Donald Rumsfeld: Lizard Person

Fuckos, things are not as they seem--our former Secretary of Defense was (and is still) a lizard person. Louis CK found out first-hand:

As someone else said, "Rumself finally begs off with the excuse that his grandchildren are listening, to which Louis replies, 'They have a right to know.'"

Fuck man, we've already seen the damage that lizard people can inflict on slick-haired, greaseball 70's actors:

Fuck Spin Magazine

More ideas from the hip failures at Spin Magazine: comparing shit to other, unrelated shit for no goddamned reason whatsoever!!!1 Hey you fuckin' kids, wanna make your own Spin album review? Here's a shit-by-numbers kit that'll have you snorting printing ink searching for a way to kill the pain of your existance, just like if you were a staffer at Spin:

1) Fuckin' worthless adjectives. Add a few! It's not just a piano it's a "watery" piano. If a band has done cocaine, then their songs are "cocaine tight" or "cocaine drawn" or some other awkward attempt to use "cocaine" as an adjective. Example: if I wrote an album all of my songs would be referred to as "PCP-and-gas-soaked-rag tight".

2) Comparisons to genres of music which is in no way related to the album you're reviewing. If there are any kind of sampled drums on the record, you can bet some fuck at Spin will call it "Dubstep-y". Is there a slow song that has reverbed-out guitar on it? Congratulations! It is now "jazz influenced", mostly because no one at Spin has ever actually made eye contact with a real jazz record, or black subculture, in their entire fuckin' lives. And No, Al Jolson in blackface doesn't count. And if you can't think a genre to compare it to...



3) Make up your own genres, however baffling they might be to anyone with half of a brain left. After all, every band can't be "80s-influenced and DIY-minded" can they? Don't know what "alt-metal" is? Neither did the reviewer who put that into a review of the last Killing Joke record. Shit man, I could do this all day. Just name a band. The Strokes? "neo-garage." Nirvana? "proto-trash". Destroyer? Preemie-folktronica. The hyphen is your friend here--it will make your insane bullshit seem plausible to people who aren't paying attention to anything but the tits in the liquor ad on page 3 (aka most of Spin's readers). Fuck-you!

4) Vocabulary--add a few words that make you seem smart, and therefore worthy of making judgement calls about things you clearly don't know shit about. Throw the word "atavistic" in there somewhere without any explanation and you can check this one off and start counting the blowjob vouchers with your good, non-jerk-off hand. Can't read? NOT a problem because you can always make up words like "maximalistic". It won't matter anyway...no one reads Spin for record reviews...that's what ITunes is for.

5) You might ask yourself, "Spike, how many good songs do I need to have on an album to get a good review from Spin?" Let consult the old magic 8-ball on this one. *SNORRRRT* Hint: the answer is zero, you fuck!!! What, do you think Spin knows dick about good music?!? They only know about blowing the same 6 bands over and over (every album that Pavement ever made? 10 stars). The reviewer doesn't have to justify that rating to anyone except the inbreds who mail them every week and get nuked by the editor in the "letters" section that no one fuckin' reads. What does it matter if Yeasayer gets a 3/10 rating but still ends up on the yearly "Best Of..." list? No one's gonna take these fuckers to task except a junkie with a Glendale library card and veins fulla charlie cut with burrito droppings and pocket lint. Especially when they gotta sell ad space to K-Mart, so kids buying the latest Linkin Park album will buy their fuckin' tube socks.

I'll leave you now with just this catastrophe of a magazine cover. Take a good look at every name printed on it (starting with Nickelback live) and shudder deeply:



"At this point Spin Magazine is a version of "OK," "US," and "People" for all the useless yuppies that read vampire novels. Even then, why would you buy it when you can go online and read it for free?"
-Elvis

The Search for the Mel Gibson Stash Continues...

To a lubed-up muscle-wanker like Henry "Discreet Rubdown" Rollins , it's great to be an outsider. Of course, if you were to ask Greg Ginn...he'd say "Henry's a pussy - throwing teenage girls into Chain Reaction's brick wall is the new SWEET RELEASE". Yeah. Sure. Maybe 30 years ago, it was "Get in the Van." Now it's more like "Get in the Escalade while the chauffeur's cousin Joaquin gives you a rusty rimjob ontop of a pile of caviar-filled champagne bottles, platinum cards, and empty Dianabol vials. " Fuck man, Rollins doesn't live on the edge--he's too busy countin' the cash to measure up to a real edge-dweller: Mel Gibson.

Let's review, fuckos. Mel Gibson, the world's most famous bigot, has railed against gays, jews, african-americans, women, jews again, hispanic people, sobriety, good movies, education, his audiences, and his own lack of teen Malaysian dwarf-servants to poke at. Understand that Mel doesn't want to live on the edge, but his own confusing beliefs and daily 7 gram bowls of industrial-grade skag keep him too "limber" for straight society and your plebeian poolside blowjobs. And fuck, how do you reconcile the fact that you hate Hispanic people with your obsession with the Mayans?! Answer: take another hit of the meth slurry you seem to belt down like it was cheap, racist vodka.

So I thought to myself, "I don't care whose pets I gotta tie off this week, I'm gonna get my hands on some Gibson-grade arm candy." Well shit man, I crawled up and down Pico kicking over every cardboard box and tearing down every Shiloe gig flyer looking for my fix, when I found THIS FUCKING GUY restin' his coke spoons on an Amoeba Records shirt outside of El Burrito Jr...

So, naturally I did what every decent American would do...I celebrated my own personal 2 minutes hate with dollar needles stabs of brake fluid and whatever else I could "snowball" into a Ralph's bag. After that sweet drip, I licked my lips and slowly approached this jenkem merchant while foisting a picture of Mel Gibson dumping yuppie art-grads into a NoHo dumpster as my only form of identification. You see, Osama ain't dead, he just moved to La Brea where he supplies hipsters with baking soda eightballs and a complimentary eyesocket for blue balled sink-washing truckers.

To Be Continued...

Pure Gonzo

My Hero

punk fuckin' rock

Freedom of Information - Anonymous and the Philosophy of "Operation Payback"

Our society is currently learning a valuable lesson -- information is free and belongs in the hands of the people. The WikiLeaks cables which exposed diplomatic misdeeds fall under this principle. Those in government operate with full motherfucking impunity and don't want us to see the troops in Iraq mowing down civiilians because it might make their war "unpopular." Fuck that!

If you followed the Wikileaks scandal you might ask yourself, "why has Bradley Manning been thrown in jail and not one of the people who killed those children and civilians been punished?" Because the American legal system is broken in ways that are obvious to anyone who reads the news or pays attention to anything at all. And here's yet another one of many recent examples:

The GE Corporation used a tax loophole to gain a $3.2 billion dollar tax return this year. Then US Uncut, a burgeoning grassroots movement pressuring corporate tax cheats to pay their fair share, posted a fake GE press release announcing that they would return their illegitimate (but legal) $3.2 billion tax refund, and that they would lobby to close the sort of corporate tax loopholes that had allowed them to skip taxes in the first place. Several major media outlets, including USA Today, ran the story as true. It was eventually revealed as a hoax.

In the period the hoax was believed, GE's stock plunged by .6% (far more than the value of the supposed return), then quickly recovered as soon as it became apparent the press had been duped. Obviously, GE can't possibly be expected to do the right thing voluntarily; their stock would keep plunging. That's why we must change the law. That's assuming that anyone can get a law passed when corporations like GE have money enough to buy votes in Congress, making them essentially untouchable.

And these corporations ARE untouchable. The Sony Corporation slapped a lawsuit on George Hotz for merely posting a youtube video showing users how to access the processor of their ps3's. They won this court case, and the judge of the case granted Sony permission to view the IP addresses of everyone who visited the youtube video or the guy's website. The only retaliation that a company like Sony will receive is from Anonymous:


The internet is the last Wild West, and the people have the power there. So here's the deal, corporations: information and files are available over the internet for free no matter what you do. Nothing you do will change that. Accept it. What these corporations do if they can't get someone to take their content offline is hire internet security companies to hit them with denial of service attacks. This is what started Anonymous' Operation Payback to begin with.

Stop the lawsuits. They're lopsided, as you've made sure you've bought off enough control in the government so that the law is always on your side. People won't stand for it, and Anonymous is the result of that. Speaking on behalf of the RIAA, here's what Gene Simmons of KISS said:

"Make sure your brand is protected...Make sure there are no incursions. Be litigious. Sue everybody. Take their homes, their cars. Don't let anybody cross that line."

FUCK YOU.

"The people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, we guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us." - Fight Club

Spike vs. Internet: Round 3,423

- Jeff A Page:
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO U LEFT A VERY NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT ONE OF MY BOXING EVENTS.WHAT WAS IT THAT U DID NOT LIKE? I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO IMPROVE MY EVENTS AND I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT I NEED TO CORRECT.THANKYOU.

- Spike Anderson:
What warranted my negative comment? Bad cuts of skag. I need more fresh, pure heroin at these events to keep the monkey offa my back enough to enjoy them.

- Jeff A Page:
what the fuck r u talking about?just talk plain english and were u even there?

- Spike Anderson:
Is anyone really "here" or is life just an illusion caused by PCP? Whoa, shit's gettin' philosophical.

- Jeff A Page:
ok,i can see this is just a waste of my time and you are an obvious idiot who has done too many drugs and fried your brain.

- Spike Anderson:
Air guitar solos!!!111 middly middly mee mee MEWW!

Think you know what happened on "9/11?"

Think Again.

also, a group hitting corporate criminals back: http://theyesmen.org/

Article Titles Are for Bitches

On March 22, Tom Waits was accepted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Also, two Weeks ago, my shit was "accepted" into a toilet, where it will probably go on to be the next owner of Spaceland. I'm not comparing Tom Waits to shit, just the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame to a place where people unclench the bowels of the collective music industry and millionaires pat one another on the back. Hey, maybe they've got a space for him there next to ABBA and Dick Clark's massive coke spoon.

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
- Hunter S. Thompson