The LA Scene is Dead, Go Fuckin' Home

Extra, extra! LA Weak-ley chronicles boring old men playing a secret show for their label's dealers! Bob fucking Mould was there, basically just to bum everyone out with his shitty music and desperately grope the twinks in the front row. What could be better than a secret show from 5 guys who have been mailing it in since that video where a midget got a handjob? How about a punch to the dick? Or anything, really?

Yes, the Foo Fighters have a new record coming out. No, you AREN'T supposed to give a fuck. Although they did recently reveal that their limo driver is a 60 year old speed freak.

I don't get how you can be punk rock and still be another dinosaur band that doesn't do shit except tag team the label's secretary and write mediocre songs that are just punk rock enough to guarantee that they'll keep the cash rolling in.

At least we all know that "genius" shitheads like Daft Punk are just a marketing team in plastic robot suits who don't actually make real music. Jesus fuckin' Christ.

Apparently LA is now just the retirement home for rich rock stars who don't do shit or care about anyone else's music. If you're not in the Foo Fighters, Eagles of Death Metal, or one of their 20 related bands, you don't have shit and can't get any decent gigs. For instance, who's playing the Whiskey for the next 3 weeks? Shitty metal bands and a few terrible cover bands -- very little original rock music. Spaceland's been bought out and now puts on gigs two or three times a week. The rest of the week? Fuckin' DJs. The Echo/Echoplex are the last decent venues in LA, and they're constantly in financial trouble.

Every member of the Sex Pistols lives in LA, but do they play in bands with the locals or go out to gigs? What about Trent Reznor? Married putting out shitrock with his wife. Josh Homme? Putting out mediocre shit and selling it to anyone dumb enough not to have seen them when it wasn't being phoned in. Anyone from The Doors? The only guy that gave a fuck is dead, the rest of them just play their old material so they'll be able to pay for their funeral in a few years. Perry Farrell? His last project sucked and was made fun of. Seems like he'd rather be on television with his wife. Guess who's getting a nice BJ tonite? John Fusciante? His solo records are shit and he has nothing else going on because he can't play for shit and never could. Anthony Keidis and the Chili Peppers? Strapped into their heroin feedbags. Dave Navarro? His orgy schedule won't let him. Henry Rollins? Says he "may never do music again." Sort of like how I "may never give a shit about anything Henry Rollins does again." Ozzy Osborne? Can't even take a shit without 13 hits from his kit bag and a permission slip from his bitch wife.

The Los Angeles scene is nothing and the people that live here are so dumb they don't mind these Rich, Useless, "Rock Stars" shitting in their ears and calling it a sundae. What choice do the rest of us have, then? You've got to get in the van.

Spike Anderson to Anonymous: You're Welcome

You know what's great? Cash. Making money is the greatest thing a human being can do on this terrible shithole planet. But being rich is for winners, and some uppity poor fucks just can't seem to warm to the idea of spending the rest of their days off squeegeeing the Sizzler salad bar sneeze guard's puke stains. So the fuckin' kids these days are into culture jamming. Spike Anderson has tried his hand at it before, mostly to rattle the fragile egos of shitheads from the west side:

Bassist Needed For Desperate Fame Seekers (santa monica)
We are looking to write great music that people can put into beer commercials. We see no moral problem with that at all. If you feel the same way that we do about money--i mean, music--then visit http://spikeanderson.blogspot.com/

Shameless self-promotion, I like that. Anyway, the almighty greedheads at Bank of America felt the need to try to strike a blow against some culture jamming group called "Anonymous". Anonymous? I've been there. Shit, I've been giving out Anonymous handjobs in the bathroom of the Circle K behind the ditch I sleep in for 19 years, and all I ever got in return is a free "froster" (which is kind of like a slurpee that one of the employees pissed in).

HBGary, a security company that invents new ways to rape your freedoms daily, was recommended to B of A by the Obama administration to help forge documents and otherwise build a case against Anonymous and WikiLeaks. If you want to find out the truth, you should do everything EXCEPT visit this link to some shitheads bitchy article about why we should hate being informed of corruption in the government.

Building a case against people who host teach-ins at universities and freedom of information rallies seems fair. Who the fuck wants free information?!? Haven't you ever heard of "pay to play", fucko? It works for the Whiskey's unique brand of shithead bookers, it'll work for the California educational system.

Well...okay. What the fuck did that last paragraph mean?! I typed it and I still don't fucking know. Rubbing pure mescaline into my tear ducts hasn't really made anything clearer. Maybe I'll just turn on the TV.

A simple trip to wikipedia provides even the most incoherent junkie with links to Anonymous' activities and whereabouts and the IRC channel and port that Wikileaks uses [IRC Server: sunshinepress.org Port:9999 (SSL ON) in case you're interested]. Anonymous aren't as open about where they operate as someone like Wikileaks: you're going to have to visit a few different sites to find out what's going on.

I'm waiting until WikiLeaks settles on a cash payout from Bank of America, because that's the obvious solution to this problem. Buy everyone out and fill up their websites with ads about penis growth and Rogaine chewable blotter sheets. Hey, it worked for fuckin' Myspace. If anyone involved is reading this, I offer you my services as a heroin manager/"business" injector free of charge...after I take my 3049% cut.

When will the government learn that every time they try to fight this shit its gonna end up like you beating your Dad's ass at Ken Griffey Jr.'s Baseball. Why? Fuck you that's why? Oh, you want a serious answer? Well, much like you and your Dad citizens and the government had some good times together a long time ago, but it soon went south. Now the government can't wait a minute to tamper with our food. I can just hear these fuckheads in the US Government now..."So, Momar Kadafi fired on his own people how do we one-up that?? Waterboarding? Too obvious. Fly a UFO over O'Hare Airport and scare the shit out of them?

Sorry we can only do that once.

I know we'll kill them and their children by poisoning their food." Because, guess what? We don't know the long term effects of modifying food and apparently that's not as scary or newsworthy as a UFO. But, hey its only the end of life as we know it, right?




One final parting money shot, an Anonymous slogan that will make corrupt assholes everywhere piss themselves in fear (and hungry, smack-filled promoters piss themselves for whatever reason I can think of off the top of my head)


We are Anonymous.
We are Legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
Expect us

Mind Control For Dummies

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110224/ap_on_re_us/us_pentagon_general_investigated

Spike's Mini-Cashgrab of the Day: Shinedown

When I was trying to make my dirty brown stain on the East Bay scene in AIDS Blanket, I always thought to myself, "fuck, I don't actually wanna have to write my own music to make it big." I realized I'm either:
a) too lazy
b) have 24 different unknown substances floating around inside me at any given time

or

c) I just wanna pay someone else to write this shit so I can get the credibility, fame, and all the hot topic sponsored hooker tag teaming that a grown man can stand.

Well, that shitty metal band Shinedown has clearly chosen "c". They hired a buncha studio musicians to play on their records, then had to practice those songs until they could actually PLAY them before going on tour behind them. Yet another Paramore-type situation that was put together to rope in more of the Three C's for the record execs--Cash, Coke, and C-hookers (alright the last one may or may not actually make any sense, but what else do you expect from a man who has to roofie himself to sleep every night?).

My source for this? Source?!? What are you some sort of fucking test tube baby?! What are my sources....how about every single studio musician in LA?! They're all pointing and laughing at the failure pile that is Shinedown. Seriously, it's not publicly known, but everyone involved with studio recording in LA will confirm it.

That Last Acid Tab Finally Just Kicked In

Great Cokehead Cash Grab of 2011

...Thom I think you'll really appreciate what I'm about to do for you. See, I heard about your new album of Shitrock that's being mailed today kinda like the "mailing in" you did while recording it. You didn't have enough material, but so what? That can easily be fixed by combing through the old "On A Friday" demos, putting the ipod on shuffle and hitting record. Anyway, I'm gonna get to the fuckin' point. I am prepared to give you a 20% cut of my worst(best)skag. Judging by your last record you're gonna need all the help you can get. That In Rainbows shit might fly with your run of the mill dumbass/Passion Pit fan but for anyone with a discerning ear you might want to actually fucking try this time. And, when other college students talk shit about you and are right....

But now, with The King of Limbs, we're back to paying standard-issue fees for digital versions of the album ($9? Get out of here...). And Radiohead have proven themselves as just another pop band churning out singles (see the video), not really interested in pushing forward their music stylistically, or continuing to sit on the forward guard of the new music market. Oh well. A band that was pretty interesting there, for a few years, is boring again. Yawn.

<
Well, buddy, that's when you need my particular home-made products. I mean every shithead who thinks they know anything about music is tearing you apart. All you need are some good drugs to put you over the edge and back on top of the world. Because, let's face it Radiohead without drugs...and a sense of humour...you're just fucking Coldplay!!1

Radiohead - Lotus Flower by h0nki
Shit man, this fucker took the label's gold card and went to Dolce Gabbana and all he got was a shitty bowler's hat? The last time I danced like this I had just coasted thru the security checkpoint at JFK before the balloon finally burst.

The Great White Guitar Wank Opus

Hey kids, fill your favorite syringe and clean your best bent/dull needle...and then listen to 4:59-5:48 of this Cramps interview.

Done? Ok, now get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness and maybe just maybe good ol' Spike will give you some of the "bad" mostly Labrador stuff. The price? Your dad's gold card and admitting that your Ipod is full of bubblegum creed cum clots. Oh and a pair of your sister's panties...you know for "educational" purposes.

See kids, the truth is that Rock and Roll is for fucked up nihilistic sex fueled drug hazed mental patients. Yup, look at all the greats...Fast Finger Freddie of the short lived East Bay thrash band, Vietnam. Shit, we used to milk his cat to make Uncle Charlie milk shakes. Then, we'd jack your jaguar and take it on a Brothels Across Oakland world tour. My point is - look at all the rock stars. Jagger pushed a snicker's bar up Faithfull's cooch. All Darby Crash wanted was another beer. Lennon rearranged hecklers faces at shows and did so much acid that he thought it was a good idea to let his wife record an album. Iggy Pop sliced himself open on stage and sang about "cocks in his pocket". Bowie stuffed every conceivable powder up his holy nostrils. GG was born under the legal name Jesus Christ Allin and was later arrested and imprisoned for rape and torture. Ginn hated girls so much that he threw teenage female punks into brick walls when they foiled his feral cat benefits. I could go on except that I don't remember too much of the 70's or 80's....well, I remember my gay 90's pretty decently but thats for another time.



Free tip #1. If you are going to be a rock band then forget about your amyl dreams of the great white 10 guitar wank opus. That dream is dead, you can thank CAN for killing it, digging it back up, raping it, burying it, digging it back up and attaching nipple clamps to its black dahlia-esque grin.



Free tip #2. cut the intro and outro. Look, follow this equation to all the tit flashings your black heart desires: verse + chorus + bridge + chorus + call it a night. Look, shitstain, keep your songs short because I need your gig to be over in 10 minutes so I can haul your ass down to little Joey Leibowitz's bar mitzvah by 3pm and then swing by my flop house by 4pm and score.

Your songs should be like this


Free tip #3. Art is for losers. Remember, its Friday and the random girl/guy in the audience just got canned from American Apparel for sticky labia wrestling in the leggings section. All he or she wants to do is get their rocks off to something loud that their parents will hate. Shit, all I want to do is throw up some horns and drop a Quaalude in your Pabst.

Don't do this


So remember.....

Shut up and play.

Los Haters the Needle in my Eye

So, apparently some scum fucks are trying to make Arizona a facist state. Well, they're already a racist state, so..they're already halfway there. Oh, sorry wrong blog.
Spike here and I am hopping mad. The man wants to take away my coke and needle tacos along with my heroin-infused milkshakes that I get at the Umberto's taco truck on Pico. It seems mexican-americans weren't content to just leave things alone, I mean hey man they got a song in a big movie, right?





Ain't that enough?!!1


Well they just had to fucking go and offend everyone by trying to become a citizen and make a decent life for their families. Shame on you Mexican-Americans. You clearly don't love this land of freedom enough or God would have let you be born here. All that's left to do is go back to what I was doing in the first place before I wrote all this shit...smoking cockroaches:

Cash Grab of the Week: Replacing Real Music With Some Shithead DJ

Spike Anderson loves DJs.

Oh jesus oh god no, already it's sentance one and he's contradicted himself, you're thinking. And so what? You can second guess a man with lungs full of diesel fumes all you want, but you can't fight the wisdoms of my latest business venture.

Ask yourself this: why manage bands when you can just have one guy play other people's music all night and make the same 97.001% cut with an all-access pass to the craft-services table? Bands are full of uppity young fucks, and none of them take well to my patented hands-on-throat management style.

Own a stereo? Then you're a DJ. Better learn how to stare vacantly at a bunch of hipsters pretending not to care, because you're on at the Echo for a 4 PM set. You're on after DJ iPod Shuffle. Hey, it takes talent to pick an LP out of crate and set it on a record player. My cut. Fucking. I want. Now!

Spike Presents, "What Your Gigs SHOULD Be Like, Posers"

Okay fuckos, here's the story behind the gig:

Black Flag was scheduled to fill in for "The US Airforce Orchestra" after they couldnt attend so BF told the park owner that (according to Keith Morris, singer of Black Flag) "we had some Fleetwood Mac songs in our set."

The gig was supposed to be part of a series of gigs called "Concerts in the Park" which consisted of mainly jazz or hard rock bands. So when many of the mothers and fathers in the park heard that Black Flag was playing, they assumed that they were another old, children friendly, jazz band. Keith Morris says, "all of a sudden there's this line of leather-clad, torn Levis, black t-shirts, spiky dyed hair guys coming in: surf rats, skaters, skiers, a sprinkling of druggie friends... "

When the mighty Black Flag stepped on stage, the mayham began to occur and thats about the time when the picnicking families realized the same thing. Keith: "The first thing I remember saying is, 'We're loud, and if you don't like that, you can go watch Walt Disney.' Then we
launched into our set, and for ten minutes it rained orange peels, cantaloupes, half-eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken drumsticks."

Needless to say, the gig was a complete catastrophe. A few days later, the Manhattan Beach Recreation Department's Special Events Supervisor apologized in a press release: "We plan to screen and audition every act from now on...so nothing like this will ever happen again."

Fuck the man.



Most of their best gigs were near-riots anyway: