The Great White Guitar Wank Opus

Hey kids, fill your favorite syringe and clean your best bent/dull needle...and then listen to 4:59-5:48 of this Cramps interview.

Done? Ok, now get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness and maybe just maybe good ol' Spike will give you some of the "bad" mostly Labrador stuff. The price? Your dad's gold card and admitting that your Ipod is full of bubblegum creed cum clots. Oh and a pair of your sister's panties...you know for "educational" purposes.

See kids, the truth is that Rock and Roll is for fucked up nihilistic sex fueled drug hazed mental patients. Yup, look at all the greats...Fast Finger Freddie of the short lived East Bay thrash band, Vietnam. Shit, we used to milk his cat to make Uncle Charlie milk shakes. Then, we'd jack your jaguar and take it on a Brothels Across Oakland world tour. My point is - look at all the rock stars. Jagger pushed a snicker's bar up Faithfull's cooch. All Darby Crash wanted was another beer. Lennon rearranged hecklers faces at shows and did so much acid that he thought it was a good idea to let his wife record an album. Iggy Pop sliced himself open on stage and sang about "cocks in his pocket". Bowie stuffed every conceivable powder up his holy nostrils. GG was born under the legal name Jesus Christ Allin and was later arrested and imprisoned for rape and torture. Ginn hated girls so much that he threw teenage female punks into brick walls when they foiled his feral cat benefits. I could go on except that I don't remember too much of the 70's or 80's....well, I remember my gay 90's pretty decently but thats for another time.



Free tip #1. If you are going to be a rock band then forget about your amyl dreams of the great white 10 guitar wank opus. That dream is dead, you can thank CAN for killing it, digging it back up, raping it, burying it, digging it back up and attaching nipple clamps to its black dahlia-esque grin.



Free tip #2. cut the intro and outro. Look, follow this equation to all the tit flashings your black heart desires: verse + chorus + bridge + chorus + call it a night. Look, shitstain, keep your songs short because I need your gig to be over in 10 minutes so I can haul your ass down to little Joey Leibowitz's bar mitzvah by 3pm and then swing by my flop house by 4pm and score.

Your songs should be like this


Free tip #3. Art is for losers. Remember, its Friday and the random girl/guy in the audience just got canned from American Apparel for sticky labia wrestling in the leggings section. All he or she wants to do is get their rocks off to something loud that their parents will hate. Shit, all I want to do is throw up some horns and drop a Quaalude in your Pabst.

Don't do this


So remember.....

Shut up and play.

Los Haters the Needle in my Eye

So, apparently some scum fucks are trying to make Arizona a facist state. Well, they're already a racist state, so..they're already halfway there. Oh, sorry wrong blog.
Spike here and I am hopping mad. The man wants to take away my coke and needle tacos along with my heroin-infused milkshakes that I get at the Umberto's taco truck on Pico. It seems mexican-americans weren't content to just leave things alone, I mean hey man they got a song in a big movie, right?





Ain't that enough?!!1


Well they just had to fucking go and offend everyone by trying to become a citizen and make a decent life for their families. Shame on you Mexican-Americans. You clearly don't love this land of freedom enough or God would have let you be born here. All that's left to do is go back to what I was doing in the first place before I wrote all this shit...smoking cockroaches:

Cash Grab of the Week: Replacing Real Music With Some Shithead DJ

Spike Anderson loves DJs.

Oh jesus oh god no, already it's sentance one and he's contradicted himself, you're thinking. And so what? You can second guess a man with lungs full of diesel fumes all you want, but you can't fight the wisdoms of my latest business venture.

Ask yourself this: why manage bands when you can just have one guy play other people's music all night and make the same 97.001% cut with an all-access pass to the craft-services table? Bands are full of uppity young fucks, and none of them take well to my patented hands-on-throat management style.

Own a stereo? Then you're a DJ. Better learn how to stare vacantly at a bunch of hipsters pretending not to care, because you're on at the Echo for a 4 PM set. You're on after DJ iPod Shuffle. Hey, it takes talent to pick an LP out of crate and set it on a record player. My cut. Fucking. I want. Now!

Spike Presents, "What Your Gigs SHOULD Be Like, Posers"

Okay fuckos, here's the story behind the gig:

Black Flag was scheduled to fill in for "The US Airforce Orchestra" after they couldnt attend so BF told the park owner that (according to Keith Morris, singer of Black Flag) "we had some Fleetwood Mac songs in our set."

The gig was supposed to be part of a series of gigs called "Concerts in the Park" which consisted of mainly jazz or hard rock bands. So when many of the mothers and fathers in the park heard that Black Flag was playing, they assumed that they were another old, children friendly, jazz band. Keith Morris says, "all of a sudden there's this line of leather-clad, torn Levis, black t-shirts, spiky dyed hair guys coming in: surf rats, skaters, skiers, a sprinkling of druggie friends... "

When the mighty Black Flag stepped on stage, the mayham began to occur and thats about the time when the picnicking families realized the same thing. Keith: "The first thing I remember saying is, 'We're loud, and if you don't like that, you can go watch Walt Disney.' Then we
launched into our set, and for ten minutes it rained orange peels, cantaloupes, half-eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken drumsticks."

Needless to say, the gig was a complete catastrophe. A few days later, the Manhattan Beach Recreation Department's Special Events Supervisor apologized in a press release: "We plan to screen and audition every act from now on...so nothing like this will ever happen again."

Fuck the man.



Most of their best gigs were near-riots anyway:

SLOW CHAFING SATANIC HANDJOB

------> READ THIS

Put on your "Church Clothes" kids - Because just when I thought it was safe to gargle some Hurricane Charlie, slice my face open, and blow your dad - someone just had to knock the caviar out of my mouth.

Do you know what it is like to have your white-gloved puritanical wisdom banhammered by greedy Extenze Advertisers?




...like a cheese grater against the soft yeasty nubile foreskin!!!1




Much like "Future Doorway Dwellers" this music video, by the Cramps, was banned from TV...blame the PMRC...or THE SHIT-BAG COMPANIES that ADVERTISE on MTV (of course Capitol/EMI didn't have a problem putting the record sales up their nose). Apparently, you can't use forceps to pry a full grown man out of a sweet smelling bloody zombie pussy. Speaking of pussies, Sergi says it would make a good OB Tampon commercial...you know the one marketed to teens during family dinner time. Can you break $20? SLURP, SNIFF. I digress, because apparently ADVERTISERS don't like it when a man puts a chicken leg down his thong while bending over to show his burnt starfish. Also, you can't have a woman sit on a dude's face and put it on TV - someone might begin to VIOLENTLY MASTURBATE. But then again, this vile video is available on Youtube.com and god knows NO ONE ADVERTISES WITH THAT ONLINE BLOWJOB VIDEO DATABASE.

"Settle Down Spike, you're blowing this out of proportion. Google is letting you corrupt minds they're just not going to pay you for it!"

WELL FUCK YOU, I NEED MY 1000% CUT, I HAVE A FISTING PARTY AT THE MOTEL 6 TO PAY FOR. (btw, its the Motel 6 a block away from Hollywood Park if you are interested and have 5 bux)


I can't seem to get that annoying taste of JIZZ-CRUST duct tape off my lips. Shit, now the Redondo John's are requesting that I wear a rubber glove when I hop on the end of a 4 man train? What is the world coming to!

The solution you ask? Besides a juicy fat tit nipple that squirts liquid PCP (thats Phencyclidine for the laymen or bay area computer programing speedball regulars)? Corrupting impotent males googling for Tijuana grade Viagra!!1

Ok now this is where I clean up, find god, start a cooking blog, become a substitute teacher at a christian high school, and jerk off to American Idol while standing in front of an open window. ONLY IN AMERICA.



JUST THROW SOME FUCKING LOOSE CHANGE AT THE SON OF A BITCH!!!1


AdSense, the Domino's Pizza of Advertisers?

Exhibit 1. AdSense + Steroids = American.




Exhibit 2. AdSense + Ebay = Cheap Babies

3. Exhibit 3. AdSense + WoW = pay for sex.

Exhibit 4. AdSense + Burglary = Hey, its the "Economy".


The truth is that advertisers don't care who pimps their shit. Only, how big the asshole's arm is that swings the pimp hand.

Well, I guess I can't rely on Google to pay me so i can eat wine & Coke Taco's....so its back to the corner...but i'll rise up from the bottom of the river...bitch!!!1



BTW, a man's ass is ok with advertisers.....just as long as no one says FUCK

Censored by The Man!! (AKA Google Are Spineless Pussies)

Google thinks this blog is too obscene for its advertisers. Hey Google, here's a couple of names you might of heard of before: Perez Hilton, Buddyhead.com, Cracked.com, and about 500 other blogs with tons of advertisers that are just as profane as this one. To give you some idea of why these 733t haxors are bed-wetting shitheads, here's a fun fact from wikipedia: "New employees are called "Nooglers," and are given a propeller beanie hat to wear at their first TGIF." You can't make shit like that up:


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Hello Spike,

Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. Unfortunately, after
reviewing your application, we're unable to accept you into Google
AdSense at this time. We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below.

We've found that your website contains content
that isn't in compliance with our program policies. We don't allow
websites with excessive profanity or potentially offensive content to
participate in Google AdSense. Please review our policies
for a complete list of site content not allowed on web pages.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Now how's this for hypocrisy? According to Google's Guide to Net Neutrality, where they they claim to be huge supporters of free speech online,

"Network neutrality is the principle that Internet users should be in control of what content they view and what applications they use on the Internet."

The first step to giving people control over their content is letting advertisers decide to throw in with controversial sites rather than pre-approving them and telling your advertisers who they can and can't advertise with.

Here's an experiment, kids. Go visit Time Magazine's best blogs of 2010. I know, I know. Fuck Time Magazine. But still, look at how most of those blogs contain some kind of profanity. One's even called "Sh__ My Kids Ruined" for fuck's sake. Look, not everyone in this country is 10 years old. Most of us use profanity in our daily lives. Fuck Google and fuck the Soccer Mom-ification of America.

(By the way, it hasn't escaped me that this site is actually hosted on a google-related website. But it's too late to switch now and there really isn't anything else out there that's free).

It's okay, you can always vote Sarah Palin into power if you can't handle hearing the truth occasionally blaring at you from a monitor. You can always turn on FOX News and pray to Jesus to finally turn this country into the Third Mall from the Sun once in for all. Or maybe you could grow up and realize that people should be allowed to say things you disagree with, because it's their right to do so as human beings.



If you like Spike Anderson, here's a list of non-google search engines that do the job just as well without the mega-corporate fucksmanship you've just come to acknowledge thanks to my jarring, violent wisdoms. Which engine do I recommend? The first one to come up with this page as the result of a search for "Spike Anderson Sez Fuck Off"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

New Shit

What's new, what's new...well for one thing, the ads on the side of the page will help keep my veins filled with smack and maybe afford me a luke-warm tortilla that's been spat in from El Burrito Jr. That's right, spikeanderson.blogspot.com is now officially a business, so now I can start dumping sewage in the LA river like every other corporation. Shit, that's like dumping water into a pool.

Posers, Hipsters, people who want a t-shirt with a junkie on it...look at the very bottom of this page and find the Spike Anderson t-shirt. Jizz stains not included.

Oh and I almost forgot, everyone's favorite worst band ever has a twitter--The Three Douches. Now you can keep tabs on their daily round of butler beatings.

Spike Presents, "Here's What You're Doing Wrong, You Fucker"

Here's what you're doing wrong--you're clearly a marketing team who thinks they know dick about music. Craigslist, you've never let me down when it comes to shitbrained posers:
-------------------
"Rock-genred (marketable, but in good taste).
Initial goal>>>move our creative team into creative space and force magic.

This position is non-paid until deals are offered. Inquire by clicking hyperlink above. Serious inquiries ONLY"
-------------------

Cash Grab of the Week: Paramore aka God's Chosen Greedheads

If you've been paying attention to the failures of the music industry during the last 5 years, then you've probably heard of the self-described poser emo band Paramore. Yep, that's right--finally someone came out and declared themselves to be "emo". Jesus Christ, not even fucking Fallout Boy would cop to that bullshit.

The band was founded by some sort of evangelical hooker and random musicians pulled from Atlantic's massive rolodex of cokeheads who own a Squier Shitcaster. Hope the paycheck was worth being told what to play by someone with the intelligence of a 12 year old who's been snorting lines of glitter off her Lisa Frank coke mirror since she was shat out of the test tube by a coupla industry fucks.

They're all practicing Christians, which is yet another thing you can put into the pile of reasons not to give a fuck about them. It's all a ploy to make their music go down easier for the dead-eyed Calvary Chapel soccer moms of the world. What would Jesus do? Flash his tits on Twitter to the world for fame, I guess. Hey, you know what? Spike Anderson loves Jesus, too. Now you judgmental born again assholes can feel guilt-free about enjoying my posts about trying to find the last good vein in my eyelid for my daily fix. Sure, I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, especially since he seems to be cool with me fucking over my fellow man for my 138% cut.

Apparently, that paycheck wasn't enough to keep the rest of the band from leaving and the guitarist from telling us what we already know: their band is a pile of shit.

Here's the shocking revelations contained in this songblower's announcement:
- Paramore were formed by a major label looking for easier access to hookers n' coke
- The lead singer is a cunt who is desperate for attention
- Their music blows

Well what a fuckin' newsflash that is. At least he had the balls to tell everyone the real reasons his shitty band is no longer plaguing us with their music. As far as the singer goes, the world now knows she's an attention starved whore who is a glorified American Idol contestant sponsored by Hot Topic. In a perfect world, she would be beaten on sight by music fans and reasonable people everywhere she went. In reality, she'll probably start her new career as a cam whore and reality TV show shitbag any day now.

Shit man, with hair like that I half expect the Grimace to show up to your gigs and blow coke up the Hamburgler's nose before the encore.

Resurgence of The Paycheck/Rush Limbaugh should have been a blowjob

My old friend Jimmy called me the other day to talk about Lenny Dykstra. I had to smack him upside the head and remind him of two things:

1) Lenny Dykstra is a baseball player and not even that great of one. I'm sure the 2 people still watching baseball might care but the rest of us DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

2) There are more important things like the story out of Arizona. Basically, someone who isn't brain damaged but may become a vegetable was almost killed by this fuckhead who was possibly inspired by this dumbfuck.

Just remember Jim, Rush Limbaugh knows best.