Commentary About Mitt Romney's Secret NAMBLA Manifesto

Hey, everyone. I'm Bryan Sellers, a friend of Spike's. He's in critical condition here at the church's shelter after listening to the entire discography of No Age, but before he passed out he said something about updating his blog for him. He also whispered something about "putting the ice in him", but I'm not exactly sure what that means. Anyway, I thought I would honor his wishes by posting an editorial I wrote here. If you feel inclined, you can print out what I wrote and send it into one of the few decent papers out there like the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, or the Orange County Register. You know, something with small words, big ideas, and a lack of interest in anything fun or intelligent. Anyway, here it is:
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"Mitt Romney: Determined Rapist or Potential Rape Conspirator?"
by Bryan Sellers

Mitt Romney has always harbored a deep loathing for the Christian mainstream, ever since he was ridiculed for his religion during his childhood. As a Christian and a Republican myself, it disturbs me to know that he is considered a viable candidate for the presidency even though he has publicly stated that he "plans to enforce mandatory polygamy throughout the country at gunpoint" during his tenure as president. Whatever his stated intentions, it is his faith alone to which he is loyal -- the Mormon Church aided his ascent in politics, so favors are owed in a way that goes beyond simple tax breaks and the useage of executive priveledges. Mitt Romney's presidency would see the country turned into a facist theocracy of Latter Day Saints hell-bent on replacing the Holy Bible with the Book of Mormon. This claim is not as outrageous as it seems, considering that the state of Utah already has several Mormon faith-based laws in place which act as legislated Mormon doctrine. During the Romney Presidency, any man, woman, or hapless animal found ingesting any kind of alcohol will be sent to a gulag in the middle of Death Valley where they will be forced to manufacture Romneyan political materials until his reign is withdrawn. And let's not even get into his plans to fill the cabinet with protestors against the inclusion of black students from Brigham Young University...

Romney's potential is already waning. Eyebrows have been raised, secret NAMBLA memberships have been questioned. The final question I pose to the reader is this: how does a staunch conservative become Governor of the very liberal state of Massachusets? Obvious funding and support from the Mormon Church, the same which allowed Proposition 8 to pass in the liberal state of California. Though that proposition is supported by conservatives, the means to that end need to be questioned. A political machine has begun to take form in the state of Utah, and it might end with the adoption of many young women across the country as the Brides of Mitt. Why else would Romney want to keep guns out of the hands of the public (although he has recently flip-flopped on the issue merely to superficially appease the Republican Party)? When the shadow Mormon Illuminati comes knocking on your door, you won't have anything in your house to keep the roving Mormon death squads at bay. To quote the man himself about the fate of Christians and other non-Mormon individuals, ""I want them in Guantanamo where they don't get the access to lawyers they get when they're on our soil. I don't want them in our prisons. I want them there." (cited from Reuters May 16, 2007 http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N16430098.htm)

Be warned, the coup might be coming in 2012. My compound in the Virgnia woods is stocked and ready to be locked down for the next 55 years of Romney's vile dictatorship/child-molestation trust/pervert campaign. How about you?

Hitler Mustache aka Redondo Beach Hobo Buttbroom

Now the Spikester doesn't normally watch basketball. Shit, I got a better chance hangin' out on Pico just on the off chance I'll get to see a junkie get hit by a bus. At least that is unscripted, unless I push them in front of the bus - but only on slow days. But I have to say I'll be watching more basketball from now on after I saw Michael Jordan rockin' the Hitler Mustache.

"Maybe Jordan feels he simply transcends the clear cultural need to avoid looking like history's most vile psychopath. Maybe he's on a quest to reclaim a symbolic styling of the industrial working class, and a mediocre underwear ad seemed like the right forum. Or maybe the copywriters simply loved the irony of mocking some poor guy's "bacon neck" while the star of the ad blatantly sports a damn Hitler 'stache."

-Guy that regularly ties me off.

Trent Reznor -- Tired of Wasting Time on the Golf Course

So, you're trent reznor and you're tired of sitting around the country club in Melrose. You already have lots of money and all the space coke a man could want. Well shit, what else do you do? You make an album with your wife, that's what. It's a family production this time kids, and if you listen really close to Track 3 you can hear them arguing about whose turn it is to do the fucking dishes.

Now you're probably saying "what the fuck are you talking about spike did you finish all the ether too soon?" Well, yes. But, lets get right down to it.

How to Destroy Angels will released their self-titled debut EP as a free download via the How to Destroy Angels website. That's right Trent's new project will be totally free and I gotta say it sounds pretty good after a handful of reds and a bottle of Wild Turkey...with mezcal chasers(obviously). So, there you have it the REVERSE CASH GRAB. The man is literally giving his music away now.

Don't worry though he'll make his money back by releasing some bullshit package of every Nine Inch Nails album and some beat up piece of shit guitar covered with corn syrup. The first 100 buyers also get pubic hair and Trent's toothbrush. The Deluxe Edition? Personal blowjob (est. $50 value).

Oh, and for you sick fucks out there watch Trent's wife burn slowly.

Cash Grab Of The Week - Slash's Pissing on His Own Legacy

Slash...if he lived in The Soviet Union he'd be working in the gulags. I don't really need to say anything about him. All I need to do is play you this clip:


No, it isn't the 34 tabs of low-grade acid you had for breakfast playing tricks with your mind. That actually is a rap version of "Paradise City" featuring Fergie (which is pants-shittingly bad). Way to piss all over your own legacy, Slash. Any of your other old songs you want to ruin? Maybe an N'Sync/Fallout Boy disco cover of "Sweet Child o' Mine"? I was going to name some of your other songs, but I can't think of a single song besides those two that isn't already ruined as it is. And when his fans got pissed off at his terrible version of "Paradise City" he said that they took his music "too seriously." Yeah, get off his back. He only recorded that song as a joke. A joke that he will sell to a fucking Coca-Cola commercial so he can add another floor to his house.

That song is from Slash's first solo album, by the way. You know, the one where he convinces a few untalented burnouts from Reseda to help him sell albums. What could be better than 70 minutes of generic rock riffs with the guy from Maroon 5 whining over it? Good news guys, Slash compiled a list of everyone he knew who would help him grab some cash and put them on the same record! If either this or selling his soul to the people who made Guitar Hero doesn't have him eating 9mm rounds for dinner soon, I don't know what will.

Protip: I've heard that there's a cheat code in Guitar Hero 3 where you can restore Slash's dignity and self-respect.

He's beyond the point of being a sellout. He's entered into some new category of being a sellout that there isn't a name for. To top it all off he actually called modern musicians "sellouts." What fucking balls. Hey Slash, want to see a sell out? Print out your fucking discography off of wikipedia. See that entry for the Insane Clown Posse? How about the one for TLC? What about Rhianna? Someone should beat that hypocrite with a bottle of shitty Slash rotgut vodka (4 proof, aged in Slash's bathtub):


The reason that anyone can tolerate this 45 year old dude strutting around in his stupid top hat, bumbling around looking like he's searching for a fix while he's on stage is that he was the guitarist for Guns N' Roses. For some fucking reason people like their first record, which I still think is annoying and worthless, but I'm willing to conceed this point to all the fuck toads out there who tattooed "GNR roolz!" on their dicks. Okay...but what has he done since that one record? Nothing but legacy-ruining bullshit and we all know it.

So how does he still have a career? Ultimately, his music is for children. His top hat and public persona makes him a sort of a cartoon character to them, and honestly they're the only ones dumb enough to actually take his bullshit seriously. Look at most Slash fans. They're almost all under the age of 18. Either that or they're old people trying to relive their 20's, when they would take coke naps in the hallways of motels on the Sunset Strip (or maybe that was just me). So when Time Magazine comes out and calls him the 2nd best guitarist after Jimi Hendrix, something needs to change. Someone has to call out this, to borrow a phrase from Miles Davis, "no playing motherfucker," and apparently a junkie from El Segundo has to do it because no one else in the music press has any balls any more.

Slash - You're severely over-rated, and you're more of a salesman than a musician right now. Do the right thing. Put your guitar away forever and maybe we'll try to forget all those hilarious videos of you fucking up your own ridiculously simple riffs while you're strung out.



(There nothing cute about showing a stadium full of people that you can't play for shit, despite what the title of the video above says)

BEEP BEEP BEEP Newsflash! Axl Rose sez "Slash used to piss himself backstage." I don't even need to write a fucking joke here: the guy used to PISS HIMSELF.

Matt Sorum: Bigmouth Strikes Again

So Matt Sorum has finally admitted he's just in it for the money in one of the bewilderingly shameful, stupid interviews I've ever seen:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/video_news/velvet_revolver_sorum_newfound_love_for_axl_rose.html

When talking about the difference between Axl Rose and Scott Weiland as singers he says, "The one thing I know about Axl Rose, as much as a dick as he was at times, the stadium was usually sold out. A little difference between those two guys. I'm talking 50,000 not 5,000. I could deal with that. A jet, I'm not talking just a Jet, a 727, my own limo and a guy to carry my shit."

Well Matt, you haven't done anything in your life worth a broken golf cart and a cup of warm Juggalo piss. The idea that somehow you had a private 727 makes me regret that the Taliban didn't hijack it and crash it into a Axl Roses' botoxed face.

So when it comes to bandmates it doesn't really matter whether or not you like working for them or whether the music is good then, eh? The Spikester can get behind that. I've managed hundreds of bands over the years and I don't remember a single one of their names. Shit, most of the time I wake up and don't even know who I am. No need to talk music quality, all I need to know is 1) Will I get my 123% cut? and 2) Meth?

It's a cop out that you often see from gutless schills who don't want to face the truth of having a career based on being in the right place at the right time. "Hey man, don't be hating on my Lil' Wayne/Ke$ha reggaeton-covers album. I'm just in it for the money/hookers/Barry Bonds-strength juice." It's a perfect philosophy to spout when you're cornered by an intelligent journalist, (which I imagine in the world of music journalism is pretty fucking rare) and it makes it easy to explain away your terrible music.

Ah, I can see it all clearly now, .93% BAC be damned. Matt Sorum's music is shit because he just doesn't CARE about the quality of the music he makes. Well Matt, why don't you go sell fucking cars for a living? Or what about the stock market, buddy? There's way more money to be made there than playing soul-less drums on some failure pile's latest Pro Tools session.

Get fucked.

Cash Grab o' The Week: Billy Shitstain Corgan

Big Bill Corgan...what a piece of fucking work he is. At any point in his career, I could think of a million reasons he should be banned from ever making eye contact with a guitar again. So fuck, where do I start? All the speed and seconal powder I rubbed into my gumline doesn't seem to be helping. You got a problem? Yo, I'll solve it. Just quote the pasty weirdo and let him let loose his gibbering psychoses:

"About six months ago, I listened to Siamese Dream. That was the first time I'd ever really heard my own album, because I had separated from the experience of making the record. And it really moved me. It made me cry, it's so beautiful." - BC 1996

Now that's fucking comedy.

Okay, let's say you're the average concertgoer. For some reason you bang down 50 gallons of meth/speedball stew, trip, open your wallet, and accidentally buy a few tickets to a Smashing Pumpkins reunion show. An unlikely scenario, I know. No one in their right mind would ever buy any kind of ticket to a Smashing Pumpkins concert. As for the meth/speedball stew...well...when you're like Spike and every vein is collapsed and clogged with bacon fat from injecting liquid Arby's sandwiches, you have to get creative.

Anyway, so you bought a ticket to Billy Corg---errr, The Smashing Pumpkins. You're going to see only one of the original members prance around stage playing songs that everyone hates, and talk shit on his own fans when they seem upset at his terrible performance and choice of setlist. Was it worth $80 per ticket plus the inevitable wallet-raping Ticketmaster "convenience" charge?

Hey kids, Billy Corgan's not just a junkie reject from a Mr.Clean commercial with a guitar. He's a professional wrestler, too! Did y'all know that?! That's pretty sweet, bro. I mean, I always knew he was a cock wrestler, but...

BC is a fan of burning bridges, and why the fuck not? It's not like any of his former bandmates want to see his name anywhere except for on the top of a check. I mean, this shit wizard has a bone to pick with everyone:

On February 17, 2004, Corgan posted a message in which he blamed guitarist James Iha for the breakup of The Smashing Pumpkins four years prior. He also referred to bassist D'arcy Wretzky as "a mean spirited drug addict." In another post, Corgan insulted his former Zwan bandmates, claiming they had been self-conscious about their "indie cred" to the point of hurting those around them. Poking fun at their indie stance, he called them "poseurs" and declared them to be "filthy", opportunistic, and selfish.

Watch out, Billy Corgan might bitch about you to vampire-makeup wearing queens on his livejournal if you make him mad and/or if he gets a bad cut of skag that week. Chances are, if you've pissed off Billy Corgan you've done something right. Not that any of the former Smashing Pumpkins did do anything right, though. D'Arcy became a junkie and has to live with her parents in Michigan to keep her from riding the snake, James Iha doesn't have a penis, and Jimmy Chamberlin is probably digging around for loose change beneath the bleachers of a little league softball game in Azusa right now. Bilbo Corgan replaced them all with hipsters from Santa Monica and travels around with his hosebag freakshow to bum people out and force them to remember that time he wrote a book of shitty, shitty poetry. Blinking with fists? More like Shitting on Typewriter.

Lately he's been taking lessons from Limp Bizkit. He started a contest for bassists/keyboardists to audition via his livejournal, and then he just goes and hires some fuck from Veruca Salt who can barely play her instrument anyway. What a surprise, his bassist is a pale W.A.S.P. woman. Hey Corgan, going to start holding auditions at Guitar Center soon? I'd gladly show up for a chance to get a hold of whatever drugs you seem to be on 24 hours a day. When you finally complete your transformation into Fred Durst, put your hat on backwards, and start rapping about nookie, I promise to pretend not to laugh (if it'll get me the gig). Hey, Fred Durst is a fellow wrestling fan. Maybe you can meet up, drop trou, and do some sweaty, shameless "wrestling" one day.

The truth is that Billy Corgan fell ass backwards into success back in the 90's, and everything since then has been further proof that he's just a whiny crackhead from Chicago who got lucky. When you sabotage your own career, lock your bandmates out of the studio so you can record their parts, and do everything you can to piss all over your paying audience, you deserve the worst. Courtney Love.

Worse Than The Bullshit "Monthly Mashup Night" at The Echo

$400,000 of research grants and you get a lazy ass robot that can't play more than 2 notes a minute. Now, if they wanted to get that same kind of performance for less money, they need to give me a call. I could just give a marginally talented junkie burnout member of The Darkness $2 and a six pack of Keystone Light and take the rest as part of my "skag money" payment. Wishful thinking? Fuck you!

At least maybe then the music might be somewhat in time. I'll have to check, but I think they already invented a robot that can count to four. So what's your excuse, fuckbot?

Part II of the Yucca Mountain Saga: The Search for the Next Fix

The Truth About Yucca Mountain is Revealed, Fuckos

Find a copy of Cathy O'Brien's - "Trance Formation of America" and learn the real truth yourselves. Or at least the truth as written by a schizophrenic ex-meth head doorway dweller.

Republicans want to rape your children(along with the rest of the country)

Looks like the republicans are at it again. They want to tie down your children so they will be easier to insert things into.

On Wednesday afternoon, the United States House of Representatives passed H.R. 4247, the Preventing Harmful Restraint and Seclusion in Schools Act (now being called the Keeping All Students Safe Act), by a vote of 262-153. In the final vote count, 238 Democrats and just 24 Republicans voted for the bill, while 8 Democrats and 145 Republicans voted against it

http://solitarywatch.wordpress.com/2010/03/05/most-house-republicans-vote-to-let-schoolchildren-be-held-down-tied-up-and-put-in-solitary-confinement

"Don't worry Charlie we'll untie you once Dick Cheney is finished."

-school teacher


"It ain't Yucca Mountain but it will have to do." -Dick Cheney