Looking Good Sweethearts!!1

Punk Rock....As a society, we are doomed.

The Coachella of My Burning Asshole!

Hey, how's the sunburn? Did you remember to drink enough fluids. Ho boy, you must be tired what with all the synthetic Sky Valley peyote, $30 vegan tacos, and one giant sized Thom Yorke elvish kick to your nutsack!

Oh wait, let me translate for all the folks that don't speak hipster. Every 20somethings favorite holiday in the sun occurred this past weekend. Ahem, you know The Coachella Festival? Yep, a big sucking musical magnet for fledgling date rapists, unicorn forest camp counselors, and chain smoking 50 year-old desert hot springs bartenders has 'happened', man.

And now the blog-o-sphere lights up as light stick wielding attendees rush to see how they can keep the sex train rolling until next spring's party in methland.

But before the Spikester leaves, I just wanted to let everyone know a little bit of information. You see, I'm sure Thom Yorke and his glacier saving ass cashed a check this weekend. Probably looked something like this....


Ok, back to my point. You see, I'm sure lots of people drove their pink Prius's to the polo grounds in order to hand over their hard earned skag money to uh...

A. Bilderbergers
B. Illuminati
C. the man
D. a very bad man
E. an undercover popper selling cop
F. AEG
G. All of the Above.

Before I post this family tree for all of you american apparel wearing fucksticks, keep in mind AEG, the owners of the Coachella Festival, also bears the same name as the defunct German motor manufacturer AEG that donated money to the MOTHERFUCKING NAZIS! Just a coincidence, but the Spikester loves to weave a great story.


The Coachella Festival - The Cold Hard Truth...as documented by a junkie

The Coachella Festival is promoted by Goldenvoice and owned by AEG.
AEG, or Anschutz Entertainment Group, is owned by the The Anschutz Corporation.
The Anschutz Corporation was founded by Philip Anschutz.
The Anschutz family owned the largest oil field in the United States.
The Anschutz family sold half of the interest to the oil field to MOBIL.


"Coachella debuted in 1997 with Rage Against the Machine and Beck headlining. Because of low attendance and high production costs, the then-independently owned Goldenvoice lost at least $750,000 on the inaugural festival. It did not stage another edition of Coachella until 2001, the same year it was bought by AEG Live (which now also owns a controlling interest in the San Diego Sports Arena)."

"We almost didn't do Coachella this year," said Paul Tollett, 44, the organizer and founder of the 11-year-old show, which is promoted by concert heavyweight Goldenvoice and owned by AEG in Los Angeles. "We felt the economy wasn't looking so hot. But festivals seem to be hanging in there, and I'm as surprised as anyone." - LA Times

"In May 2001, the Bush administration upheld Anschutz's right to drill an exploratory oil well at Weatherman Draw, in south-central Montana where Native American tribes wanted to preserve sacred rock drawings. "

"Often identified as "Christian billionaire Phil Anschutz"^[20], he is a Republican donor who supported George W. Bush's administration. He has been an active patron of a number of religious and conservative causes:"

"Helped fund Colorado's 1992 Amendment 2, a ballot initiative designed to overturn local and state laws that prohibit discrimination against individuals on the basis of sexual orientation but was invalidated by Romer v. Evans after it passed."

"Helped fund the Discovery Institute, a think tank based in Seattle, Washington that promotes intelligent design and criticizes evolution"

"Supported the Parents Television Council, a group that protests against television indecency"

"In 2009 Anschutz purchased the conservative American opinion magazine The Weekly Standard from Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation.^"

Ok, I'm lazy and im getting the whiskey shakes. Folks, if the Spikester could spend 5 minutes scouring the web for information on the Coachella Festival, or as I like to call it, "Geezer Cash Grab/Hipster Void Drug Fest", then imagine what you could do with a GED and a computer that isn't owned by the County Library. Just remember, vegan tacos and 20 dollar donation to save the rain forest are really code for "so, have you heard Hot Chip's B-sides and uh, wanna fuck?".

One more time, Coachella - you, yes - your ass is putting lots and lots of coin into the pockets of a guy who wants you to believe that all dinosaurs, with the exception of Paul McCartney, never existed. He hates obscenity but promotes MGMT and She & Him ear rapings. Look, the Spikester doesn't give a fuck about Coachella and how many dead seals I get to club for the show to go on. In fact, I applaud Thom Yorke for gettin' paid and all the fossil fuels spent is just a bonus. The point is, I hate your ass!

You can't beat the man, he always gets his 87% cut!



------------------------------
Sources:
The Hipster Bible aka Wikipedia

MGMT Album Leaked.....Please Flush!

http://www.whoismgmt.com/

Whole album is streamed

AND IT BLOWS HIPSTER DICK (unwashed, cheesy with a strong brine taste)



"MGMT is ___________."

Chapter 34: Cover Art aka Page of Scribbled Shit n' Piss

Gather around young children, let Uncle Spike tell you about cover art. Cover Art can make or break you, and since your wayward junkie uncle has the attention span of a Tenderloin Hooker looking for a good time...here is the long and short of it...see kids that's a cliche but we'll save that for our "I'm a victimized gold card yuppie urban poet and I play no instruments" workshop.

Ok, hipster dipshit, I'm going to take two bands with the same name and point out the do's and don'ts.

Here is an example of shitty boner curdling artwork.



Lets see, a band who hails by Hammerhead because what is more extreme than a stupid re-tard looking shark that has a habit of being bludgeoned to death by happy dolphins. Ok, I see a dune buggy...because we can't exclude the douchebag motorcross market...I see a football helmet...because if there's one sport a band from England loves it is American Football. Fucking stupid but smart since surburban droids from Detroit are the only ones buying this, Faygo, and the Insane Clown Posse box set. Lastly, looking at this manly artwork, I've inferred that the title of the album should read, "Will To Survive...Violent Crenshaw Buttstabbing". Listen metaldicks, if you're going to be a band obsessed with death and war and drop tuning your instruments...I'm going to show you how its done.

If you're going to be metal then you better do it right asshole. Here is an example....



1. Name your band "Fucking" and your first album better be titled "Metal". Consider yourself a poser.

Moving on.....


Here is an example of good or indifferent artwork. Same name, different band. American, Fuck yeah!



Kids, notice the brain puzzling artwork on this EP. The redheaded stepchild with the old timey vacuum bulbs and B movie font makes you think...its a surf band...its a, its a garage band...its Perry Cuomo's Bastard Child...hmm, what the fuck is this band. Answer, hand over $55.99 to some anglophile on ebay and you'll find out its the best thing you've never heard. The artwork kinda sucks but who cares, at least it doesn't remind you of an ill-fated shower party.


Want some musics?
Lucid Media has a few albums up by this band. Noise Rock!
Hammerhead - Into the Vortex Lp
Hammerhead - Duh, The Big City Lp

Cash Grab of the Week - Iggy Pop Edition

Rock n Roll is dead! It withered up like a washed up geezer's scrotum - dried, shriveled, lifeless upon a heap of self tanner at a Tampa "Sun Club"! The point is that you have to remember the good times...like in '78 when, mid set, you had to deliver your girlfriend's baby in the dumpster behind CBGB's - you popped that sucker out and sold it fast. Shit, you were even back in time to hear the power get cut on Television's gig - spared shitty art punk wanking by the Rock Gods. Good times.



Or in '84 when you sold your Stones tickets for what you thought was a speedball and then the next day you woke up with dead hookers littered all over your Travel Lodge bathroom in Lancaster. At first you thought "shit, I should have just used my ticket to nod off in my bleacher seat, pay $20 dollars a beer, and watch that fuck Mick Jagger actually work for his scag and coke money by eating a mars bar out of a hooker's snatch." But then you remembered anything goes in Lancaster and realized that you made the right choice. Yep, Rock has given you, well,...great times!

Flash forward to 2010 and Jack Daniels is sponsoring its own music festival. Shit, I use that wash for sobering up and disinfecting lacerations from shank fights with Silverlake drag queens. Weak shit, hey fucko, yeah you! Spike is having his own music festival. Its called Fucko Festival, sponsored by Ether. Now that is a worthy sponsor, that shit will grab you by the balls man! Now, if I could only get insurance, preferably insurance online, I could make a go of this.

Another death knell - Hauled ass down to the Roxy the other day to dropkick the owner for not allowing my powerslop band, Beefgore, to play the battle of the bands and the youth were drinking light beer before the gig. When I was their age I was dropping straight grain and black beauties like mouth wash and tic tacs.

And now Iggy Pop is trying to sell us insurance. Ironic, since the amount of abuse he put on his kidneys would make Stevie Nick's nose blush. That alone would disqualify himself from actual insurance coverage.

The torment of selling out must have been soul crushing - the convo went something like this, "Well Mr. Pop its been 25 years since you were last relevant and your fans are too stupid to actually use a computer and/or too broke to have insurance so we are prepared to offer you some Lo-Carb Red Bull and a Snickers bar for your services and namesake" to which the reply was, "Where do I sign!"

Fuck, rock is DEAD - insured, bloated, smeared with peanut butter, and floating two inches deep next to a shopping cart in the LA river. The epitaph reads, "Just Ride! - brought to you by The Man."

One more thing, Fuck you Iggy!



Oh, and here is the flyer/evidence of the battle of the bands that my band was booted from. Beefgore, voted best LA powerslop band by the LA XXpress and LA Reader - remember the name.

Cash Grab of the Week: The Last 10 Years of Rivers Cuomo's Existance

(The following is an excerpt from a recording made available to Spike Anderson via connections with Weezer's management)

Manager: ...so then you're going to have to bend over for the CEO of Interscope at the Christmas party or you'll have to bring Mikey Welsh back and do an entire malls across America/West Virginia Wal-mart tour as an opening act for Paramour.
(reaches for bag of DMT)

Rivers Cuomo: mmm hmm. (sniffs index finger)

Manager: Which brings me to another point: the new album. It needs to be simple-minded enough so that 7 year olds will love it, yet endearing to tasteless old people who prefer things when they were bland and inoffensive. And let's try to keep it devoid of anything that makes the audience think too hard or they'll all just throw your record into the "Shiloe pile".

Rivers: oh yeah.

Manager: I hear this Lady Gaga is popular. I don't know who she is or what style of music she plays but you should try to cover one of her songs. And fuck, why not make it a mash-up of a MGMT song while you're at it? I don't know who that band is either, but I like acronyms and I've rubbed a fair bit of cocaine on my gums for breakfast. I'll call up Mel at Universal, I think they still have the prop MICROKORGs from the Ladytron debacle. (takes puff of DMT)
EXHIBIT A:


Rivers: definitely.

Manager: Okay....yeessss...i'm starting to peak! Fuck, pinky in the ass - PINKY IN THE ASS! Okay, okay...the new albumis called "raditude". Lets see, we already did blue - tested well with curious teens with boners market. Green went after twenty-somethings with high school girlfriends..eh with a slight crossover of ICQ users...and Soccer moms, sex addicted orphans, and prego teens ate up the red cover. So we have no choice, this cover's going to be written in yellow lightning font and it's going have a crazy picture of a flying dog on it. Oh fuck, did you just see that?
EXHIBIT B:

Rivers: smart. yesss! (sniffs finger)

Manager: Most of the songs are going to be about awkward teenage love even though you're pushing forty and frighten most children. Of course one song is going to be called "Can't Stop Partyin'" and will feature Lil' Wayne. Because why the fuck not?!? And shit, man, make the album come free with the first thing you can find on the Home Shopping Network. Shamwow towel? Billy Mays' certified cock ring? Snuggie? Your call.
(hits the DMT again) Shit, I'm blind!

Rivers: mmmm....uh huh.

Manager: Your first single is going to be a horrible song with no chord changes and a laughably simple drum beat. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, due to the economic climate Pat will be replaced by a BOSS Dr. Rhythm. Also, kids these days like auto-tune, so the bridge will be nothing but auto-tuned harmonies that still sound really off-key. If you need help with this, I have Green Day in my Rolodex. Then we'll shoot a video for it that will feature your band at a 50's style gas station doing absolutely nothing with as many special effects thrown in as we can. Pat is allowed to be in the video...if you want? The lyrics will be about...lets consult the Disney-Idea-Wheel and...ha, of course! - meeting your girlfriend's parents, archery, the movie Titanic, weave in an inappropriate boner and uh...some more shit about awkward teenage romance.
EXHIBIT C:

Rivers: Yup...wait, how will the video relate to the lyrics at all?

Manager: (huffs a handful of dirty, gasoline-soaked panties) Uh, what was the question?

(end tape)


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Why do Weezer keep pissing all over their own legacy? They have no idea how bad they are now, do they? Obviously they don't have any objective view of their own music anymore, as is evidenced by this cover of "Paranoid Android":



It's not even that Rivers has a bad voice. I can accept that it just sounds different (worse, but different). But I just can't take the ending guitar solo, which is trainwrecked to shit. Fast forward to 5:49 to hear it. It's one of the most famous guitar solos ever recorded, and not only do they fail to play any of the parts of the original recording, but they actually fail to play in the right fucking KEY. Wow. But hey, it's not like this was posted somewhere where thousands and thousands of people will see it, right?!

In case you're wondering how hard it is to play this solo, here's a video of some college kid actually doing it right:

This college kid is recording it in his dorm for fun and making 0 dollars for it. Weezer, however, are signed to Epitaph records and making hundreds of thousands of dollars every year. These are, by definition, PROFESSIONAL MUSICIANS. As far as I can tell, there are a total of 5 different videos of people playing the solo right on YouTube. Next time you're thinking about buying a Weezer record, find out if one of those 5 people have a record out and buy THAT.

There are many, many people on this planet who play music and work hard at learning an instrument. But they never get any exposure and no one ever hears their music. They toil in obscurity until they die and never make a dime off of their art. Does that stop them from doing what they love? No. Meanwhile, Weezer are making money left and right off of substandard music that they barely bother to play correctly, and no one cares.

Tomorrow, when you and I both get up and go to jobs we don't particularly care for, to work for people we dislike, to make just a small amount of money so that we can live...stop and think about what the members of Weezer are doing at that particular moment. And that would be pretty much anything but PRACTICING.