.

Shit man I'd take care of these "Punks" myself with my riding lawnmower but unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover shit stains!!11 Better yet, I should call my roommate Larry to bring his remington 700 sniper rifle next time he visits his family in Paris, France. But, what if he's busy? He is always willing to loan it....how much for a one way ticket to Paris?!1

Commentary About Mitt Romney's Secret NAMBLA Manifesto

Hey, everyone. I'm Bryan Sellers, a friend of Spike's. He's in critical condition here at the church's shelter after listening to the entire discography of No Age, but before he passed out he said something about updating his blog for him. He also whispered something about "putting the ice in him", but I'm not exactly sure what that means. Anyway, I thought I would honor his wishes by posting an editorial I wrote here. If you feel inclined, you can print out what I wrote and send it into one of the few decent papers out there like the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, or the Orange County Register. You know, something with small words, big ideas, and a lack of interest in anything fun or intelligent. Anyway, here it is:
==================================================================
"Mitt Romney: Determined Rapist or Potential Rape Conspirator?"
by Bryan Sellers

Mitt Romney has always harbored a deep loathing for the Christian mainstream, ever since he was ridiculed for his religion during his childhood. As a Christian and a Republican myself, it disturbs me to know that he is considered a viable candidate for the presidency even though he has publicly stated that he "plans to enforce mandatory polygamy throughout the country at gunpoint" during his tenure as president. Whatever his stated intentions, it is his faith alone to which he is loyal -- the Mormon Church aided his ascent in politics, so favors are owed in a way that goes beyond simple tax breaks and the useage of executive priveledges. Mitt Romney's presidency would see the country turned into a facist theocracy of Latter Day Saints hell-bent on replacing the Holy Bible with the Book of Mormon. This claim is not as outrageous as it seems, considering that the state of Utah already has several Mormon faith-based laws in place which act as legislated Mormon doctrine. During the Romney Presidency, any man, woman, or hapless animal found ingesting any kind of alcohol will be sent to a gulag in the middle of Death Valley where they will be forced to manufacture Romneyan political materials until his reign is withdrawn. And let's not even get into his plans to fill the cabinet with protestors against the inclusion of black students from Brigham Young University...

Romney's potential is already waning. Eyebrows have been raised, secret NAMBLA memberships have been questioned. The final question I pose to the reader is this: how does a staunch conservative become Governor of the very liberal state of Massachusets? Obvious funding and support from the Mormon Church, the same which allowed Proposition 8 to pass in the liberal state of California. Though that proposition is supported by conservatives, the means to that end need to be questioned. A political machine has begun to take form in the state of Utah, and it might end with the adoption of many young women across the country as the Brides of Mitt. Why else would Romney want to keep guns out of the hands of the public (although he has recently flip-flopped on the issue merely to superficially appease the Republican Party)? When the shadow Mormon Illuminati comes knocking on your door, you won't have anything in your house to keep the roving Mormon death squads at bay. To quote the man himself about the fate of Christians and other non-Mormon individuals, ""I want them in Guantanamo where they don't get the access to lawyers they get when they're on our soil. I don't want them in our prisons. I want them there." (cited from Reuters May 16, 2007 http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N16430098.htm)

Be warned, the coup might be coming in 2012. My compound in the Virgnia woods is stocked and ready to be locked down for the next 55 years of Romney's vile dictatorship/child-molestation trust/pervert campaign. How about you?

Hitler Mustache aka Redondo Beach Hobo Buttbroom

Now the Spikester doesn't normally watch basketball. Shit, I got a better chance hangin' out on Pico just on the off chance I'll get to see a junkie get hit by a bus. At least that is unscripted, unless I push them in front of the bus - but only on slow days. But I have to say I'll be watching more basketball from now on after I saw Michael Jordan rockin' the Hitler Mustache.

"Maybe Jordan feels he simply transcends the clear cultural need to avoid looking like history's most vile psychopath. Maybe he's on a quest to reclaim a symbolic styling of the industrial working class, and a mediocre underwear ad seemed like the right forum. Or maybe the copywriters simply loved the irony of mocking some poor guy's "bacon neck" while the star of the ad blatantly sports a damn Hitler 'stache."

-Guy that regularly ties me off.