SLOW CHAFING SATANIC HANDJOB

------> READ THIS

Put on your "Church Clothes" kids - Because just when I thought it was safe to gargle some Hurricane Charlie, slice my face open, and blow your dad - someone just had to knock the caviar out of my mouth.

Do you know what it is like to have your white-gloved puritanical wisdom banhammered by greedy Extenze Advertisers?




...like a cheese grater against the soft yeasty nubile foreskin!!!1




Much like "Future Doorway Dwellers" this music video, by the Cramps, was banned from TV...blame the PMRC...or THE SHIT-BAG COMPANIES that ADVERTISE on MTV (of course Capitol/EMI didn't have a problem putting the record sales up their nose). Apparently, you can't use forceps to pry a full grown man out of a sweet smelling bloody zombie pussy. Speaking of pussies, Sergi says it would make a good OB Tampon commercial...you know the one marketed to teens during family dinner time. Can you break $20? SLURP, SNIFF. I digress, because apparently ADVERTISERS don't like it when a man puts a chicken leg down his thong while bending over to show his burnt starfish. Also, you can't have a woman sit on a dude's face and put it on TV - someone might begin to VIOLENTLY MASTURBATE. But then again, this vile video is available on Youtube.com and god knows NO ONE ADVERTISES WITH THAT ONLINE BLOWJOB VIDEO DATABASE.

"Settle Down Spike, you're blowing this out of proportion. Google is letting you corrupt minds they're just not going to pay you for it!"

WELL FUCK YOU, I NEED MY 1000% CUT, I HAVE A FISTING PARTY AT THE MOTEL 6 TO PAY FOR. (btw, its the Motel 6 a block away from Hollywood Park if you are interested and have 5 bux)


I can't seem to get that annoying taste of JIZZ-CRUST duct tape off my lips. Shit, now the Redondo John's are requesting that I wear a rubber glove when I hop on the end of a 4 man train? What is the world coming to!

The solution you ask? Besides a juicy fat tit nipple that squirts liquid PCP (thats Phencyclidine for the laymen or bay area computer programing speedball regulars)? Corrupting impotent males googling for Tijuana grade Viagra!!1

Ok now this is where I clean up, find god, start a cooking blog, become a substitute teacher at a christian high school, and jerk off to American Idol while standing in front of an open window. ONLY IN AMERICA.



JUST THROW SOME FUCKING LOOSE CHANGE AT THE SON OF A BITCH!!!1


AdSense, the Domino's Pizza of Advertisers?

Exhibit 1. AdSense + Steroids = American.




Exhibit 2. AdSense + Ebay = Cheap Babies

3. Exhibit 3. AdSense + WoW = pay for sex.

Exhibit 4. AdSense + Burglary = Hey, its the "Economy".


The truth is that advertisers don't care who pimps their shit. Only, how big the asshole's arm is that swings the pimp hand.

Well, I guess I can't rely on Google to pay me so i can eat wine & Coke Taco's....so its back to the corner...but i'll rise up from the bottom of the river...bitch!!!1



BTW, a man's ass is ok with advertisers.....just as long as no one says FUCK

Censored by The Man!! (AKA Google Are Spineless Pussies)

Google thinks this blog is too obscene for its advertisers. Hey Google, here's a couple of names you might of heard of before: Perez Hilton, Buddyhead.com, Cracked.com, and about 500 other blogs with tons of advertisers that are just as profane as this one. To give you some idea of why these 733t haxors are bed-wetting shitheads, here's a fun fact from wikipedia: "New employees are called "Nooglers," and are given a propeller beanie hat to wear at their first TGIF." You can't make shit like that up:


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Hello Spike,

Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. Unfortunately, after
reviewing your application, we're unable to accept you into Google
AdSense at this time. We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below.

We've found that your website contains content
that isn't in compliance with our program policies. We don't allow
websites with excessive profanity or potentially offensive content to
participate in Google AdSense. Please review our policies
for a complete list of site content not allowed on web pages.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Now how's this for hypocrisy? According to Google's Guide to Net Neutrality, where they they claim to be huge supporters of free speech online,

"Network neutrality is the principle that Internet users should be in control of what content they view and what applications they use on the Internet."

The first step to giving people control over their content is letting advertisers decide to throw in with controversial sites rather than pre-approving them and telling your advertisers who they can and can't advertise with.

Here's an experiment, kids. Go visit Time Magazine's best blogs of 2010. I know, I know. Fuck Time Magazine. But still, look at how most of those blogs contain some kind of profanity. One's even called "Sh__ My Kids Ruined" for fuck's sake. Look, not everyone in this country is 10 years old. Most of us use profanity in our daily lives. Fuck Google and fuck the Soccer Mom-ification of America.

(By the way, it hasn't escaped me that this site is actually hosted on a google-related website. But it's too late to switch now and there really isn't anything else out there that's free).

It's okay, you can always vote Sarah Palin into power if you can't handle hearing the truth occasionally blaring at you from a monitor. You can always turn on FOX News and pray to Jesus to finally turn this country into the Third Mall from the Sun once in for all. Or maybe you could grow up and realize that people should be allowed to say things you disagree with, because it's their right to do so as human beings.



If you like Spike Anderson, here's a list of non-google search engines that do the job just as well without the mega-corporate fucksmanship you've just come to acknowledge thanks to my jarring, violent wisdoms. Which engine do I recommend? The first one to come up with this page as the result of a search for "Spike Anderson Sez Fuck Off"

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New Shit

What's new, what's new...well for one thing, the ads on the side of the page will help keep my veins filled with smack and maybe afford me a luke-warm tortilla that's been spat in from El Burrito Jr. That's right, spikeanderson.blogspot.com is now officially a business, so now I can start dumping sewage in the LA river like every other corporation. Shit, that's like dumping water into a pool.

Posers, Hipsters, people who want a t-shirt with a junkie on it...look at the very bottom of this page and find the Spike Anderson t-shirt. Jizz stains not included.

Oh and I almost forgot, everyone's favorite worst band ever has a twitter--The Three Douches. Now you can keep tabs on their daily round of butler beatings.

Spike Presents, "Here's What You're Doing Wrong, You Fucker"

Here's what you're doing wrong--you're clearly a marketing team who thinks they know dick about music. Craigslist, you've never let me down when it comes to shitbrained posers:
-------------------
"Rock-genred (marketable, but in good taste).
Initial goal>>>move our creative team into creative space and force magic.

This position is non-paid until deals are offered. Inquire by clicking hyperlink above. Serious inquiries ONLY"
-------------------

Cash Grab of the Week: Paramore aka God's Chosen Greedheads

If you've been paying attention to the failures of the music industry during the last 5 years, then you've probably heard of the self-described poser emo band Paramore. Yep, that's right--finally someone came out and declared themselves to be "emo". Jesus Christ, not even fucking Fallout Boy would cop to that bullshit.

The band was founded by some sort of evangelical hooker and random musicians pulled from Atlantic's massive rolodex of cokeheads who own a Squier Shitcaster. Hope the paycheck was worth being told what to play by someone with the intelligence of a 12 year old who's been snorting lines of glitter off her Lisa Frank coke mirror since she was shat out of the test tube by a coupla industry fucks.

They're all practicing Christians, which is yet another thing you can put into the pile of reasons not to give a fuck about them. It's all a ploy to make their music go down easier for the dead-eyed Calvary Chapel soccer moms of the world. What would Jesus do? Flash his tits on Twitter to the world for fame, I guess. Hey, you know what? Spike Anderson loves Jesus, too. Now you judgmental born again assholes can feel guilt-free about enjoying my posts about trying to find the last good vein in my eyelid for my daily fix. Sure, I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, especially since he seems to be cool with me fucking over my fellow man for my 138% cut.

Apparently, that paycheck wasn't enough to keep the rest of the band from leaving and the guitarist from telling us what we already know: their band is a pile of shit.

Here's the shocking revelations contained in this songblower's announcement:
- Paramore were formed by a major label looking for easier access to hookers n' coke
- The lead singer is a cunt who is desperate for attention
- Their music blows

Well what a fuckin' newsflash that is. At least he had the balls to tell everyone the real reasons his shitty band is no longer plaguing us with their music. As far as the singer goes, the world now knows she's an attention starved whore who is a glorified American Idol contestant sponsored by Hot Topic. In a perfect world, she would be beaten on sight by music fans and reasonable people everywhere she went. In reality, she'll probably start her new career as a cam whore and reality TV show shitbag any day now.

Shit man, with hair like that I half expect the Grimace to show up to your gigs and blow coke up the Hamburgler's nose before the encore.

Resurgence of The Paycheck/Rush Limbaugh should have been a blowjob

My old friend Jimmy called me the other day to talk about Lenny Dykstra. I had to smack him upside the head and remind him of two things:

1) Lenny Dykstra is a baseball player and not even that great of one. I'm sure the 2 people still watching baseball might care but the rest of us DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

2) There are more important things like the story out of Arizona. Basically, someone who isn't brain damaged but may become a vegetable was almost killed by this fuckhead who was possibly inspired by this dumbfuck.

Just remember Jim, Rush Limbaugh knows best.

Collapsing Trust Funds

In the world of Spike Anderson, the piss jar is always half-full. Because I'm an optimist. Because I think my life is great. Because you are such a pile of shit by comparison. Fuck you!

Some people hate hipsters and do whatever they can to make sure they cut the drugs that they sell them with whatever was lying around the janitor's closet that I sleep in. But so what? You don't have to hate them, according to some fuck at the LA Weekly. Instead you can just...loathe them? despise them? What's another word for "kick their teeth in and steal their wallets?"

In the spirit of all of the ecstasy I choked down 4 minutes ago, here are some reasons to not hate hipsters:
1. ?
2. Their failures amuse me
3. Sometimes they actually come to shows and earn me my 850% cut.

Hey, number 3 ain't exactly going to fly what with Spaceland being sold off and all of LA's venues closing down. Hypothetical question for you: where are hipsters supposed to go when they're done eating their fair trade vegan bullshit? A shitty venue to see the next Shiloe-level catastrophe stand motionless on stage and stare at their equally motionless, shit-brained audience. The mass failure to do even that shows you that the poser level has hit "Ken Ramos" and keeps climbing.

As far as social movements go, the hipsters have really done a good job of killing good taste. The hippies had good music, the punks had good music, whatever the fuck people keep calling "grunge" was pretty decent...and now we're all stuck with Cobra Starship and the immense sense that nothing worthwhile is being said or played anywhere inside this country. That's why people hate fucking hipsters: BECAUSE WE NEED TO MOVE ON AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING NEW THAT'S WORTHWHILE.

"blind acceptance is a sign
of stupid fools who stand in line"
- John Lydon

Chasing Jimmy Paycheck

Let's face it, this country is full of hypocrites. When I show up at Costco on a Monday night and start passing out my own "samples", I always end up in the basement of some jail in Hawthorne. But when some fuck in Glendale starts shuffling his goods outside of The Smell on a Thursday night, he gets a full page spread in the Huffington Post.

Notice something about the kid smoking horse in the article?

Turns out he's a fuckin' hipster in yet another shitty obscure band t-shirt. Best free marketing the "League Champs" ever got. If you're reading this, League Champs, hire me as your manager and you'll have all these goddamned hipsters smoking skag like it was their boyfriend's pole.

I know how it is--it takes crazy things these days to get people to come to your gigs. You gotta get creative. Some people pass out heroin, others just take a shit in your car:

"When driving down Florence and Normandie, be wary of a man in a green suit and purple bow tie, sitting on what looks like an old leather trumpet case. He usually sits at the SE corner. When you pull up with your windows down he will come up to your car, pull his pants down, put his butt in your car through your side window, and take a dump in your car. I take the same street to work every day for the last seven years. I've seen this guy, who i call "El Dumpo Fiasco", do it about four times a year. I once saw him take a dump in this lady's escalade. He had to step on the side steps of the SUV. It was a monster dump. I could see it from behind the escalade, it came out looking like a burned sausage. The lady got so pissed she jumped out of her escalade and attacked the guy. The guy ran off yelling something like "Stay up Cain!!!". It was crazy. Weird thing is, he always targets white cars. Just make sure to put your windows up if you see the guy in a green suit and purple bow tie."

Music File Download for X-Mas

As you might have figured out by now, if you read the title and came here expecting music, you're a lemming who needs to be shown how to think for yourself (you can remove that Pitchfork.com bookmark from your shit folder, by the way). On one hand, it's a cruel trick. On the other hand, fuck you!

So here's how to live your miserable life--Step One: listen to fucking Bill Maher

I threw the first punch in Arizona

Preach on.....to the choir. Normally, I wouldn't go to Jello Biafra for some intelligent thought...(hey this is the man who thought a space punk version of "Moon Over Marin" was a good idea)...but this microdot gobbler actually has a coherent conversation with at least 5 or 6 concertgoers. This issue is extremely important as Spike Anderson, Esquire, has been threatened with legal action by the Culver City Library for my blogspot media empire. Of course it has nothing to do with my blog but rather I was caught sticking my johnson into the hard drive. But it wasn't my fault, why can't they make my mescaline a little less pure?!?

On A Side Note: It has been reported that after Biafra's grandstanding, the crowd injected paste, rubbed their crotches together, and drove home on their vespas.